contemplating aloneness
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| Tue, 08-17-2004 - 10:44pm |
I find myself thinking a lot about my lover of over five years.
He envisions us getting married and having children, I on the other hand have never imagined myself married or having children.
Somehow, from a very young age, I knew that the conventional relationship route was not for me. Stereotypically, it is as though he is the woman in the relationship and I the man - in terms of what we each want.
It is almost as if I have outgrown him, and this scares me. Why? because he loves me so much and I think my decision would hurt him so greatly, in fact, it hurts me greatly just to think about it (I'm crying right now as I write).
I feel that spiritually we are on such different levels. We are so close, like brother and sister I feel. I love him so much. But the world is so much bigger to me than his visions of children and a house. In a fantasy-like way, I think I may enjoy such things. But, I truly feel that my existence here is not to fulfill that kind of vision. There was a time when I fantasized about a 'romantic' relationship, but now I do not. Now I understand that everything is a relating. And that as such it is temporary and fleeting. I love the freedom of this. And perhaps it is this freedom that I find so important for my lover to be able to understand, because I feel his love for me is not entirely authentic. He means no harm or hurt, however, I sense a deep insecurity about his love for me that makes his love for me tainted, unpure. When I look at his beautiful face, I see a child who just needs his mommy to tell him that the world is an okay place and that he is safe and secure. I do not want to play that role. To me love is totally unconditional, without boundaries, without limitations, without form. For me, a true relationship must have this understanding, otherwise it doesn't do it for me - totally. Perhaps there a different stages of love, and my love is universal, not saved for that special someONE. I'm not implying by this that I desire many lovers, but that when someone claims that they will love you 'only if' you fulfill certain conditions for them, to me that is not pure love. to me that is essentialy loving through fear. And I care only to concentrate my energies on pure love, loving just because I love, as something to give freely with no expectations in return.
So do you see what predicament I am in? I feel limited by this relationship because my lover does not have the same understanding I do about love. Yet, I love him dearly, and do not want to inflict pain or sorrow - naturally. This is so hard...
Any questions, comments, advice?
Gratefully,
luna

It sounds like you are trying to exist in a relationship with a man who does not share your goals and vision of
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