Could my soulmate be by married boss?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Could my soulmate be by married boss?
6
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 9:08pm
Hi. I'm brand new here. I Haven't even read any of the threads, so I hope I'm not being rude by just jumping right in. I apologize if it seems that way. I joined this forum just so I could get some advice (or some sense slapped into me) about something (actually, someONE) that's been consuming my heart and mind for 2 years.

I'm 41 and I've been married for 21 years to a really wonderful man that I love, but I'm not IN love with. I'm not sure I've ever been "in" love with him. I would never want to do anything to hurt him, though. In many ways, he's the perfect husband for me, except that I have no emotional connection to him. He feels more like a brother than a husband to me and, unfortunately, our physical relationship shows it. (As an aside, we don't have any children).

The person I'm IN love with, is a married co-worker who has been married for 23 years and has two grown children. He also happens to be my boss (though he wasn't yet my boss when I first started having feelings for him about 2 years ago). He is also a wonderful guy who would never want to do anything to hurt his wife and children. But I'm 99% sure that he's in love with me, also.

We both are extremely religious (though we are from two completely different religions) and realize that adultery is a sin. We've never done anything to act on our love for each other, except for having a handful of really deep and meaningful conversations in which it felt like our souls really connected. We didn't even plan for the conversations to go that way; they just happened. I've never felt anything like the connection I have with him. I really do feel like he's my soulmate, and I never even believed in soulmates until I met him.

Can I get some opinions on this whole situation? I almost quit my job over this, but I can't stand the thought of never seeing him again. Is it possible that God put us together, for a platonic relationship, to learn how to truly love someone, even when there's no chance of ever consummating that love in a physical way (at least not without causing pain and heartache for all of those around us - including ourselves)? Am I totally screwed up and delusional?

Anyone have any ideas on how to get through this without going crazy? (Quitting my job or transferring to another department isn't an option -- I've already thought of those possibilities).

Thanks, in advance, to anyone who'd like to respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 9:18pm
I think you're playing with fire and you're trying to put things to justify yourself. Your boss might in fact be your soulmate BUT we don't always we end up with our soulmates. God might have send this man to your path to teach you something. If you know that you're not in love your husband why not divorce and start fresh with or without this man? If he's the man for you and loves you, as you think he does, he'll do the right thing: divorce and give you a call when he's free to start fresh as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 9:51pm
Hi ccruise2001. Thank you for your response, and you're probably right about trying to justify myself. I guess my honest answer as to why I don't divorce my husband (I'll call him Joe) is for the same reason I married him in the first place: I don't want to lose his friendship, and I don't want to be alone. I do love him -- so I don't want to do something that would cause us both a lot of pain when there is no guarantee that I'll even be able to have a relationship with the man I'm IN love with (I'll call him Charlie). My husband and I have a lot of history together and a true friendship. And I don't want to destroy that relationship anymore than I want to destroy Charlie's family. I agree with you that God may have brought Charlie into my life to teach me something. But what is the lesson I'm supposed to learn? I know that whatever the lesson is, I don't want to be the cause of anybody being hurt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 8:10am
Here are my thoughts.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 2:17pm
Hi Wendie. Wow, I'm blown away by your response. It's full of wisdom, and I hadn't really thought about it in quite that way. Thank you for opening my eyes. The final exam analogy is great and I completely agree. You're absolutely right, our spouses would be devastated if they could see into our hearts, just as I would be devastated if my husband was in love with another woman, and I was the one left behind. But then, in my present state of mind, I would be somewhat thankful if my husband fell in love with someone else, because we could divorce without me causing him as much pain. I know that sounds really warped, but that's where my mind is at right now.

Seriously, I feel like I can withstand any temptation for a short period of time, but if I don't know that the temptation is ever going to end, and I see no way out of it, it can feel a little hopeless. I wasn't looking to fall in love with Charlie -- it just happened. I know that sounds like a cop out, and I would have had some sort of a religious answer for anybody who gave me that excuse 2 years ago, but now it's happened to me, and I realize I really don't have any control over who I fall in love with. I can control how I act upon that love, though, and so far I've been succeeding pretty well by all outward appearances. I avoid entering into those deep, spiritual conversations with Charlie, but sometimes a perfectly innocent conversation just goes that way. We never put ourselves in situations where we're alone for an opportunity to have physical contact or even deep conversations. We really are doing everything we know to do in order to avoid having an affair, and we've been doing it successfully for 2 years. We've literally never even TOUCHED each other except to shake hands at a formal awards ceremony. But that doesn't change how we feel about each other.

So how long does the exam last?! Any idea on how to fall "out" of love with him - especially since I have to see him and interact with him everyday?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 7:01pm
I think what's happened here is that you have found what is lacking in your marraige to "Joe". That's great, it really is, BUT it's neither the right time or place. Since your eyes have been opened to the fact that there is something missing in your marraige, maybe "Charlie" was put in your life to see that. What you should be doing is either A)trying to find that within your marraige with Joe, or B)filing for divorce to find that missing something in someone else. You can file for divorce and remain friends, or you can continue this affair with your boss and hurt everyone involved.

You claim that you are Charlie are in love, but are you sure it's not just a delusional fantasy on your end? Are you sure you're not just making it out to be more than it is? Has Charlie ever actually told you, "I'm in love with you"??

Please file for a divorce. You owe that to Joe, so that he can move on and find someone who will love him 100% and not out of pity or selfishness. Then realize that once you are divorced, you will still not be with Charlie- he's a married man and you have NO RIGHT to pursue him until otherwise. And if he tries, then he's not worth it- he should have the respect for his wife to ask for a divorce so she too can move on.

I hope that you will do the right thing, and in your heart, I know you know what the right thing is.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:50pm
Alison, thanks for your response. Everything you said is right on the money. It stings a little (or a lot), but everything you said is absolutely true (except that I need to clarify that we haven't had an affair - I know I have absolutely no right to him, and neither of us will ever put ourselves in a position where we have the opportunity to cross the line physically. We also try to avoid emotional connections, as well). Anyway, you've given me a lot to consider, and I will truly think about what you've said. Thanks for your sound advice and kick-in-the-butt:)