Dating Again -- Time to Break it Off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Dating Again -- Time to Break it Off?
28
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:40am
Hello There! I am 49. I have been dating a man age 50 that I met online through eharmony since last May, we both were married previously. We both had met a number of people from the internet before meeting each other (after 2 mos of emailing) and hit it off from the start. We felt that there was long-term potential but we aren't in a hurry to live together or marry. We have tons of things in common, can finish each other's sentences and have very similar thoughts about many things. But there is one area that I am puzzled and hurt by. My friend will only call at 9:45 at night to chat for a few minutes. Doesn't email. He also seems unable to pay a compliment, has never brought flowers, cards or made other thoughtful gestures. Our time together is limited to one evening per weeknight and usually one week-end evening and most of Sunday. We both have activities and friends that we spend time with seperately. We've also met each other's friends, family, co-workers, etc. My biggest problem is that in my heart it just doesn't feel as though this relationship is as important to him as it is to me. I've discussed how his lack of afirming words/behaviors feels and his response is that this simply is the way he is. And another thing, I discovered a few weeks ago that his eharmony account was still active and he was receiving matches. I confronted him about it and he said he'd simply neglected to shut the account down. He said he loved me and loved the relationship and would close down the account immediately which I think he did. I guess my real difficulty is that I fell for this man and even though I'm not being treated the way I would like I'm having a hard time making a decision to terminate the relationship. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:55am
Well my dear, it sounds like you already know what to do. You just have to do it. Follow your gut. Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 2:00am
Thank you cutiepy82. You're correct, I know my answer because my feelings are what I need to be led by. Dating and love is not for sissies!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 12:21pm

What is important in a love relationship, not just friends, is that each needs to love the other the way he or she wants to be loved. You want to hear romantic words and see romantic gestures. this guy cannot and will not provide that for you. All the things in common in the world don't matter unless you feel special to him. If you are physically affectionate and he is not, it wont work.

Good catch - discovering his eharmony account is still active.

By the way, what is the big deal about finishing each other's sentences? It seems to be a big thing these days. What's up with that?

I think you know what to do. I am soon to be 45 and I know the pickings are slim as we get older, but you are better off alone than having your self esteem damaged by being with someone who does not demonstrate through words and actions that he loves you. The words "I love you" mean nothing unless actions back it up. Some women just care that a paycheck comes home with the man each week and could care less about the quality of their relationship. So many women are like that these days that men have gotten used to it and have become lazy and selfish, thinking that women are just desperate enough to take anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:59pm
Hi Snafu!! Thanks for your intelligent thoughts. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said nothing else in a relationship really matters unless you feel special to that person. I don't know what it is about "finishing each other's sentences" that is so common these days...maybe its just a trite phrase that people are repeating. In my case it does happen pretty often and made the "compatibility" area of the relationship seem very strong from the beginning. I did see a huge red flag almost from the beginning that suggested this guy just wasn't going to behave in a way I've come to expect a guy who likes me to behave. Interestingly to me, my husband and I didn't share many common interests...but he did a pretty good job of meeting my expectations of how a man treats a woman. What? We can't have both??? I'm not sure I agree with your assessment of men being lazy. I'm a people-watcher and notice men treating women, myself included, nicely quite often. For example, I wore a jacket last week that garnered about 15 compliments including several from men. I knew I looked my best that evening when I had dinner with my friend -- he simply didn't notice I looked nice or doesn't have the compliment gene. In the past eleven months I don't think he's ever told me I look nice. I've played indoor soccer for the past couple of years on Sunday evenings. I've invited him a few times to come watch since we spend all Sunday together anyway but he never has inspite of the fact that I've told him how much I enjoy playing, how important its been to me. Thanks for listening as I ramble.
Babsie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 11:40am

Interesting post. I haven't seen much caretaking by men in the last 5 to 6 years. All I have seen is men racing to the strip clubs to get their ya-ya's out because their wives aren't "hot" enough for them anymore. Gee, maybe taking care of 3 children, cleaning the house, PLUS cleaning the house up after the kids, cooking dinner and managing a home, takes the sexiness right out of you. Selfish men. One guy I knew was so deluded about this he thought, "the strip clubs are great because then you can feel like you can still get the hottie." I did laugh a long time to myself about that statement. What an idiot! It's his dollars that he pays for the lap dances that get the stripper, not him. When I would go to company meetings there was usually a strong contigency racing out to the nearest strip club in the area where the meeting was being held instead of these guys networking with company executives or socializing with coworkers. These men had attractive wives. In talking to women, they have indicated to me that they really don't care about the quality of their relationships, just the financial security. I haven't seen anything special out there in about a decade.

You can have both, the common interests and being treated nicely. If this guy doesn't want to attend your games or compliment you, and those things are important to you, then you might want to reconsider him as a boyfriend.

It's nice that strange men give compliments, but I don't hold much stock in that. Why would complete strangers want to give you a compliment? It doesn't make sense. It is not natural, unless they might look for an interest from you to date you. Some men just like experimenting with women's minds. That is going around alot these days here. What would usually happen is that a woman gets a compliment from a complete stranger and then the boyfriend will be the exact opposite. You would be suprised who knows who out there. I know it sounds sick, but listen on: then they measure the woman's reactions to both. does a compliment change a woman's outlook on life, on herself, and what does a negative comment on the same item do? Does a negative comment change the woman's mind about that item or does she hold onto the compliment? Next, does withholding compliments make a woman insecure? Will she break up with him?

Men are doing sick things in groups out there these days. It is a group type attack that is sweeping the nation. Yeah, believe it or not. I got hit with it about 6 years ago. I realized what happened after the negative comment part and I didn't appreciate being medically experimented on (psychological medicine) and dating has been something that I do not do anymore until this ridiculousness goes away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 3:10pm

Sigh.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 5:29pm

:: haven't seen much caretaking by men in the last 5 to 6 years. All I have seen is men racing to the strip clubs to get their ya-ya's out because their wives aren't "hot" enough for them anymore.


Heck, who are you hanging out with?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 5:33pm

Hi babsie,


You wrote:


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 9:45pm
I think it is just Florida. I don't hang out with any of those people. some I used to work with in sales and some were at the gym, they were basically everywhere. Be happy that you have not seen this side to men, like I have. I am not actively dating and don't plan to for a while. What was very interesting about some of these men is that they boo-hiss at the thought of going with the guys at night to these clubs, in front of their wives, and lo and behold they are there at lunchtime. the parking lot was always packed there at that time, from what I am told. Their wives thought they had quite a catch.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 9:52pm
This is alot of work for a man who doesn't click with her. If you have to read a book, do interviews with the guy and constantly express your needs when he ignores them, then he is not the right match for you. I know love is work. I know that a good relationship does rely on excellent communication. I know that no one can mind read. I know all about the "love the way he needs to be loved" routine. But this guy can't even pay her a compliment. She is in her late 40's, not 20's. When we were in our 20's, sure, we'd have no problem making sure that the guy was educated in how we wanted to be treated. Our mothers used to call it "training" him. In your late 40's you don't want to have to go through all of that again. He is old enough to know that he needs to pay a woman a compliment and if he doesn't know that by now, then throw him back to his mommy.

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