Crush on someone who's taken...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Crush on someone who's taken...
8
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:21pm
Well I've got a doozy of a question for all you ladies out there. I'm in an interesting situation. I live in Chicago and I'm a single guy (yes, I came to the cosmo website for advice). I graduated from college not long ago and am currently working for a law firm in the city. Not a bad gig. But my love life is far from stellar. In fact, it's nonexistent. But there is a small glimmer of hope, or at least I think so. I have become friends with a girl I knew from college. She moved from Ohio to Chicago not long ago and doesn't know many people here. She's a cute blonde and I've totally got a crush on her. One big problem though: she's got a boyfriend. Wait, it gets better. Her boyfriend is a fraternity brother of mine who is still in college. So as you can see, I'm in a precarious situation. I am totally falling for this girl and she's totally unavaliable. And what makes it harder is the fact that she seems to be totally in love with him. I mean she drives to Ohio to see him when he can't come here. She talkes on her cell phone with him when she's with me. I joke around with her about her having a boyfriend, but it sitll makes me feel a little empty when she calls him when she's with me. But I think there is hope. We have gone out more lately than ever before. We went out for dinner and drinks last Saturday and we really hit it off. He was at school and wasn't around. I think that part of it was the fact that she's got a man. It took some of the pressure off. We just drank and ate like we were good friends. And we are. But As many of you know, a guy can't be "Just Friends" with a girl. I've fallen for her and I don't know what to do. We are going out tomorrow night, and I don't know what to do. Basically there is nothing I can do. I mean her boyfriend is my frat brother, and my friend. But I can't overlook my feelings and act like they don't exist. I think my best course of action is to just go with the flow. I mean I don't expect to sleep with her, so I guess I just have to be her friend. If things go sour between her and her man, then I can consider making a move. But until that happens, I'm stuck. What does everyone think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:34pm
I agree with your plan of attack. She's unobtainable right now, trying for her would just cause trouble and possibly risk ruining your friendship. Things like this have a way of working themselves out. Time will give you the answer. I believein not doing anything that I wouldn't want someone to do to me. If she seems happy, let her be. This situation could cause you to lose a lot more friendships than just hers. I was in a sorority in college and know how that atmosphere can be. Laying low for a while is your best bet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:39pm

No, you are wrong:

"I think my best course of action is to just go with the flow."

This lady thinks you are her buddy, you don't want to be buddies so you plan to park yourself in the friend zone until you see a crack in the situation and then go for the gold.

That is so wrong on so many levels. What you are doing is completely dishonest. This lady is unavailable. I understand you are a lawyer and probably working a lot of hours, but you are going to have find the time to find a woman that is available to date for a relationship. And, yes, I a guy can easily be "just friends" with a lady.

Work on your own life, forget this lady. If she breaks up with her boyfriend I am sure you will hear about it and then you can ask her out on a date if you are still available.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:51pm
Well, thanks for your input, but no thanks. I'm not just waiting in the background for things to fall through with her boyfriend. I'm her friend. Yes, I have the hots for her, but it's not like I have another motive here. The last thing I'm doing is being dishonest. I'm not throwing myself at her nor am I not speaking with her. I'm her friend and nothing more. If something else develops, so be it. What would you have me do? Not speak with her anymore? That's a crappy idea. And NO, a guy can't be "Just Friends." Haven't you ever watched Chris Rock. "Men and women can't be friends. Women can be friends with men. But men just have 'Women I haven't Fu**ed yet'"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 1:01pm

The last part, of course, cracked me up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 1:10pm

You are contradicting yourself. You say you can't be friends with a woman, but then you say you ARE her friend. You can't have it both ways. Which is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 1:18pm

OK, but you contradict yourself here. You are saying that you are only friends with this girl but you are saying that men can't be friends with women (thus you can't be friends with her). So you're her friend but she's not YOUR friend? Sorry, I'm just trying to understand. From what I see, essentially, you ARE sitting around waiting for things to fall apart with her boyfriend because she's not your friend, she's only a girl you haven't f*&%ed yet.

You are probably going to wind up being disappointed. If I were you, I'd limit time with her and focus on finding a woman who is available. Besides, the longer that things continue this way, the more you are going to develop feelings for her. Something could happen between the two of you that would not only ruin her relationship with her boyfriend but could ruin your relationship with her or ruin your relationship with your frat brother. If she ever gets wind that you have a crush on her and have continued to see her (even as a friend) while she is completely in love with her b/f, that puts her in a very awkward position. She'll probably be uncomfortable and end the friendship anyway. There are thousands of available women in Chicago. Find one and move on from this girl who's unavailable. If they break up, you'll know and can move in then, but for now, move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 1:28pm
The best thing for you to do is be her friend. But do not put your life on hold. Date other women and just live your life. If the relationship falls apart, you have been her friend all along and you'll probably be the first to know. A lot could happen between this girl and guy. He may end up getting a great job elsewhere and not want to move to Chicago (I've seen this happen a lot). I graduated in 1994 and by 2000, most of my college friends were already scattered all over the country. Now this scenario I just mentioned is only suggested if you haven't met someone else in the meantime. It doesn't pay to put your life on hold waiting for someone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 8:53am
Well, IMHO I think you are in the wrong. You said that you have fallen for this girl and you know that she is happy with her current boyfriend. Of course you cannot control how you feel about her but realize, you are also letting yourself down in the long run. You become more and more attached to her and then it may become an issue in your friendship. There is nothing wrong with being friends with someone, but waiting for them to break up is no good. How long have they been together? Also, if they do break up, chances are she won't be ready to run into a new relationship right off the bat. I think taking someone else's man or woman is wrong, in the sense that you knowingly try to break up someone's relationship. Of course, being friends is innocent but you obviously do NOT wish her well in her current relationship and friends wish each other well...I know I am friends with a man who was totally head over heels for me but I would never date him even if I wasn't attached so he moved on and now is dating a wonderful girl...Good luck!