dating blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
dating blues
3
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 2:39pm

Hello everyone,

It's been quite a time since I've posted on here. I had been dating someone over the summer but it ended in July. Since then have been taking a complete and total break from dating, focusing on myself and friends. Recently I met someone (through friends about 3 weeks ago) who I felt chemistry with.

We have gone on several dates, but the more time I'm around him, the more I feel it isn't right. I don't want to talk myself into ending something with real potential for superficial and small reasons, but I don't want to talk myself into sticking around in a situation that just isn't right for me. We haven't gotten intimate so it's not too complicated but it still feels tricky.

I don't have any real question or issue here to state. But just going through the whole process is so hard. Getting psyched up for getting to know someone, holding out hope that the connection will be a good one. And then that feeling hitting: that although like anyone they're not perfect, their imperfections seem unsurmountable and all I want to do is get away. It all just feels like such a let down, like I can't get it right. Maybe this is about getting clear on my own deal-breakers with dating? I'm not sure. I might invest too much in the initial feeling of chemistry, ...but I found in this case that chemistry can be fleeting.

Do any of you have advice or insight you could share?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luky4elle
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 3:05pm

I seem to recall that you have some commitment issues--you were involved with a c'phobe for years, right? One of the manifestations of someone who is attracted to men with commitment issues is that we tend to run away from men who are interested and available (or find them boring). Are you working on those issues in counseling? If so, I would work through this with your counselor before ending it. Because I deal with these issues also, I tend to bend over backwards to NOT run away--but just because someone is interested and available doesn't mean he's right for you, either. So I try to give a guy I like but am finding fault with enough dates to make sure we really aren't a good fit, as opposed to it being my commitment issues causing me to want to run. Does that make sense ;-)?

The other suggestion I have is to read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood (or something like that). She talks about how some of us can only feel passion with unavailable men and that available men just feel too boring. I don't know if that's something you grapple with or not but it's an issue for me, so I'm just throwing it out there as a suggestion.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
In reply to: luky4elle
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 3:18pm
Thanks. You understand this very well. I'm doing the same in giving him the benefit over my own committment issues and thus more dates. It's like I'm having this war with myself. I know these patterns well enough to get a sense of what's going on with me but need to work through this in counseling -- it's next on the incredibly-long agenda. But I don't want to stick around with someone who just isn't right for me and don't want to end it prematurely from my committment issues. To just be here, believe it or not, is growth for me. ;-)
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: luky4elle
Sun, 10-01-2006 - 3:30pm

Oh, I believe it, since I grapple with the same type of issues!

Unless you see something from this guy that is a clear dealbreaker, I would just keep seeing him for the time being--don't get physically involved yet and don't make any promises of exclusivity...just keep dating for another month or so (while talking about what about him bothers you in counseling at the same time as kind of a "reality check"). I think things will become clearer in time.

Sheri