coping with coupledom

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2004
coping with coupledom
5
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:57am
I just read the article about the girl who couldn't understand why she was so clingy with her boyfriend and I totally identified with it. That is absolutely me, but now I am definitely going to work on that and find my own life separate from my boyfriend. Here's my problem: We've been dating for two and a half years and we are very happy. I've always known that he wants topursue a career in acting and move to New York, but now we have a date set for moving up there and I am getting hesitant. I feel guilty about leaving my family (I am the last of the kids to leave home). I really do see a nice and adventurous future for us, but I worry too. He says he has no worries about our future. I really hurt him last night, too, when I told him that I was making a grand gesture by leaving my home to be with him and I haven't seen an equal sign of comittment by him. Once I thought about what I said, I realized that I didn't even mean it. He was very hurt and I genuinely apologized, but I still feel bad. I don't think he's quite understanding my feelings because I don't fully understand them myself. I love him and I want to build a life for him, but sometimes I just wish that our life together could be more simple.

Help! Are these feeling normal for a person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 10:26am
Hi - I've lived in NYC for 37 years, 6 months and 8 days - my whole life - I love it here but you need a stable income to be able to live at all comfortably. There is no way I would move here from somewhere else for a man without an engagement ring and a wedding date in the near future - especially if he wanted to pursue a career in the arts - are you planning on being the main breadwinner and supporting him financially without being married to him- IMHO that is a foolish move on your part. I am involved in a theater group here and know plenty of actors - it is really tough here - the competition is fierce. Move here only if you want to be here on your own - without him being a major factor and get your own place, and a job and support yourself financially and date him - if that is not possible for you then I wouldn't make the move.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 11:52am
I realize that he wouldn't be making a lot of money, but he would contribute. We both have a lot of money saved up. Not being married was my idea. We will probably be engaged, but I didn't think adding the stress of a new marriage to moving across the country on our own would be wise. Or maybe it would be a good thing. The thing is I don't want to get a divorce, and if we are married and I go up there with him and hate it, I am stuck with a husband I love in a place where I am miserable. Of course that's a remote possibility. I probably will love it. I just don't know how to deall with the fears that pop up. Are they a sign that our relatonship is doomed? Or are they normal feelings of "cold feet"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 12:15pm


Hi


Of course it's normal. I don't know where you live now but pulling up stakes and moving - especially to NY - is exciting but also scary. You were correct in saying you're taking a huge step by moving to be with him. You want to feel secure that he sees the two of you together long-term. That is not hurtful toward him but healthy toward yourself. What are you going to do once the two of you move? Is there a career you are pursuing as well? Do you have a desire to move to NY or is it just for the sake of him and his career?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:10pm
If you believe that living in a place you didn't like would lead to a divorce then I would question whether this is the right man for you. If you are even considering funding his acting dream, get a lawyer, and sign a contract that says that anything more you pay than 50% he has to pay you back and put the terms of the loan in there - I am serious - unless you want to fund his acting "career" only to have him dump you for someone else. You don't seem to be willing to move there and live on your own and have a job and date him - why - if you are not engaged then why would you want to shouler all that financial responsibility, including the money it will cost to move? I think your cold feet result from your knowledge that you are making a huge sacrifice for someone you are not really committed to. I think it is more stressful to live with someone with no formal commitment, pay for his dreams, and know that there is a huge risk that he will spend your money and waste your time in a place where you don't know anyone. Does he have an agent? Is he a member of the union? does he have many auditions lined up? Don't you want to know where your financial investment is going? Why not save that money and use it to buy or rent your own place and to live on while you look for a job for yourself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:56pm
You've already gotten a lot of great advice so I won't repeat it. Just one question--have you thought about coming down here for a week or so by yourself to see if you like it? Why not give NYC a "test drive" before you do?

There's a lot of great things here but if you're not the type who would love it, living here could really be a drag.

Keep us posted...