Dating Again -- Time to Break it Off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Dating Again -- Time to Break it Off?
28
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:40am
Hello There! I am 49. I have been dating a man age 50 that I met online through eharmony since last May, we both were married previously. We both had met a number of people from the internet before meeting each other (after 2 mos of emailing) and hit it off from the start. We felt that there was long-term potential but we aren't in a hurry to live together or marry. We have tons of things in common, can finish each other's sentences and have very similar thoughts about many things. But there is one area that I am puzzled and hurt by. My friend will only call at 9:45 at night to chat for a few minutes. Doesn't email. He also seems unable to pay a compliment, has never brought flowers, cards or made other thoughtful gestures. Our time together is limited to one evening per weeknight and usually one week-end evening and most of Sunday. We both have activities and friends that we spend time with seperately. We've also met each other's friends, family, co-workers, etc. My biggest problem is that in my heart it just doesn't feel as though this relationship is as important to him as it is to me. I've discussed how his lack of afirming words/behaviors feels and his response is that this simply is the way he is. And another thing, I discovered a few weeks ago that his eharmony account was still active and he was receiving matches. I confronted him about it and he said he'd simply neglected to shut the account down. He said he loved me and loved the relationship and would close down the account immediately which I think he did. I guess my real difficulty is that I fell for this man and even though I'm not being treated the way I would like I'm having a hard time making a decision to terminate the relationship. Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 6:53pm
Have you read or seen The Secret?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 7:38pm

"Have you read or seen The Secret? It's along the same lines"

Not yet, but I plan to. I really believe there is something to this, it is not just New Age "feel good" theory.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:24pm

He isn't giving you what you need. Does he envision the relationship ever possibly moving forward or will it always be in a holding pattern?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 1:24am
Dear Datedoyenne, Thanks for your input. We did have 4 lengthy phone conversations over the weekend. He obviously wanted to change my mind about breaking it off without actually having to make any changes himself. This is what got covered:
1) We both were feeling that the relationship had long-term potential
2) He would "try" to meet my needs for communication and connection which is what he has said on 4 prior occasions in this year long relationsihp but never actually does. He's feeling worried that he won't be able to pull it off.
3) I asked him if he would consider counseling and he said he'd have to think about it.
4) When I told him I wanted to see him more than the two evenings a week he said "what do you want?" in a sort of overwhelmed way.
5) Saturday evening I went to my profile on eHarmony (recall we are broken up) and noticed his profile is still up in my closed matches only he's changed the name of his town. I called him very, very, very upset and let him have it. Three weeks ago I confronted him about eHarmony and he said he was cancelling his membership and closing his profile. He never suggested anything different. On Saturday night in the midst of my upsetness he stated that although he'd tried to cancel the eHarmony account some glitch occurred and it hadn't actually got cancelled and then when we broke up he changed the name of his town so that I wouldn't be aware he was on the site. Yikes, its almost like breaking up with a 13 year old.
6) That was the final straw for me...his behavior is so odd and it bothers me because I really did think I knew him very well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 12:42pm
You did the right thing. I have learned from this too, if you have to have the conversation that you had with him, covering all of those items youlisted, then it is never going to work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 3:14pm
Yes, best of luck indeed
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 9:07am
I always have to ask myself... if it takes this much work, is it really worth it? A relationship takes work, yes... but it's two people working at it. Not just one!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 3:38pm
It takes courage to open your heart but the reward, if it's a good relationship, is worth it! Good luck
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