Is dating different in your 30's?
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| Sat, 01-06-2007 - 12:47pm |
I met this guy at a party and we went to dinner on our first date. We had a great time and talked mostly about how we both love 80's music. I felt at times as if I was talking to my girl friends. We have so much in common and were telling each other concert stories. He offered to drive me home (we met at a bar near my apt. first) and then emailed me the next day to say he had a great time and thought I was prettier in person than my pictures. FYI: he just gave me a hug goodbye.
The day after he called and invited himself to my apartment. He said he would bring pizza (my apt. bldg is right near a pizzeria) and then we'd chill. I was kind of shocked. Whatever happened to the movies or dinner again? Maybe I am old fashioned. So I told my friends and they were like "That's what we do in our 30's." Are they right?
Now remember: I said he didnt' kiss me on the first date. So we were watching tv for a while after the pizza and he completely threw himself on top of me and started kissing me. I felt like a teenager. I mean, I always thought the first kiss was supposed to be slow and gentle, not like foreplay kind of kisses. Then he proceeded to touch me as if it WAS foreplay! We're both 31, but still....
I couldn't help but consent to his sexual advances because as soon as he gave me the first kiss like that and started touching me like that, I KNEW he wasn't into a SERIOUS relationship. Well, maybe I made the mistake of saying yes because now he invited himself over to my apt. again. I won't dare ask you if I did anything wrong, but do you really think he likes me for me?
Has this happened to anyone? Thanks.

Oh, my gosh, your friends need to date different guys!!! That is *ridiculous* to say "this is what it's like dating in your 30s"!!!! If anything, the hangout date is more of college/20-something thing because they don't have any money, LOL.
He's looking primarily for a hookup, it sounds like. That's not inconsistent with "liking you for you" but unless you're looking for a casual fling type relationship, I'd cut things off with this guy...or at least let him know that you'd like to go out rather than meet at your apt again (although I think you'd be wasting your time if you're looking for something more than sex).
Sheri
Hanging out with a guy you're dating and hanging out as a date are two different things. It sounds like this guy just wants to have a casual thing with you. Does he like you for you? Who knows? I don't know if you can say enough time was spent together where he got to know you for you. The fact that you're here asking tells me that you may feel the same way.
Really it comes down to what you're comfortable with. If you're ok with having a fling, then go for it. But if not, then keep it out of your apartment. He couldn't have gotten into your apartment if you put your foot down so now the ball is really in your court.
Keep us posted.
OH yeah..sure did and I totally blew the guy off. Here's the story:
Met the guy online...we chatted for about a month or so before our first meeting. This guys sounded like what every woman would want and very sincere. we decided to meet up for coffee. God he was so nervous, to the point all he could talk about was things he liked and just kept saying god your so much prettier in person. Kept apologizing for saying it. But the problem was he was just came across as insecure! He really did seem like a nice guy......but hmm I like a man with SOME confidence and it was definitely lacking! After coffee...I just kinda said ok..well maybe he was just really nervous and decided to give it another shot. Well being an idiot..he came over to my house a week or so later...he didn't stay long..but we were just sitting on the couch talking...and then he looked at me and asked me if he could kiss me. I thought that it was nice of him to ask first, and of course I said yes. Well let me tell you...I so thought he was going to jump my bones. He got so damn excited..and just wouldn't stop. I literally had to push him away. Don't get me wrong, I truly wasn't in any harm (I'm 100%) sure of that. He stopped and apologized and said he just couldn't help himself...basically after about 1/2 after he left. I then e-mailed him and said...hmm things going a little too fast and just not sure it would work out. Heard from him a couple more times but then haven't since...THANK GOD! I truly think he was a nice guy..but there was no chemistry (on my part anyway) and hmm he seemed a little too eager. I don't think this is the norm though..I do think that the follow up dates, to dinner and movies..is still the thing to do..and most guys do do that.
First of all I disagree by what your friends deemed as "that's what we do in our 30's".
I have found with online dating especially that there are two types of guys the ones that understand dating and take you out, dinner, movies etc. and those that rush right into the lazy, comfortable hang out at my apartment or yours answer to dating.
It has nothing to do with age and everything to do with being lazy and not wanting to put in the effort and wanting to get into your pants.
Smile,
Deirdre
Thanks for your replies. I have no idea why my friends told me that it's ok for 30 yr olds to do that.
I think I'm going to have a casual fling with this guy because I really had only one boyfriend and it didn't last long. I was 25 and it lasted 3 months (he was my first). So, to this day, at 31 yrs of age, I still don't know what good sex is like. I posted this yesterday also:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&msg=19565.1&ctx=0
Even now I have a friend with benefits in a rock tribute band. He is selfish so I am clueless on what good sex is. Please don't think I am a groupie. I met him a short while after I broke up with my BF and he came on really strong. All he said was "You know I live 5 minutes from here." I was shocked. Apparently the band was playing someplace far from us so my friends and I were staying at a hotel that night. I thought he was a sleeze so I was like "Umm, no, are you crazy? I'm here with my friends and can't leave them." So then he siad, "Call me when they fall asleep and you'll be back before they wake up."
Can you beleive that? I did not like him, however, he was cute and had the long hair like an 80's rock star, .... after all it was a tribute band and the members have to look like the real people, but I still said no (my girl friends and I met through the fan club of the REAL 80's band). We all continued to see this tribute band play a few times (they finally played closer to us). So later on I developed a crush on another member of the band and was heartbroken when I saw him with someone else. I started flirting with the sleeze who originally hit on me to distract my broken heart.
And now, 5 years later...here I am, still single, and trying to date and find the right guy. I see my FWB very rarely because he lives an hour away. I've had a few dates but I'm just picky. Why can't I find a guy who has the same level of education that I have? This garbage man really liked me. I thought about it and no longer believed education had to be a factor of the guys I dated, but he works 6 am to 3 on Saturdays. Who wants to be woken up at 6 on a Satruday after working 9-5 all week? It's also hard to meet guys because I don't really go out as often. I have very few friends. :( My life is messed up.
After I graduated high school I attended a 2 year business school because my grades weren't that great in HS and I didn't participate in anything. My friends and I were into the 80's rock scene. It was mostly a commuter school and I lived 20 minutes away, however my dad insisted I lived in the dorms because he didnt' want me to drive.....20 minutes! He did the same thing to my sis, her college was close to mine except hers was a good 4 yr college, so she had the normal college life. I did manage to make one friend from my area and we kept in touch after graduation, but it didn't last long.
So I lived in the dorms and became friends with the international students. They went back to Europe and Japan after graduation, so I really had no friends to go out with and meet guys. After high school graduation I kept in touch with only one friend because my grade school friends got caught up in drinking at 13 years old. I drank with them until our junior yr, but then they turned to pot. I couldn't be their friend anymore after my help to make them stop was to no avail (and of course my parents didn't like them when they came to my house and hang out because they wore the leather jackets and looked like metalheads). I liked rock music, too, but didn't dress like that.
I felt bad for not being their friend anymore but I knew it would turn to crack or something worse. My prediction was partially right because I bumped into one of them at my business school. She was taking a course at night and told me one of them got arrested for drug posession.
I did manage to transfer to a 4 year college after working full time for a year and this time my dad let me drive. I was maybe 21 or 22 but was a sophomore because my credits from the business school didnt' get transferred. I felt out of place sitting in class with 18 year olds so I didn't make friends there either.