Damned if I do and damned if I don't
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Damned if I do and damned if I don't
| Thu, 05-10-2007 - 8:44am |
I had a great online chat with a nice guy from a dating site he said he'd love to travel to meet me but if I was going to say no categorically to sex on a first meeting then he wouldn't make the journey. He said that long distance relationships weren't for him (although he lives in my home country where i have an apartment and can return to at any time) and he would see our meetings as analagous to a 'spa' where we could 'refresh' ourselves once every couple of months or so and that as you didn't go to a spa daily neither did one need to see each other daily. I told him that every time I'd caved into the guy and had sex on first meet I never saw him again. Mind you, every time I didn't put out for a guy on the first meet I also never saw him again (if he was just after sex) but at least didn't feel upset/used.
This guy then said that probably the reason I never saw guys again was that I was not good in bed. I rather thought it was cos the guy saw me as a conquest and didn't want to get involved.
I am in a quandry here; I really liked this guy (at least from talking to him online) and wanted to explore the options.
Am I right to put the break on first or second date sex now? I have had so many bad past experiences from not holding back.
I was also talking to another guy online from the same site and he said on the contrary, no guy will respect a woman who puts out for him straight away and so what do you think??
The reason I ask this is cos the last guy I met for a coffee invited himself next time into my apartment and I looked less than enthusiastic to such an arrangement and I never saw him again. Although he said he'd ring me he never did.
Is refusing a man sex early on tantamount to having no chance of a relationship? I somehow always thought the contrary. And moreover, a lot of these guys are 'slippery' from the beginning and saying things like they do not want long-distance relationships sort of sets out the agenda anyway.
I know I sound naive and maybe I am but things are not working for me and I am not a young girl so maybe things have changed (dating wise) since I was!
This guy then said that probably the reason I never saw guys again was that I was not good in bed. I rather thought it was cos the guy saw me as a conquest and didn't want to get involved.
I am in a quandry here; I really liked this guy (at least from talking to him online) and wanted to explore the options.
Am I right to put the break on first or second date sex now? I have had so many bad past experiences from not holding back.
I was also talking to another guy online from the same site and he said on the contrary, no guy will respect a woman who puts out for him straight away and so what do you think??
The reason I ask this is cos the last guy I met for a coffee invited himself next time into my apartment and I looked less than enthusiastic to such an arrangement and I never saw him again. Although he said he'd ring me he never did.
Is refusing a man sex early on tantamount to having no chance of a relationship? I somehow always thought the contrary. And moreover, a lot of these guys are 'slippery' from the beginning and saying things like they do not want long-distance relationships sort of sets out the agenda anyway.
I know I sound naive and maybe I am but things are not working for me and I am not a young girl so maybe things have changed (dating wise) since I was!

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So let me get this straight, this guy has never met you, but implied that men you have sex with have left you after having sex for the first time, because you were not good in bed? WTF!?!?! Sorry but I would have nexted this guy immediately. It sounds like he really only wants sex and is trying to manipulate you in to making sure he gets it and then if he leaves, well it must have been *your* fault for being bad in bed? Move on, don't give this guy any more of your precious time and energy, he is not worth it. You are worth much more than this guy is offering.
Hugs,
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
No no no no no.
"I had a great online chat with a nice guy from a dating site he said he'd love to travel to meet me but if I was going to say no categorically to sex on a first meeting then he wouldn't make the journey. He said that long distance relationships weren't for him." -- I think this answers your question as to whether you should consider this guy.
"This guy then said that probably the reason I never saw guys again was that I was not good in bed." --- jerk.
"Is refusing a man sex early on tantamount to having no chance of a relationship?" -- no, it is just that the guys you are meeting right now just want sex and no relationship.
My dear elderly mother has a different take on things. She basically told me that at my age I should be grateful for what I can get and while waiting for a relationship should use these men to refresh myself in the middle of a sexual drought as it were.
I however am quite capable of being 'parched' long term sexually rather than cave in to these guys who are simply assh**les and players.
I am not able to go and have sex with someone like having a drink of water and feel good about it afterwards. I am old fashioned enough to want a relationship with sex.
This guy I chatted to at least made his position clear which was that he didnt want a relationship but did want sex.
Sadly as was said, quite a few guys use dating agencies as cheap escort agencies and are insincere about their motives.
His profile was really nice but he said he wrote it 'in a lonely moment' and now was no longer looking for someone and that dating sights are artificial and you cannot just meet someone like ordering a pizza.
Despite that, his profile remains active on the site and he logs in every day (the site says when a person last logs in) so his apathy also has a hollow ring to it.
So a guy you thought you liked online basically said hey, I'll come to see you but if you're telling me that you won't even consider sex with me then I'm not coming???? What's the issue?? He then guilt trips you and says essentially that you are bad in bed???
Yikes!!! What a HUGE red flag! I'm not trying to be alarmist either, but I would be concerned for your safety if you were alone with him and did turn down sex.
You deserve better!
What amuses me is they put out all this crap on their profiles saying what nice, educated guys, looking for soulmates etc etc and they just turn out to be the usual low life players and weirdos!
Why would you want to have sex with someone who going on says you'll be a refresher stop, like a spa!
You know, I think maybe you need to stop talking to your mom about your love life ;) I'm sure she means well, but her outdated thinking is actually what's holding you back and encouraging you to hold onto jerks like that, instead of helping you move forward in order to find a great man. They ARE out there, keep looking, and don't for a second let down your own personal standards when it comes to sex and intimacy. The right man *for you* will already be in accordance with what you want.
Best,
~~.: Sandra :.~~
"My dear elderly mother has a different take on things. She basically told me that at my age I should be grateful for what I can get and while waiting for a relationship should use these men to refresh myself in the middle of a sexual drought as it were." -- our mothers had a different value system placed on relationships. They WERE grateful for whomever they could get.
"Sadly as was said, quite a few guys use dating agencies as cheap escort agencies and are insincere about their motives." --- I bet they are. I have known people years ago who used agencies and never met anyone decent.
"Despite that, his profile remains active on the site and he logs in every day (the site says when a person last logs in) so his apathy also has a hollow ring to it.' --- the way that guys think is that they always want to keep their options open. You know, kind of like the excuse they give when they want to still keep dating others "I want to make sure that she is the right one. So I'll go out and date a little more and then I'll know." No idiot, you really dont want to settle for that girl and you know it so you hope that you meet someone else so you can break it off with her having a safety net under you.
Men are sure amazing sometimes, aren't they? But, you know, plenty of women do the same thing, except they don't say and do stupid things to create pandemonium like men do.
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