Dating a Confirmed Bachelor-wait or run?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Dating a Confirmed Bachelor-wait or run?
6
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:10pm
I have been dating a "confirmed bachelor" on and off (moreso on)for about 10 months (I am 30, he is 53). He tells me that he loves me and wants a future with me and when we are together we get along very well. The only thing is he gets easily spooked (thinking I am "weaving" myself into his life)and then he drops everything and runs...A few weeks later he comes back telling me he loves and misses me and wants to try again. Recently, he dropped and ran again. We spoke and he said he wants to get some things "right" in his life (needs to work out some personal issues) and wants to talk again in about a month. He tells me that he loves me and has tremendous feelings for me....but I know I cannot sit around waiting for him forever. I know that the thought of him sharing his life with someone must scare him. His typical dating pattern is dating a woman here and there without commitment and then booting them aside....the only thing difference with me is that is that he keeps coming back. I think he means well and I think the world of him, but I do not want my patience to become a detriment. I cannot tell if he is just trying to push me off or if he really is trying to work through his commital problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:22pm
If someone told me they wanted time and would get back to me on our relationship in about a month, I'd respond with fine, if I'm available then we'll see. Then I'd start dating assuming I would not hear from him. Are you compatible in other ways? Do want the same things in life?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 4:31pm
Several issues play into factor here. Was he ever married before. If so, he might just be looking for a play date rather then someone to share his life with. He might not want to start the marriage and family over again.

Look at yourself. Are you his girlfriend or someone to pacify his time. What are you doing with yourself. Are you waiting around for him to sweep you off your feet. In that case you are wasting your time and letting years pass you by. Or is he a companion to you. Thats a different scenario then.

Girl you deserve more respect then, him walking in and out of your life whenever he feels like it. It all depends on if you are happpy. If you are so be it. But its quite obvious you are not because you wouldn't bring it up.

I think you have answered your own question. He is a confirmed bachelor and you need to move with your life.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 5:26pm
I think it would be foolish of you to sit and wait for this man -- 23 years your senior-- to decide whether he wants an adult relationship with you or not. You need to go on with your life, date others and stop putting your hopes in him. I agree with the other poster that you cannot allow this man to continue to pop in and out of your life. I don't know how you will ever be able to trust that if he comes back, he is coming back to stay.

As I have said on here before, I have a hard time believing the old line about a man being scared of commitment. It's usually that he simply does not wish to be committed or faithful to a particular person. But your friend may actually be a rare case of a commitment-phobe. I suspect this because it is very unusual for someone to be 53 and never to have had a longterm relationship. That does not bode well for him ever being able to settle down with YOU.

I really hope you begin dating others, and I hope you meet someone else who will show you how wonderful it is to be able to share a life with and depend on another person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 6:23pm
I can totally understand your situation. I dated a guy about 11 years older than me a few years back. He told me he loved me and would do anything for me but to make the next step in a relationship.... marriage. I dated him for 8 years and expected a bit more.

It took me a few months and support from my family to tell him to either we are going to go forward or separate. As you probably noted, he decided to go.

My advice is, make a decision and do it. If he isnt ready to settle, he will never be. I hate to sound so harsh but that's how I learned in dating men critters.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 10:52pm
I know someone who married a 'confirmed' bachelor. he wasn't so much confirmed as he was picky. My friend's been married to him for 25 years.

I just feel that there are many things going wrong...I think that by letting him come and go as he pleases is setting up a very bad precident to your relationship. You are conveying the message that anything goes, that he CAN leave and you'll wait for him.

I feel that the guy I'm with should be exactly like I like him to be...if I keep wishing he were different, then it's not such a great deal. Somethings are not important like he doesn't open doors for me...but somethings are not negotiable...like he wants to be with me. To me, I wouldn't be feeling very confident that even if he were to decide to be a couple, that he has the relationship skills required? It sounds like he's been avoiding relationships for a very, very long time. Once I met a very kind, sexy man...and at 36 his longest relationship had lasted 1.5 years. That's it? No marriage, no live in? I didn't think that was a very good track record. There's a famous Texan on TV says that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:32am
I had an uncle once, who supposedly loved his then girlfriend. They were together for 15 years. He kept on promising but never committed to anything. She was by his side, hoping he would commit one day when he is ready. Well after 15 years of dating her. He left her and married someone else he had met. He married the second woman after about 6 months of dating. Yes, our family was upset with him. For what he did was not right. But the woman was at fault too, for not standing up for herself and put her foot down instead of being walked all over. Women have to take charge of themselves and their lives. If you are with someone you have the righ to demand to move on to the next level. If the man doesn't want to be more commital(SP?) he is entitled too his decision. But you have the right to know instead of being dragged around and being treated like a doormat.

Good luck!!