damsel in distress? does it work w/ men?
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| Tue, 04-27-2004 - 12:35pm |
but shes alreayd been sleeping over at his place every night since they started hanging out? she had a problem recently and went straight to his place to talk with him about it, crying, everything.
if i did this with a guy i just started to date, i'd be seeing his back since he'd be running so fast from all that drama? but this guy seems to be ok with it. I don't get it.
both are recently out of relationships, and he is talking baout the future with her, etc.
what the heck am i doing wrong dating? i haven't had a serious rs for over 2 years now. i date alot but it seems like everytime i like a guy, it doesnt work out. of course it wokrs out with the guys im not interested in...
do men really like damsel in distress? i've tried changing to where i'm less independent since men need to see they help you, they can provide for you. but i don't think i'd ever be at the pt where i'd go running to the guy i just started to date to cry my eyes out... after only a week of dating?! what the hell?
I guess im jealous in some ways shes getting away with this and its working - yet if it happened to me, i'd see the guy running the other way? argh.
just want ppl's two cents.

Don't you think some men are willing to accept "damsels in distress" to a point? And others are scared when the "weepies" begin?
If you have found yourself in a non-active serious relationship for 2 years---why don't you ask yourself if there's a trait of yours (or 3) that turns a man off? Perhaps you could be coming on too strong...or not strong enough? Maybe you've selected men who you have very little in common with? If you're not really interested in these guys---WHY DATE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE? You're not THAT DESPERATE, are you?
Perhaps you're making too many comparisons with your "sleep-around sistah?" So she spends the night at her boyfriend's house---but this doesn't guarantee her a wedding ring and a marriage license! If she starts making too many plans too quickly...she'll be spending her overnights at home!
You've got to be TRUE TO YOURSELF and YOUR VALUES! If you compromise uncomfortably now, you'll leave a false impression with any man you choose to date. This will hurt you later on when the guy realizes "Your True Colors" (to quote Cindi Lauper).
There's probably a man who would love your charm, beauty, mannerisms...the entire package! But the only way to discover him is not to settle just for someone who will take you out on a Friday or Saturday night!
Give yourself a chance...and a little more time.
Pianoguy
And you're simply looking to live by and with and for the standards, principles, goals, priorities, values, and boundaries of other people - in exchange for security and alliance, identity and success - not on personal terms or in personal wyas.
Some men love rescuing women...they love them being so bubble headed as to not be able to balance a checkbook - so of course during the marriage she has no credit cards, checkbook and limited cash and NO ATM options. She doesn't sign the paperwork, hasn't a clue what the mortgage note is, helps him choose cars based on the color of the body as it suits her nail polish preference - she's just a flighty, bubbly, airheaded little thing that has no "sense" and she's just so adorably cute that as long as she's restricted from getting into any reality based serious situation o realm - she's wonderful to have. She makes him feel lik the strong, gallant, and great man because she literally needs him in order to know when to go and pee! And of course, the tantrums when she's not allowed to go the $500 day spa are dealt with as if she's a spoiled small child, easily consoled with a distraction or diversion.
If you're not that in real life..it's just hard for a man to believe that yooure' incapable, insecure, and lacking in awareness, acceptance or goal focus. I mean, you can stand around with money in the bank, a good job and great professional reputation, a familial status that is quite admiring of your accomplishments, an entire litany of interests and hobbies at which you excel in by choice and go "oh, I broke a fingernail, bbuuuuuuutttttttt, ooooohhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,nnnnnooooooooo,,,,,pppuhyllleeezzeee help me, I'm inconsolable and incontrollable, I just can't stand my lack of perfection, quick, quick, quick, get me to the nail salon, I can't drive myself I'm too overwrought and I'd wreck the car. I don't care that you have to miss the CEO presentation, I can't handle this, ohhh, bbbbbuuuuttt....oh my God, the world is caving in, I have a split in my other nail, Oh my God.......valium, valium get me my valium." While you dig wildly in the purse...and assuredly the man is NOT going to let you drive the car, and like the spoiled child that he's nurtured - he takes you in, missess his meeting...and you two never have an equality based relationship, conversation, or anyting else.
She's not "getting anything"....that you're not getting - except being thought of as a helpless victim to life that if she's not saved, she'll betotally adrift in the sea of life, that she's too stupid, insecure, innept, incapable, and irresonsible to be of any good use -except as an adornment and an adjunct.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
PianoGuy: just so you know, um not desperate, and trust me when i say how picky i am. i got out with less than half the guys i meet and ask me out. the guys i do date, i thnk there might be potential but whne i get to know them, they aren't compatible w/ me or no chemistry. the guys i do like, i think theres alot in common/we're compatible, etc. I'm a little more discerning than you give me crdit for.
My biggest flaw is showing my affection when I do like the guy. I do'nt pursue but guys can sense this. I know this. And may be why I push them away after a month or two.
Ive been working on this.
Theres just nothing else I can do, but its hard as a woman to see all your friends have significant others. and im sorry PiangoGuy you can't understand this no matter how hard you try. You aren't a woman. While Im very happy single 80% of the time, there is a part of me that woul dlike to share a rs with a man i admire, love, and am committed to. And its fustrating not finding it when everyone around you has found this person.
Me...41, athlete, full time job, good retirement benefits, living in a little penthouse treehouse apartment, competing all over the world, training hard, loving every minute of it....solo is my forte......and so many of those men and women that have found osmeone go "man, I wish I had your life'.
Yeah, I know they do....they do not wish to define and pursue 'greatness" in the personal realm...they preferred to play parts, act out roles, and fulfill societal and familial expectations...and they're miserable in great part for doing it.
6 years....and I have finally found a guy that shares "my definition of a great relationship"...finally - someone who doesn't need me around 24/7 in order to do the right thing...finally, sooene secure enough in himself to be complete without me.....and he's delighted to find the same traits in me...that he worked hard to perfect in himself.
Don't give up...but don't settle....oh my God, I'd rather have "me solo" - than me with any of those four loser husbands I chose for 17 years, without ever dating and always being a damsel in distress! Living by someone else's standards, living thru someone else's success - rarely meets your needs!
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
(she's too stupid, insecure, innept, incapable, and irresonsible to be of any good use -except as an adornment and an adjunct)
Obviously no disrespect meant, and maybe I misunderstood, if someone is NOT ready to deal with whatever issues they struggle through then they are simply not ready. I feel there is also a difference between high maintenance and emotionally needy. Yes, nail salon and tanning booths may be a short term fix for someone who is emotionally needy. Damsel in distress - if enacted consciously - is a GAME! Sure there are PLENTY of men who LOVE "the GAME" but are they really healthy men (mentally and emotionally)- I would tend to believe no they are not. If the part is played because a woman has never played anything else but damsel in distress, totally different story and she probably could use a bit of therapy (WHO COULDN'T, RIGHT?!!?)
Surfergirl - don't compare your friend's dating style with your own. (less independent since men need to see they help you, they can provide for you)- REAL men, men who are healthy and have their *%&@ together, and acknowledge the existence of equality between men and women (to the extent nature makes possible) (WAIT - are there actually men like that!?!?)should not NEED to feel like they have "helped" you. YOU help you. I would say DO NOT become less independant to cater to the insecurities of certain men. F-CK THAT! I want to meet a man who appreciates my strength and independance, can "deal" with my crazy hormones for about a week every month (give or take), and gets excited because I'm excited without telling me to "chill." Don't sell yourself short!!!!
p.s. I write this while taking full responsibility of the fact I am going on a date tonight that I know I shouldn't be (what is that saying about never taking our own advice)!
anyhow, erin i relate to your post. i think ive always known im destined to be this independent , successful, powerful woman who men are a bit intimidated by. that won't change. what i can change is asking for help when i need it. i tend to be a bit stubborn to the pt of never asking for help.
i'll find my way, its just learning and evaluating life's events i am passed.
thanks gals.
If "damsel in distress" is a game....if it is consciously enacted...then that is all it is. IT's a game......realize some games are high stake and for keeps. Being high maintennace with the requirement for tanning booths, nail salons, day spa trips, designer clothing - and all that is REQUIRED and her way of getting it is "via another"....well, that is a game it's a high stakes game...I pity the fool that falls for it. Reminds me of about four women I know taht got men to pay for their boob upgrade - that they left once it was done. Heck, one guy never even got to touch or see his "investment" except one day on the beach where he happened to see his investment scantily clad and rubbing up against some beach boy stud's bicep.
If damsel in distress is a lifestyle - as in the woman can't figure out why her relationships never work, why she never gets a raise, why her kids don't respect her, why everything always falls apart when she's around.......that is typically what Sir Lancelot and Gallahad types (that have their own set of issues) attract and are attracted to. That's NOT a conscious game...that's tragedy on all counts of people that lack self-awareness, self-definition, self-acceptance, and self-responsibility..and quite often they'll be professional successful but nothing else.
But basically - nobody becomes what they're not at the core via a relationship or an upgrade.
If a woman isn't a social moron, or a bubble-headed boob....rarely is she going to "act" like one.
And here's something telling. When I began dating the guy I am now with.....he said one phrase I used constantly disturbed him. I'd known him prior to dating and my phrase was "you're the most wonderful man I know". In fact, the first year - for his birthday present - he requested I NEVER utter that phrase again. Even in jest.....it just made his skin crawl. So, I honored his request.
As we grew more in terms of respect and admiration in year #2...I asked why that phrase upset him. I had a whole list of reasons i was sure were partly right. None were. HE said that quite simply if without knowing him except in that short period of time he was the "most wonderful man I knew' it meant I was either a hasty judge of character which didn't lend him to wanting more involvement...or it meant I was totally insecure and looking for something from him in some way and this emotional manipulation trying to gain access to whatever i wnted via adoration was disgusting. I saw his point...the phrase was no longer in my repetroire - and I too had developed a more objective and discerning picture of his character and values...nd he was not "the most wonderful man I know" in some gushing, adolescent regard.
In Year 4 (now there)......I was talking with someone and he was standing near. Happened jsut the other day......as a matter of fact......and while it is normal that one wants to defend or uplift their mate to others, I have no need of doing that in his case, in this particular crowd. And I said something in response to whatever the person I was conversing with said and part of the response was "really, he's the most wonderful man I know." It slipped out....and I didn't really think much of it. On the way home, he mentioned it and I stood ready to discuss (not defend or apologize)...and I found a different conversation than anticipated. HE said he heard the respect in my voice for his character as an individual in the statement..and that is what had been lacking in my original assessment 4 years ago and why the phrase disturbed him. I asked if that meant I could refer to him as "the most wonderful man I know" again. He said sure, aslong as you mean it like you did when you were talking to Jay.
I think that's very telling. When he met me I was getting my life together I was on uncertain (not shaky) ground in terms of self-actualization. I was far from complete as a person - so I no ability to admire and respect a person as an individual. I had the long-held ability to respect and admire what you could bring to my life based on your talents, abilities, possessions and positions.
I don't think that women that aren't damsel's in distress portray themselves as such...it's destructive to self-esteem. What you think of you is what counts. And what you think of yourself is relfected in your actions, decisions and words - when people are looking adn when they're not. And I don't think that true people lacking in self-actualization try to portray themselves as "in distress" - it's just that thier lives lack success, security, happiness, and completion so they are distressed - and it just shows. And rather than look inward for solutions - they perceive that is where the problems originated...and they look outward for solutions or salvation....so they're sending the distress signal out - and whoever answers it has problems in thier own right, as well.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com