Dating advice for my Mom-she is Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Dating advice for my Mom-she is Confused
2
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 8:13pm

My Mom is almost 50 years old. Divorced. She wants to settle down again.

She is currently talking to 2 men. One she has known for over a year, mostly on the phone. He lives in another country. He came to visit her. My Mom did not like certain things like how he made comments on her cooking and wanted her to make MORE elaborate food, told her he would like to see her in heels, make-up and MORE smarter dresses (My Mom is a VERY simple lady), and could not understand why she preferred READING as opposed to paying Attention to him!! My Mom is the literary types, and she loves to read. She likes simplicity. She is NOT the high heel kinds. BUT, this guy, at the same time, WANTED to marry her, and asked her to leave everything and come settle down with him in his country. He kept saying "What's taking you so long? I have been waiting for you here". He is impatient. He even told his entire family about her, started looking for a job for her over there, and even had a house ready for her to come settle down with him (she visited him once too). Things started going wrong when he started pressurizing her, would cut off communication with her when he was angry, leaving Mom all alone, and when Mom realized they are two different people.

Meanwhile, Mom got to know ANOTHER guy who lives hours away from her. They have known each other about 2 months now. They have met once. This man does not have a job currently and is depressed. He was an executive with a company earlier, seems to be "over-qualified". He is Trying to get a job. A very simple and honest man. And the best thing that Mom liked about him was that he is VERY VERY WELL READ and the intellectual kinds. They discuss books all the time. He even helped her edit an article. He encourages her to write. But, this man is not stable careerwise. They talk everyday and he likes her very much and they have discussed marriage, but Mom feels things have been cooling off. She has a hunch he is talking to someone else. He also seems to have a little anger problem.

Another angle: The man who lives "outside" the country has started calling her like MAD (when she told him she is talking to someone else). He is literally BEGGING her to come back to him. He tells her "Just say Yes". He says he will change his ways, and will not ask anything from her that she is NOT. That he will let her be the way she is. That he cannot live without her, that he has been waiting for her, that he feels he is losing a great woman. He is also getting his neice to call Mom !! His neice says he is very, very low and refuses to even eat well.

Mom is thoroughly confused what to do !!

Mom is having a hard time living hand to mouth in a part-time job, and with her sickness, it is getting even harder. She desperately needs a companion and some security in her life, and says she is very tired of looking for more men, and starting from scratch at her age. She says it is not easy for her.

She is a Very special lady and I do not want her to "settle for less". But I have to understand that she is from another generation. She says one gets to a point in later life, where one does not have too many conditions. That she will be happy being a wife, keeping herself busy and taking care of her husband, but ofcourse he should also be someone who will treat her right.

I am pained seeing her at this stage. She keeps going back and forth from guy#1 to guy#2. She is getting swayed by guy#1, because he is begging her so much. But she cannot let go of guy#2, because of his literary nature and other similarities. She likes them both for different reasons, and is confused with both for different reasons. I ideally want to tell her to WAIT and Keep Looking. But I realize i am NOT in her shoes.

Any advice for my Mom?
:-(
Thank you.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 8:28pm
Hi....I was waiting for someone's reply...b4 my post went off the page...
Thank you..
Really need some input..
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 10:11pm
NO WAY would I want my mom involved with either of these guys. She should keep looking, in my humble opinion. She is having trouble making ends meet now and she would get involved with an unemployed guy? Many of these guys are just looking for someone to support them. And one with even the hint of an anger problem? Seems like she would be stepping into a nightmare, and maybe even a dangerous situation.
And the guy from another country, he seems like a controlling jerk who would promise anything to get a woman. They are obviously not compatible.
Your mother knows very little about either of these guys. I hope you will encourage her to pass on both of them. I am 53, so I am familiar with the dating world at this age, but there are plenty more good guys out there for her to meet and really get to know, in person, before she makes a huge commitment.