Crazy break-up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Crazy break-up!
8
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 2:30pm
I have just been dumped by the guy I thought I would marry. After two years together, he EMAILED me to say that we are not meant to be together. Then I find out (through another email) that he won't meet to talk about it because he's found the person meant for him. Out of respect for her, he wants to sever communication. Imagine deciding to marry someone 2 months after breaking up with me! It's as if someone has taken over his body. What the heck is going on? I thought he was everything I wanted, then when the pressure started to turn on, he dumps me to find a quick soulmate. Is he just one brick short of a load right now, or can he REALLY believe this is right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: adri_l
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 3:42pm
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's hard not to be angry and bitter, and incredulous at his insensitive behavior (breakup by email). But try not to be. Chances are, he didn't just wake up one day, decide you and he weren't right for one another, and break it off. Many times people feel that way deep inside but find it hard to make a break. He may have been feeling that for a long time, even if he pretended (to you and maybe even to himself) that it wasn't so.

Who knows why people feel as they do or behave as they do. I've learned that it's just a waste of time and energy to invest myself in trying to figure that out. Unless both people feel a relationship is right for them, it's not. It HAS to be mutual. And sometimes over time feelings do change. It's a sad fact of life. It's hard not to let the rejection damage your self-esteem. But rather than directing anger and bitterness at him, turn your energy inside with positive reassurance to yourself that you did nothing wrong, and that there is nothing wrong with you.

What he does from here is his own business. I KNOW it hurts when someone leaves you and soon after picks up with another person. It's sucks. But...you cannot control what he feels or what he does. Don't even waste your energy stressing about it. Be a bigger person and just let it go. Try to learn something positive from this, something that will help you in the future, and then just set the experience aside as baggage you don't want to carry with you into that future.

It will take time to heal from this. Grieve the loss but please try not to retain your anger and bitterness. It will only do YOU harm, it won't affect him at all. Again, I'm really sorry this happened but it doesn't mean there aren't better things ahead for you, when you're open to them and ready for them.

Also, you can get more support by posting on the Breaking up is Hard to Do board, if you haven't already. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: adri_l
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 4:36pm
He's deflinitely not operating on all cylinders. He's one confused boy-o and what he believes is right he may
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
In reply to: adri_l
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:13am
I'm glad everyone else seems to see he's nutso right now, but will anyone tell him? I sure hope so. Oh well, like you said, take care of me. I am praying a lot and hanging out with new friends and trying to be busy. My new job has a lot of travel and it's full time. So, all in all, coping mechanisms are in place. I just don't know how to stop feeling sick to my stomach or how to sleep yet. Tips are welcome.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: adri_l
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:20am
Yikes!

Hey there are blessings in this, he is very impulsive (he met someone and quickly jumped ship out of his relationship) He’s a coward (he ended a two year relationship through EMAIL) At least you know these things and can take solace that you aren’t marrying someone like this, because I bet it would have been a disaster. If he’s so willing to throw a two year relationship away with no communication other than an email, can you imagine what he would have done if you two were married with a couple of kids and someone else turned his head, you’d leave for work one day to come home to an empty house and a Dear Jane letter.

This guy is very bizarre, sorry this happened to you but I think it’s a blessing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
In reply to: adri_l
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:45am
Hey, I can really appreciate your perspective. I know there are blessings in the works. It's just hard because all that time I knew him he was never that kind of person. As far as I could see, he was completely loyal and considerate. It's a Jekyl and Hyde kind of thing, that's the worst part - the part that sickens me the most.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
In reply to: adri_l
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 3:21pm
I had almost the same experience as yours. It's really hard when you break up plus third party. It's hard to think and accept that he's happy with someone else and you being alone. Cry girl till you get tired.

It took me almost a year to get healed. And now, I am just laughing at that experience. I never thought I could overcome that sadness. I'm happy that you pray for this lost. I believe that God has the best plan for us. We just gotta open our eyes and hearts. When I was at your situation, I can't take any advise. All I wanna do is cry and be sad. But you know what, I got tired of it and said to myself,,,, hey time to move on. Yeah, give yourself some time to grieve and to accept then healing will sure take place. You will wake up one day and you'll be asking yourself why are you crying. I want to share this with you. This may seems easier said than done but I believe it makes sense. "Try to find gain from you lost". Goodluck and be happy. God is always watching us.

ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
In reply to: adri_l
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 6:15pm
Thanks a lot Ann! You confirm what I'm already working on. It's so hard not to get involved in his world again. I gave in to the urge to email his girlfriend, and I didn't say anything mean, I just said that she could have him, and for them to be wise about everything. Then I really regreted writing to her. Oh well, no harm done I guess. But I've got to separate myself from theoir situation and move on. You know? It's just hard to know how to. Once again, thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: adri_l
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 4:41pm
I'm sorry this has happened to you. That really sucks.

But I guess you know it wasn't a good thing to email his girlfriend. (how did you get her email address anyway?) You misplaced your anger AT HIM and directed it her... which is something we are prone to do when men leave us for another woman. We don't want to say the "wrong" thing directly to the ex... because somewhere in the back of our minds we think "maybe he'll change his mind," and we don't want to ruin the chance of that!

Well, you are going to have a lot of strange thoughts as you go through this healing process, including the irrational fantasy that he will come back to you. First, accept that it's over. And then accept that you are BETTER OFF. You don't really want someone who could be such a jerk. He's actually given you a gift... the chance to see who he REALLY is, before you made a bigger mistake and married him. He is a coward and a cold SOB.

And I agree with the person who said that while the break-up was sudden, he probably had been feeling dissatisfied for some time. So you see, he wasn't even man enough to tell what he wanted from your relationship. This new woman gave him the "guts" to leave you. Cowardly, insecure men hate to be alone... they only leave one woman to go to the next woman who will take care of them.

You've heard it before, but nothing can take the place of TIME as you recover from this. I wish I had a magic potion or some magic words to take the pain out of the process... if I did I'd be a billionaire. But you will get through this.

I know how you feel right now... I have also had my heart broken so bad that I thought I would die. I actually became physically ILL after seeing one of my ex-boyfriends with his new girlfriend. I went home, crying hysterically, collapsed in my mother's arms, and then I threw up. But guess what... I got over him. And today, I am SOOOOOO glad I got away from that man! He's a mess and he is NOT happy. Don't get me wrong... I don't wish bad things for him. But I'm just grateful that I am not with him, because I would be unhappy too.

Keep your friends around you.. .don't isolate and push people away. You'll not only feel lonelier, but the time will seem to go slower. If you stay busy, you will soon find that whole days go by when you didn't even think of him, and then weeks, and then not at all! Do something you always wanted to do, or things you you used to do but stopped because you were spending time with him.

I wish you Godspeed and a quick mending. This board is here for you.