Dating a Depressed Person

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Dating a Depressed Person
3
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:48pm

I was diagnosed as bipolar about a year and a half ago. I was put on some medicines that I still take as of today. However, I just went to a new doctor a few days ago and learned that my medicine has been ineffective and not the "correct" choices for my illness were he the one who had written my original prescriptions. He suggested that I see a psychiatrist to get my medications sorted out again and he upped the dosage to one of the medicines I take and wants to gradually increase it some more once I get use to the dosage I am currently taking.

Now my point to this whole thing is I met a truly awesome guy back in June. I had been really depressed and just down on life at that point. I had just moved back home a few months prior due to a bad relationship going south and having a miscarriage on top of that.

The first time we met, we went to dinner at a local restaurant. We talked for hours. We literally closed the restaurant down. lol We dicussed everything from our previous marriages and past relationships. We had so many things in common for being two completely different people. He is 35 and I am 27.

A friend of mine called in the middle of dinner and invited me out to a bar to see a friend's band the next night (Friday). I felt obligated to invite him to come along. Surprisingly, he agreed. We all went together and had a great time. He didn't tell me until later that he had NEVER been to a bar before. I felt totally bad for "corrupting" him. He began rubbing my shoulders at one point during the night and I jokingly told him he had better stop before I fell in love. He asked back if that would be a bad thing. Shortly after that, we shared our first kiss.

He ended up staying the night with me and just held me all night. Nothing happened. We talked for a while and just fell asleep in each others' arms. The next day he stated that he hated to leave and ended up staying all day and again that night. It wasn't until Sunday evening that I had to force him to leave to go to work. He's a truck driver and he should have left WAY before then to get started. At one point, I jokingly asked him if he was going to tell me he loved me already. He kind of laughed and just said no.

Well we talked and e-mailed all that following week. I told him that I thought I was in falling love with him and felt things that I thought were too early to be feeling and he said he felt the same and that he wanted to take me on a weekend trip just the two of us for the 4th of July. I thought he was crazy, but agreed since I thought it would be fun. We decided up going to Niagara Falls. He wanted to go there, but I wasn't too crazy on the idea. However, we compromised and did my mystery dinner in Pittsburgh, PA and then went on to Niagara Falls. It was the best weekend we have ever had. He stayed the night with me before we left and ended up telling me that he wanted to wait until Niagara and we were standing looking out at the falls to tell me that he loved me. but he wasn't able to wait any longer. I asked him not to say it, but he did. He told me loved me. I said I loved him too.

The weekend was so much fun and we loved being together, he asked me to go on a work trip with him. So I did. I quit my job and went with him. Crazy, I know!! We had sooo much fun. He told me that I made him so happy and he that all he ever wanted was someone to take interest in him and what he does. That he was the luckiest man alive to have found me. After we got back, he asked me to move in. After only knowing and dating each other for two weeks! But everything felt so right and was moving quickly, I agreed.

That's when it started going down hill. I suffer from a fear of abandonment. He is also in the National Guard and had to go on his two week exercise out of town and left me in a new house all alone. I started panicking thinking maybe I should move back home and told him just that. He said I broke his heart and that I hurt him really bad when I said that.

Then I met his 12 y/o autistic daughter. She spent the weekend with us. I had never been a big fans of kids. I could only tolerate my then 3 yr old nephew for a few hours at a time. Now I am thrown into the role of "stepmom" totally unprepared. She acts out for attention and b/c daddy isn't there all the time, he lets her get away with murder. I made the mistake of saying after that weekend, I didn't like kids and I didn't like his daughter. That maybe I should just move back home.

Needless to say after that, he kept getting angry at me over stupid things (talking on instant messenger, texting on my phone and hanging out with my friends). He says that he feels that when you are with someone everyone else shouldn't matter. You shouldn't feel the need to be with anyone else or care what anyone else is doing. I can see his view to a point.

However, at the same time, his ex wife is STILL totally in the picture. They have been divorced for 4 yrs now and he calls her all kinds of horrible names and claims that they are over and he can't stand her. Yet he constantly repeats storie of talking to her back to me, reads her text msgs to me and has totally let her character assassinate me.

Between July and now, I have been kicked out 3 times for various stupid things. Previously that week, I had viewed his text msgs and saw were he had been texting with other women while we were broken up and trying to work it out. One woman he said he was joking with when he asked her to marry him. Then I see texts from his ex where it looks like he was leading her on and talking about their past sex life. He even got drunk one night after we had a fight and I moved out and asked her back. He said that the next day he told her that he didn't really mean it. That he was just drunk.

The last time I was kicked out was b/c I called his daughter to talk and his ex wife answered the phone. I ended up talking to her for 2 1/2 hrs. We share the same illness and we were discussing Joe, their relationship, their daughter and we even discussed our illness and the medications and therapies were are taking and had taken in the past. All this started b/c I asked her what to get their daughter for Christmas.

Up to this point, talking to or meeting his ex was totally taboo. He freaked out and went off the deep end about it and demanded I get out of his house. So I did. She and I kept texting and talking and she invited me down to meet me and go out. I took her up on that idea. So I went to meet her and went out with her. I stayed over night and helped her move the next day, we took their daughter to see Santa at the mall, see the Christmas lights in the park and then to dinner. After that I went home. He was irate over that. He was demanding that she tell me to go back home, not to come, etc.

What his problem with her is, that she is a complete liar. She twists your words to make her into the victim. She uses anything she can against you, even their daughter. She left him for another woman. She had him sent to jail for false accusations of child molestation. They had tried to work it out numerous times in the last 4 yrs and she kept leaving to go back to the woman. The last time they tried to work it out was just a few months before I came into the picture. His sister was the one who told me that I walked into the middle of a mess that been going on for years and there doesn't seem to be and end in sight.

Now, having met the ex, I know who the rumor starter in the family is. She gets their daughter to say things just so she has a reason to contact him. At least the visits, go smoother now since their daughter doesn't have to hide that she loves me when she's at home. We're allowed to talk and text when she is at home. She tells me she loves me openly in front of her mom now.

It's just that when he and I have an argument, I lash out. I yell, scream, cry and try to force you to talk to me. He, on the other hand, is the stonewaller. He doesn't wantt to talk to you until he calms down and has time to think things over. He will not answer my calls, return my texts, nothing. My anxiety and fear of abandonment kick in and I text him to death until I get a response from him. Usually I just end up pissing him off and he tells me to get out of the house. Then he'll calm down, think things over and want to work things out.

My family totally disapproves of the way he treats me. I talked him into going to my nephew's b-day party on the 7th since my sister, nieces, nephew and grandma came in from St. Louis and I wanted him to meet them. A friend of mine's daughter goes to preschool with my nephew and she was telling me about her husband (an ex bf of mine) was arrested the night before and I should make fun of him. Well, I explained to my current guy what my relationship was to them. Needless to say, he wasn't thrilled and I wasn't thinking when she told me he was outside. I told him I was going to go talk to him and I'd be right back and left him sitting at the table with my family.

But prior to this, we had his daughter over the new year's eve weekend and his ex wife went out to celebrate. He was totally hung up on getting her to admit she went out and with who. Apparently he went as far as talking to one of her friends to find out what she did and who she was with and then told me all about it.

Next thing I know, he's standing beside me while I am talking to my friend about his arrest. I was teasing my guy on the way that he was jealous. He said that he felt he had left no choice but to come out since my family hates him and he was my ex. He said that he was just "marking his territory".

I lashed out at him again yesterday. He was suppose to be home Friday night and I got a text saying that he was just going to stay in his truck at the factory b/c he had a safety meeting the next morning and told me to snuggle with the computer. Something about that comment me rubbed me the wrong way. I woke up yesterday with the guy feeling to jump ship while I still can. All my horoscopes said to listen to my gut and one even said that everything on the surface may seem fine, but to dig deeper and resolve any issues.

I just want outside opinions on this situation. His daughter called me yesterday and said that daddy was far away and with another friend. Granted, now he didn't come home Friday night and it is now Sat afternoon and I still haven't heard from him. No calls, no texts, no nothing. I sent texts just going off about how he cares more about what his ex does and who she does it with than he cares about our own. That he didn't even have the decency to tell me that he left for another trip. He wouldn't answer my calls or my texts and that you just don't do that to someone you love. I said I was leaving. That I could live this way anymore. He finally sent me a text back saying he was unavailable to talk right now. Busy fighting a storm and that I am to call today to talk. I called twice and he didn't answer. So I sent more and more texts. Still no reply.

I sent him one saying that I wouldn't do anything until he gets home and we can talk. That I know how we operate and he just needs time and I didn't meant to say that I wanted to leave when I don't. That my depression has taken over and when his daughter told me that he was cheating, I felt back in my old situation. That I felt like a stupid, lonely dog waiting for someone to come home.

I even think about suicide. I attempted it once last year by swallowing my bottle of sleeping pills. Thank God it didn't work and I recovered. But feeling the way I did yesterday, I was thinking about it again. The sad part, is I was worried when my body would be found and if my blood would stain the new tub we just put in. Not to mention the fact that I cannot tolerate pain, so there is no way I could harm myself that way.

Is it just my depression, is it causing my situation or am I just in a bad situation altogether? I am taking a larger dosage of my medicine but it takes 4-6 weeks to take full effect. I told him that if we have survived my illness and stupidity this long, what's a few more weeks for better results. What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 9:03pm

Hi and welcome to the board... I'm sorry you're visiting us under these circumstances though.


Either way you shake it hon, you're in an unhealty relationship and it's taking two to keep it going. The longer you stay in this, the longer it will be to your detriment. The fact that you're posting says a lot... listen to your instincts and get out.


After this, I think it may be time to take a step back and re-evaluate what's going on with your life and where it's leading. Sometimes we all need a wake up call and this may be it for you.


Hope this helps and hope you stick around to share your progress...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 11:37am

<< Is it just my depression, is it causing my situation or am I just in a bad situation altogether? >>

Are you in counseling, seeing a therapist? If not, you really should strongly consider it.

The bottom line is: you are in a bad situation. However, you must also take responsiblity for CHOOSING that situation. You chose to move in with someone you barely knew. The people we choose in our lives are a direct reflection of US, of our values, our beliefs, etc. And, when we chose to align with someone without knowing what the other person's values, beliefs, goals, needs, etc are ... all we are doing is dishonoring and not acknowledging our OWN values, beliefs, goals, needs, etc.

A person who is practicing self-responsiblity will not find him/herself making these types of choices and decisions without a) having defined those things within him/herself and b) knowing what the other person stands for. What his values, beliefs, goals, etc are.

When you get to a point in your life where you are making solid, sound decisions based on what you KNOW about you, based on what you want in your life ... and you live your life within the boundaries that you maintain for yourself ... rather than making choices and decisions based on "how this feels" ... you will find yourself free of these SITUATIONS.

This siuation exists because you chose it with very little knowledge or information about this man, his values, his lifestyle, nothing. It was all about "how you make me feel" and very little to do with anything REAL or factual.

<< I am taking a larger dosage of my medicine but it takes 4-6 weeks to take full effect. I told him that if we have survived my illness and stupidity this long, what's a few more weeks for better results. What do you think?

I have a friend who has had bipolar disorder for YEARS and has been on medication for years. However, the illness does not negatively affect his life by means of seeking out unhealthy situations or relationships. In fact, very few people even know about it.

My point is, you CAN have a healthy and productive life, free of drama and "situations" ... your illness does not choose these things for you ... you do! The medications taking effect are not going to make the wrong man into the RIGHT man for you.

The bottom line is, the relationship isn't working because you guys didn't really even KNOW each other when you made it into a relationship. You didn't take the time to really get to know each other. Now you are both backpeddling, trying to make it work ... when in fact, if you had both taken the time to get to KNOW each other, you probalby never would have moved in together. But, you moved in together after only a couple weeks and THEN got to know each other.

You can see how that's just a *little* backwards in approach, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:55pm

Your story is huge and almost not worthy of just a post hear on the board. Hopefully you have a strong support system, friends, family etc. as well as a therapist.

The initial thing that strikes me about your story is that you say you have abandonment issues. But, what pops out to me is that you seem to jump into or out of things without thinking them through. For instance, moving in with this guy after 2 weeks. That was not enough time to get to know him, his life, his kids, his ex, his story etc. Also, like how you quit your job. Listening to your gut is one thing...thinking things through is another. the abandonment complex would go away, if your decisions were made differently.

so, you can treat the abandonment issues...or you can treat your decision making. You know how sometimes if you take one medication, it creates another symptom that needs another medication to eradicate it? So you end up taking two meds instead of just changing the first med you were taking? Don't treat symptoms...go for the cause.

Why do you want a guy you "kicks" you out? Dump him , his sorry ex-wife and kid and spend some time alone, treat your life and yourself differently and maybe life, and others will treat you differently in return. Don't ever quit your job for a guy. Your financial security is far more important.

Good luck.