Dating Again -- Time to Break it Off?
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Dating Again -- Time to Break it Off?
| Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:40am |
Hello There! I am 49. I have been dating a man age 50 that I met online through eharmony since last May, we both were married previously. We both had met a number of people from the internet before meeting each other (after 2 mos of emailing) and hit it off from the start. We felt that there was long-term potential but we aren't in a hurry to live together or marry. We have tons of things in common, can finish each other's sentences and have very similar thoughts about many things. But there is one area that I am puzzled and hurt by. My friend will only call at 9:45 at night to chat for a few minutes. Doesn't email. He also seems unable to pay a compliment, has never brought flowers, cards or made other thoughtful gestures. Our time together is limited to one evening per weeknight and usually one week-end evening and most of Sunday. We both have activities and friends that we spend time with seperately. We've also met each other's friends, family, co-workers, etc. My biggest problem is that in my heart it just doesn't feel as though this relationship is as important to him as it is to me. I've discussed how his lack of afirming words/behaviors feels and his response is that this simply is the way he is. And another thing, I discovered a few weeks ago that his eharmony account was still active and he was receiving matches. I confronted him about it and he said he'd simply neglected to shut the account down. He said he loved me and loved the relationship and would close down the account immediately which I think he did. I guess my real difficulty is that I fell for this man and even though I'm not being treated the way I would like I'm having a hard time making a decision to terminate the relationship. Thanks.

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Sorry, but I will continue to disagree with pretty much everything you've stated. I see things differently, and that will not change.
Best,
~~.: Sandra :.~~
THe next thing, be a aware of dating web sites when your dating. Just be careful. and enjoy life.
P.S. I was walking into a mall this afternoon when an older gentleman stopped me saying "excuse me Miss", then looked embarrassed, and said "I'm not trying to flirt with you or be fresh but I wanted to tell you how much I like to see a woman wearing nice shoes instead of sneakers". I thanked him sweetly and thought how easy it is for even some strangers to make your day...that I believe must have been a god thing.
Snafu -- Sorry I confused you. The people who complimented my jacket, including the men, were people I've worked with for years, not strangers. I know from experience that women notice and compliment each other's clothing rather readily. A male co-worker who has no personal interest in you will only compliment your attire if he you look inordinately nice to him. That's why I expected that the BF would also compliment the jacket. I thought he would tend to like and notice what other men around his age liked and noticed...but he didn't. :o(
I did receive a compliment from an older man in a mall this afternoon but he was about 75 years old, by himself and appeared to be sincere and harmless. I haven't heard of these groups of men complimenting women for dark reasons -- yikes!
Babsie
Oh, that is entirely different. I am so sorry. I can see you were hoping that this guy might be someone special to you or at the least, have a special time with this guy. If a guy has been burned once too many times, sometimes they hold back on purpose. Reasons could vary, but what I have seen, sometimes they don't want to let the woman think that they feel as much as they feel, or hope to feel. So you may also want to consider that, as well, and consider whether or not you want to undertake such a project at this stage of your life.
Don't get me wrong, compliments are great, if they are sincere. Guys, in general, don't pay attention to our wardrobe, hair, things like that. In some cultures men do pay attention very much because a woman's appearance means everything to them.
Just a thought, men hate it when women read books, like "Mars and Venus" and try to apply to a relationship. Then it becomes work to them. Did you get that reaction from him? Just curious because this was a mistake I made in the past (only one time) and learned from that.
"As you've probably noticed I have broken off the relationship and intend to not second guess that decision." - good for you.
Hi Again Sanfu! Yes, I'm pretty clear on all the relationship books not being most men's favorite reading material. What I did was mention I'd read a book about love languages and briefly explained the concept and then I asked him if my scratching his back felt loving to him. Then I explained that I liked the physical touch aspect of it as well as hearing his appreciative comments.
Just to follow up on my saga...I feel as if a dark cloud lifted when I made the decision to end the relationship. Its become more apparent to me how many bad feelings I was experiencing and how the way I was dealing with them wasn't helping me. People talk about looking for 'red flags' when they meet someone new. It seems to me that the best 'red flags' are your feelings. I could have ended this much sooner if I'd chosen to believe my feelings were valid indicators of the health of the relationship.
Thanks again!
Babsie
Babsie, glad to hear about your cloud lifting! Always go with the gut. Sometimes our minds are filled with thoughts that haven't really made themselves clear, but the gut usually knows.
Men don't usually allow themselves to experience touch unless it is in a sexual way, so introducing this concept into your relationships will make you a big splash with men. I have used massage in this manner and men usually feel pampered by it and it makes for a great rest of the evening ;). I find that I can't do it too often though, it needs to stay a treat for them.
I was disappointed in the "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" book. Like all of these books somethings are right on the money and some things are very off. He didn't even get the female orgasm right. Not everyone responds to a circular motion and you have all of these women who do not know how to orgasm wondering if they will ever get it right one day. All because of a book.
"Heck, who are you hanging out with? Did you say you were in your 40's? I'm 47 and most of what you said about men has not been my experience, thankfully. Like attracts like. Have you seen The Secret? I highly recommend it. As Oprah says, what you focus on, expands."
I agree with you. I am soon to be 46, and am attracting more and more quality men, far more than when I was in my 20's or 30's. Why? Well, it took me until into my 40s to really start studying this Law of Attraction stuff. I used to be angry, thought all men were dogs, the good ones were all taken, etc. etc. Guess what? I attracted all the negativity I was putting out, with both men and women. The past few years, since reading excellent books such as Joseph Murphy's "The power of your subconscious mind" and "The Law of Attraction "by Sandra Anne Taylor, things gradually changed.
I used to think this was all hooey, but it is not. Just wish I'd learned sooner.
Now, I haven't fallen in love with any of these men I've attracted, but believe I am getting closer every day to meeting someone with whom I can share a committed relationship, perhaps marriage. The bonus is that I no longer attract losers, bores, jerks, or "playas" because I project an energy that lets them know they are not in my league.
Anyway, the OP should let this man know what her needs are in plain language;if he is still clueless or unwilling to at least try to meet her needs, I'd move on. Too often we women tell ourselves the pickings are slim after a certain age and settle for scraps for fear some guy is our "last chance." Me, I'd rather stay single than settle.
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