Damned if I do and damned if I don't

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Damned if I do and damned if I don't
13
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 8:44am
I had a great online chat with a nice guy from a dating site he said he'd love to travel to meet me but if I was going to say no categorically to sex on a first meeting then he wouldn't make the journey. He said that long distance relationships weren't for him (although he lives in my home country where i have an apartment and can return to at any time) and he would see our meetings as analagous to a 'spa' where we could 'refresh' ourselves once every couple of months or so and that as you didn't go to a spa daily neither did one need to see each other daily. I told him that every time I'd caved into the guy and had sex on first meet I never saw him again. Mind you, every time I didn't put out for a guy on the first meet I also never saw him again (if he was just after sex) but at least didn't feel upset/used.
This guy then said that probably the reason I never saw guys again was that I was not good in bed. I rather thought it was cos the guy saw me as a conquest and didn't want to get involved.
I am in a quandry here; I really liked this guy (at least from talking to him online) and wanted to explore the options.
Am I right to put the break on first or second date sex now? I have had so many bad past experiences from not holding back.
I was also talking to another guy online from the same site and he said on the contrary, no guy will respect a woman who puts out for him straight away and so what do you think??
The reason I ask this is cos the last guy I met for a coffee invited himself next time into my apartment and I looked less than enthusiastic to such an arrangement and I never saw him again. Although he said he'd ring me he never did.
Is refusing a man sex early on tantamount to having no chance of a relationship? I somehow always thought the contrary. And moreover, a lot of these guys are 'slippery' from the beginning and saying things like they do not want long-distance relationships sort of sets out the agenda anyway.
I know I sound naive and maybe I am but things are not working for me and I am not a young girl so maybe things have changed (dating wise) since I was!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 6:47pm

Do you really want to be with someone who is already being abusive - first saying if you won't have sex you're not worth traveling to meet and then being disgusting enough to tell you that you're probably not good

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 4:38pm
*sigh* Where are all these nice men then? All I meet are out and out players and liars! I have now gone past the point of no return and am staying single and celibate! I am having enough trouble trying to train for a competition next year without permanently damaging my health or going bankrupt to worry about these useless creeps!! If someone is any good he has to prove he is worthwhile me bothering about without me having to jump through hoops to catch his attention or prove that I am 'good in bed' for him to continue a relationship with me!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 5:18pm

"damaging my health or going bankrupt to worry about these useless creeps!!" -- oh..never damage your health or go bankrupt because of a guy...not worth it. With my second ex husband, my stomach would literally ball up into a knot and the pain was incredible. It felt like someone repeatedly punched me in the gut, that is how sore it was when I would just lay my fingers on my stomach. My doctor said it was stress and I thought he had to be wrong because the pain was too much. But he was right. About a month after the divorce...pain gone. I never get pain like that unless I am married. Dating...no pains.

"If someone is any good he has to prove he is worthwhile me bothering about without me having to jump through hoops to catch his attention or prove that I am 'good in bed' for him to continue a relationship with me!!" -- jumping through hoops to catch attention just means that there may be no natural connection between the two of you...so wise to let that go. As far as you having to prove you are good in bed to continue a relationship...that's b.s. too. How arrogant of any man to suggest that of you. However, you do want someone who you connect with on that level..it is alot more fun.

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