dating advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
dating advice
4
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:37pm
Hi...

I recently met a man at an online dating site. We emailed back and forth...pictures were exchanged and then we started talking on the phone. We had so much chemistry and had many long conversations about different things in our lives. He is almost divorced and has his daughter every other week. We got together on the spure of the moment one night and there was no akwardness...we just fell into conversation like we did on the phone. We started holding hands then kissing and making out a little. We spent about 5 hours together that night and had a wonderful time. We have talked a couple of times since then and he has called me. The problem is that he had his daughter the week after we met and he moved. He has been extremely busy with that move. He still acts like he wants to get together again but says he is having a hard time deciding when and what. I called him on Sunday and left a message...he hasn't called me back. I just don't know what to think. I know he has had a lot on his plate the last couple of weeks...so I feel like I should give him the benefit of the doubt. But I also feel like maybe he isn't interested...or something. I know we only had one date but I felt a connection and think he did too. What should I do? Sit tight and see what happens? Ask him what is going on? Let is go without knowing what happened? Stop obsessing and let thinks take there course? I am trying hard not to let him see my insecurities...of which there are many...my heart/head says chill and give him time to get his life organized again and the other part is like what gives?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: lvspoetry
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 1:17pm
I wouldn't call him. If he's interested he'll call you back once he's not so "busy". I recommend reading He's Just Not That Into You. I'm sure you've heard of the book if you're on this website. Anyway, I think it offers a lot of good information and advice. Half the questions posted on these boards could be answered if the women would read the book.

-Jamie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: lvspoetry
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:49pm
From someone who has done the online dating thing, I personally think you did too much online and phone "getting to know you" before meeting in person. Now you've spent a total of 5 hours with him *in real life* and feel like you know him well. But you don't. You can only get to know a real person IN person (that's my opinion based on my own experiences and those of others I've heard). Anyway, do not put your life on hold waiting for him. He's busy AND he's technically still married. Not good timing to start a new relationship (not to mention that you've already called him so the ball's in his court anyway). I would proceed to look and date others. I don't think this man is physically or emotionally ready to begin a new relationship at this point, even if you feel a connection and enjoy one another. It takes a lot more than that to create a healthy, successful relationship. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: lvspoetry
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 4:37pm
You are right. I have done the online dating thing before too and should know better. He should probably not even be on a dating site. I doubt he will call if he hasn't returned the call by now. It is a bummer but there has to be someone more emotionally available. I needed to hear what you had to say because my friends here are saying just be patient with him...etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
In reply to: lvspoetry
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 5:49pm
hello lvspoetry,

I can definitely relate to what you're feeling as my situation is similar. I met

this nice guy in a restaurant,headwaitered and instantly had great chemistry.

He became my usual waiter,as we always had great conversations,he'd linger and

pull up a chair to chat. Finally asked me out after our frequent weekly visits]

asked for my # and called me after a week. A little later,we went out, had

indepth conversations over family,career,friends,backgrounds and common

interests. We're never lost for words,spent 4 1/2 hrs on our first date. He smiled,

was warm,witty,physically attractive and a gentleman,stood up before I sat,hugged

me,never lost eye-contact. He walked me to my door,kissed a little,I felt our

immediate attractions to each other,wanting the evening not to end. He said good-bye

and hugged me,kissing softly(I wanted more),he expressed what a great time we had

and said when can we go out again. My mom being ill with Lymphoma,in hospitol during

this time,he asked if he could visit mom. He had met her at times

when we ate in his restaurant. Mom was so ill,had to be in ICU for bad reactions to

her chemo,had restricted visitors,had to tell him not to go. He seemed okay by this,

and supported me thru frequent phonecalls of his concern for my mom. Going thru

this traumatic time,P. would comfort me,not seeing him and I was always at the

hospitol,he also worked late. Our dates became less frequent. I one day called

him with tragic news,mom was now on lifesupport,organs notworking,her treatable

lymphoma spread like wildfire. Crying due to also losing my dad,who had lung cancer

2 months earlier,I was in a very bad state. P. came over late on evening just to

console me,lift my spirits,we spent hours talking on the sofa,we're going to get

close,in walks my brother,no privacy. P. moved a little less close to me,I know

things would have gotten closer if my brother hadn't been there. Timing for our

mutual desires for romance seemed inconvenient. MY mom sadly passed away,my friend was

there for me,at funeral and after. He then got another job,longer hours,further

away from where we lived,I saw him very little. Talking on the phone late hours

was our sort of dates,sadly. Timing seemed not on our side,he rang me to come to

his place one night,I was at my nephews home visiting his new baby girl. Saw

message,P.left,called him late,and he seemed disappointed. I called him,explained]

where I was,said to go over for a drink at his house. I sad,thanks would luv

to but longstory, don't have my own car,dad's is uninsured..He listened,thought

he offer to pick me up. This became a problem. Since then,with new job calls

less. I even went to see him last week at the nearby eatery he worked at.

Due to my not so independant lifestyle,(trying to get a car,recently lost job,

due to being caregiver with my ill parents,etc.).Thought P. would be a little

more sensitive,as he was in beginning. Perhaps he's met someone in his new job,

in a very busy hotel area,lots of tourists,gorgeous girls,etc. I

think you should not be afraid to ask where he sees this going. If he's caring

he'll find time for you and his current divorce problem.I'm sorry for not telling

P. how much his time in my loss meant to me,and should have found a way to

get a ride to his place that night last month. Don't let a potential love connection]

get away,despite his situation,tell him how you feel. He may respond very

much in your favor! I have one last thing to get P. to thinking about what

we're feeling, a thank you card,with prayers enclosed,to tell him just how special he

was(maybe still can be)for being there during my family loss. We're also very spiritual

and have this in common,some people aren't so religious. Praying for this to be a

sign for us still to see one another soon,(but will not call him) The ball is now

in his court,hope he doesn't drop it! Best wishes,Bellina

C