Crushing on my ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Crushing on my ex
2
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:40pm
So it's been a week and half since my 3 week 'relationship' with D ended. I went through the typical breakup stuff in the beginning but right now I'm feeling pretty good. Not feeling hurt or anything, and mostly just feeling compassion towards him even though he did most of the breaking up. (I credit this new attitude to the book "Bonds that make us free" by C. Terry Warner- this book has changed my perspective on everything, including my first love that broke up with me in Dec. - I'd strongly recommend this book to anyone)

Anyway, I cannot seem to get him out of my head. And it's not even in a negative way, like I had with my other ex. I don't even feel like we broke up. I really don't think this is another of one of those 'I want my ex back' sort of feelings. I've had no contact with him since our breakup and I'm dying to just drop a line to say hello. I miss him and his friends, but not in a way that an ex gf would. I miss him like a friend I haven't seen in a while. Totally positive feelings towards him. I feel like I'm developing a crush on him all over again, like he's a guy I know and when I think of him, I feel all giddy, just like if I started developing a girly crush on someone. I'd like to see him and just hang out with him and his friends again, even if it's just as casual friends. This is a new thing for me so anyone have thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:07am
I can understand how you feel. About 2 months ago I had a 4 week 'relationship' with someone I had known for half a year. He broke up with me, it was totally his decision, but I'm still friends with him. It was a bit easier for me, cause we had already discussed the 'staying friends' thing before we broke up, so I knew he wanted me as a friend. You, of course, don't. So here's my advice: contact him and ask him. Just tell him you miss being around him, that you miss having him AS A FRIEND. It's really important you make that clear, that you don't have any romantic feelings (even if there are still some left) and that you are not looking for a second chance. I don't know if you're the kind of person who can just say that, but I really think it's the best way. Don't try to find an excuse to contact him, just be honest (except for the crush-thing). I hope it works out for you. I am wondering by the way, how serious was you 'relationship', both emotional and physical, cause that can make some difference. Well, good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:19pm
Thanks for the advice. We spent quite a bit of time together while we were a 'couple' and had known each other for about a week before we kissed for the first time. We had sex a few times. Emotionally, I think he was getting more involved with me (that's why he broke it off - he was afraid of falling in love with me and he didn't want anything serious) than I was with him. I was just taking things as they came, enjoying his company. We never had the 'being friends after the breakup' talk, although when he was breaking things off, he said 'he'd like us to go back to being friends'. I don't know if he meant it or he just said it as part of the break up speech. Later when I asked him if I should keep in touch with him or 'erase him', he said 'you might as well erase me'. He was disappointed that I wasn't going to keep in touch with his best friend though. I told him that keeping in touch with his friend would remind me of him too much.

Anyway, last night I wrote him an email asking how he's doing, and that I feel bad for having pushed into a relationship when he was clear from the beginning that he didn't want anything serious. I really do feel bad about that. I think I pushed what I wanted more instead of listening to his feelings. Then I told him that I missed hanging out with him and his friends and that they make me laugh and I wish I could keep that. I told him to get back to me and let me know if he wants to hang out some time.

I guess all I can do now is wait and see what happens.