Dating and Drinking, Smoking, and Drugs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
Dating and Drinking, Smoking, and Drugs?
5
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 12:49am

Ever since elementary when I first was taught that drinking, smoking, and drugs were bad from the school system and my parents I NEVER have done it.

Once I had entered the dating scene way back when in high school I dated guys on and off and had relationships come and go. None of those guys ever drank, smoked, or done drugs except one who smoked weed behind my back but after him the other guys didnt do those things.

Then I met my most recent ex of 1 year ago he did drink BUT after talking to me and meeting me he stopped cold turkey never drinking again. Until he was hanging with his friends and fell back into it  after having us date for 2 years.

He dropped the bump and told me he was drinking behind my back I hated him for it because he broke the bond of how he stopped because of me, he had admired me and how I didn't do that stuff.

Now being single for 1 year I entered the dating scene again and have dated on and off yet again. I have wanted to date someone who is like me doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs, but every time I do find a guy who has these things they never talk to me or we never talk for a long time that they end up disppearing altogether.

So now this NEW guy and I have been talking on and off BUT he drinks and smokes socially sometimes but he says he will stop IF he has a good rational arugment as to why it is so BAD etc.

To me I think drinking, smoking, and drugs are all bad because of these reasons;

They make you violet, stupid, unhealthy, sick, addictive, addicting, addiction, emotionally distaught, just causes a lot of problems overall.

But what can I say that will get him to stop altogether?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001
Fri, 04-19-2013 - 9:40pm

You shouldn't try to change someone.  People change when and if they are ready.  If you can't accept him as he is, find someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 3:12am

Napy666-

Hi. A number of studies show that moderate drinking can improve health--particularly with imbibing red wine and its reservatol compounds. If he seems to be an alcoholic, you should stay away from him, but if he is a moderate drinker, I'd leave him alone on that. I'd also give other moderate drinkers a chance in the future.

Smoking is a different story. It is universally recognized as unhealthy--and detrimental to others nearby. However, people need to want to stop. I'm sure he has heard all the arguments before, but still chooses to smoke anyhow. I wouldn't try to persuade him, but it is perfectly reasonable IMO not to date smokers. Many non-smokers won't date smokers. I wouldn't when I was single.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 1:22am

  To answer you question; You won't.  If he wants to drink then that is his choice.  Many people drink but do not drink to get drunk.  For yourself, do as you please but do not demand that others be as you are/were.  It is more healthy to accept people for who they are than to try to change them.  It is your choice.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 10:55am

I tend to agree w/ Floridagirl on this one.  Of course there is no good reason to smoke ever:  lung cancer, heart disease, etc.  And most people don't smoke one cigarette here or there--they become addicted and then it's difficult to give up.  Drugs are also definitely not good for you and also illegal--I can't imagine any person who had to go to rehab to quit taking drugs saying that it was really a good thing for them to start taking drugs. But I don't think that all drinking of alcohol is terrible.  There's a big difference between a person who can go out & have a couple of drinks and someone who is an alcoholic or gets really drunk and out of control and I think it's kind of naive for you not to realize this, so I don't think there is much of a good logical argument you could come up with that says that all drinking of alcohol is bad.  But if you really don't want someone who does these things, then it's better to start off with someone who agrees with you rather than to expect someone to quit because you want them to.  People don't quit doing things they like & think are ok unless they want to do it. 

P.S.  I think it's pretty easy to find people who don't do drugs or smoke but not that easy to find men who don't drink any alcohol at all and who also aren't recovering alcoholics, which brings out other issues.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 8:37am

Where has this new guy been all his life that he needs a "rational argument" as to why these things are so bad? You know, of course, that you can't make anyone stop doing anything. If it's that important, then it's best for you to not date someone who does these things. 

That said, I don't smoke or do drugs, but I do enjoy wine, just not to excess. There is a difference between drinking heavily/alcoholism and occassional drinking, IMO. There are some studies that indicate light drinking is actually beneficial to health. But it's probably best to not drink at all. But again, if you have zero tolerance, then you should stick with that and not try to convince anyone.