Dating the disabled
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| Wed, 01-24-2007 - 7:32pm |
I hope you ladies don't a man posting here but I felt this was a good place to come to seek out advice from some objective women. I am 49 and have been in a wheelchair due to a spinal cord injury since I was 21. In that time I have dated some and, like everyone else, there's been good and bad. Still, in 28 years I have yet to find a woman who is willing to get truly serious in a relationship with me. Further, I am now on my third, and final, attempt at using an on-line dating site. In my first 2 attempts I did not mention in my profile I was disabled. I felt if someone would get to know me the chair would not matter. The response was the opposite. As soon as I revealed that every contact I made broke off ccommunication. This time I chose to include all in my profile and no one has responded.
What frustrates me is that of the 4 or 5 disabled women I know all have met and married a man since they were injured. Of the 7 or 8 men I know none have. One is dating a woman for over a year now and 2 others were already married at the time they were injured.
I am a fairly good looking man (or so I've been told by female friends), well educated with both a BBA and MBA and now in the process of becoming a tax accountant. I feel I have a lot to offer someone.
Anyway, to finally get to my question: Is it really that hard for women to get involved with a man in a wheelchair? Or since I can't do all the 'men's chores' etc am I destined to be alone?
Thanks for your input!

Welcome to the site, we actually have a number of men who posted regularly on various Ivillage boards.
I think that your best chance of finding a woman who will see past the chair is to get to know people in person (rather than online dating) so they can see your good qualities and also exactly to what degree you being in a wheelchair affects your life. So getting involved in activities you enjoy that also attract single women would be a good idea.
I don't think that the fact you can't do chores is what's stopping women from responding. I know for myself, it would be the fear that we would be unable to do the things that I enjoy together. So I probably would not respond to someone online who was in a wheelchair because I lead a fairly active lifestyle and, correctly or not, I would assume that you would not be able to do many of the things I enjoy with me. However, if I were to meet you at, say, the local film festival planning committee or volunteer meeting, and get to know you through that, I might find out that my fears were groundless.
Sheri
Thanks for the reply Sheri. I understand what you are saying. As I'm not into the bar scene I've begun looking for local social gatherings that interest me. This time of year I don't get out as much as I do hate cold weather! Where's summer when you need it!? Anyway, you gave me some food for thought. I guess my thoughts re online dating is that it is a safe way to try and get to know me (as best they can). I have no qualms answering questions honestly about my disability and what I can and cannot do. That way someone would be be able to decide if they wanted to meet me. I tried and there is no harm in that.
Thanks again,
Andy
Oh you are speaking my language!! I had spinal cord surgery due to a ruptured disc in 2001. I have limited use of my legs and walk with a cane. I am a single woman and have had the hardest time making men understand that I am still the same person. I have somewhat given up knowing if there is someone who can understand they will come along but all the men on the online sites want someone active. Now in the same breath I was always open and still am to all types of men. I am a firm believer that we are more than just our "shells" if you will. But very few people agree with me. They are either concerned with what their friends and family will think or they stick strictly with who they are attracted to and not open to all sorts of people. The most unlikely candidate makes life exciting and new.
I hope you find the perfect woman and she treats you like the King you are.
Good Luck!!
Kiki
Hi there, I'll tell you my story...well my brother's actually...
He is a bi-lateral above the knee amputee since he was two yrs old. He has been married now for 6 yrs to a woman that I set him up with and has a 4yo son. At first my friend was leary of meetingg him, but once she did she completely was at ease with his disability. He uses a chair all the time and doesn't wear prosthetics.
My brother is active, plays sports, hunts, fishes, travels...etc...he has never let his disability affect his living. His attitude is.."if you don't like me...who cares?"
My sister has had two LTR with paraplegics: one lasting 2 yrs, and the other 5yrs. My family has always been comfortable around differences for obvious reasons.
Now, I met a guy for coffee...turns out he lost his arm in an accident. He didn't tell me, because he said that he didn't know how I'd take it. I was a bit put off...not because he was an amp, but because I felt deceived. I had asked for a pic several times, and now know that this is the reason why I didn't get it. I told him that I would not not have dated him because of his arm, but that he needed to let pple know because it may make some pple uncomfortable..it was like an elephant being in the middle of the room...y'know?
By the way, i am plus sized..and it would be like me neglecting to mention that when i went ona date with someone...they're bound to notice...
My advice for you is to date IRL. Meet ppl at events, sports, volunteer places...etc...get involved with the disabled community...not that I'm saying date a disabled person, but there are many pple involved in this community that would be more comfortable and would know the myths surrounding the disabled...KWIM?
Just my 2cents
I am so sorry that it's been so hard to you to find the love you seek. and the answer to your question is that there are plenty of women out there who would be happy to share your life. so I guess my answer is just keep trying as many different avenues as you can - online (and there are lots of specialized sites for singles, do some googling) perhaps groups you belong to, people you know.... Can you network around?
I wish things were easier but you obviously have determination and spirit so please try not to be too discouraged with your initial forays in to the online dating world. She is out there and looking for you
Thanks Keri...sounds like lots of such experiences at your end. Maybe if all else fails you can be my matchmaker too! j/k But thanks again for the suggestions.
Andy
Andy, Yahoo Personals just "fixed me up" with a disabled man, and I found his whole approach very clever. He didn't mention in his profile that he was disabled, instead he talked about all of the things he likes to do, many of them being physical activities. Then when I clicked on his pictures, he made sure to have one of him in his wheelchair.
I am out of his dating age range, so I didn't respond, but I was very impressed by his profile!
Take care, keep your chin up!
Chick