Date who loves to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Date who loves to vent
7
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 1:15pm

A week ago on a Wednesday night, I had a first date with a guy, Tony that my friend, Kerri introduced me to. Tuesday night (night before the date), I found out that Kerri and Tony had a falling out over the phone and were not speaking to one another. Kerri called me and told me about it, but said, "go ahead with your plans. I just wanted to give you the heads up in case he brings it up. I'll admit, I said things I shouldn't have said and I even e-mailed him to apologize and he hasn't returned my e-mail". According to Kerri, the arguement was about whether or not we should pull out of the war and other political things. My view on the war is opposite of Kerri's and we've had many discussions, but no arguements. She is a fair debater and raises many intelligent points. She refrained from telling me anything he said.

So....Wednesday night, we had the date and boy, did he ever bring up the argument he had with Kerri. He told me he can't be friends with someone with "those views". He spent the entire evening venting about her and her views. I spent most of my time trying to convince him to get past the political stuff and that friendships are more important. He was delighted that I am in agreement on my stance about the war, and he said Kerri "used my political stance as a selling point in playing matchmaker".

Besides the venting, he really was the perfect gentleman. He picked up the tab at the restaurant, wouldn't let me pay for any beverages at the bar and didn't try to have a "nightcap" at either of our apartments. He asked me out for the following Saturday.

Saturday night, we went out and a good part of the evening was spent on his venting about Kerri. By now, I know every detail. He continuously asked me if I thought he was wrong in saying this or that. There were some things he could have said nicer, but IMO, there is nothing wrong with backing up your political views.

Since then, every phone conversation was about Kerri. He went away on business on Monday and is supposed to be back tomorrow afternoon and we're supposed to go out again tomorrow night. I'm not sure I want to go out with him, because I'm getting sick and tired of his venting and asking for feedback. The last time I talked to him on the phone, I said "can't we talk about something else?" He got a bit perturbed, because of my tone of voice. We e-mailed during the week and I asked him a question about burning mp3's. The question was also my subject title ("burning mp3's on my ipod"). His email came back. Sudject title "RE: burning mp3's on my ipod" and he didn't answer my question! He went on venting about Kerri!

I was figuring this guy might make a nice date, once he got over his falling out, but it seems he will never get over it. He spends way too much time licking his wounds. He seems overly sensitive. Am I being too impatient with him? Kerri thinks he's a nut job.

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 3:13pm

He certainly sounds a bit "nut-jobbie"!!

I'd let it go. You've given him several chances, and have even gone so far as to let him know you would like to talk about something else <>

Also, would you want to date someone long term who ix-nays every person from his life who might have opposing political views?

Not me, that's for sure!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 5:15pm

It has been my experience that people talk about those things that most matter to them. So it seems like she is quite important to him! Perhaps just as a friend or perhaps he has other designs on her. But it doesn't sound like there's room in his life right now for another person until he stops obsessing about her!

Personally, I'd probably not go out with him again. But if you otherwise like him and want to give it a go still, then you need to be direct with him about your expectations of his behavior. I would tell him directly that the reason why the two of you met up was not to talk about Kerri, but to talk and learn about each other. Tell him you don't want to be in the middle and you do not want to talk about their arguments. If he is willing to honor your wishes, you'd be happy to see him.

Very annoying! Let us know how it goes.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 5:49pm

Not only is he overly obsessed with this, he is really being insensitive to the fact that you are FRIENDS with Kerri! Who likes to hear their friend be bashed? It's very thoughtless of him (to say the least) to put you in that position.

And his obsession really does make you wonder if he has feelings for her!

I think it's time to "next!" this guy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 6:44pm

Why did Kerri introduce Tony to you if she thinks he is a nut case? It's odd that she introduced him to you when she once had been involved with him.

Maybe you should move on since you are not happy being with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 7:44pm

Thanks everyone for your replies. Kerri introduced me to him before the arguement and according to her, he had never acted this way before. So she thinks he's a nut job since this all transpired.

Anyway, I was just on IM with him and he made my decision very easy to make. He is definatley not dating material. Here is the jist of the conversation:

Tony: Hey! Are we still on for tomorrow night?

Ginger: Sure! What time do you want to meet up? Do you still want to eat at the Baja Grill?

Tony: I just thought of something else Kerri said to me... (then he proceeded to tell me a story that he's told me TWICE already).

Ginger: You told me that story already.

Tony: I did?

Ginger: Twice.

Tony: Oh, I didn't think I told you. I don't remember getting your take on this.

Ginger: I really don't want to talk about Kerri. We are supposed to be getting to know each other and so far, I don't know anything about you and you don't know anything about me.

(long pause maybe 5 minutes or so)

Ginger: We really should spend our time getting to know each other, so why waste time talking about the arguement you had with her?

(another long pause)

Ginger: So what time do you want to get together?

(long pause. This time, I'm getting ready to sign off.)

Tony: Your message deserves no response.

Ginger: What is that supposed to mean?

Computer message: Tony is no longer logged on.

Oh well. I half heartedly was going to go out with him tomorrow, because I wanted to give him the bennie of the doubt and thought everyone deserves a second chance (even though I've already given him many chances).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 8:48pm
My vote's with Kerri
,
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 9:38pm

I think you did the right thing (you gave him another chance, you were direct and upfront about what you wanted). And you made the right decision in not seeing him again after that IM. He is not a quality guy for you!