A Dating Dummy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
A Dating Dummy
6
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:11am
I have been dating this guy off and on for about 7 months. He's a great guy and we have so much fun together and I feel really comfortable with him. He's good-looking and he's a doctor too so tons of girls throw themselves at him especially b/c we're in a small town. I'm not bad-looking either and I'm in law school right now so I get my share of guys however, I feel a real connection with this guy. It got hard when he moved and so we're trying to do the whole long distance thing. He drives me crazy with his behavior because I can never read if he's really into me or not. Sometimes he calles me incessantly and can't wait to be w/ me. Other times he says he doesn't want to talk to me and doesn't want to see me and thinks we should take some time apart, but then calls the next day. He says that he thinks he's ready for a commitment but I don't know sometimes. We talked recently and he says that he's trying to cut back on how often he talks to me b/c he's scared of being in a relationship with me for fear of messing up and me not being in his life anymore. He tells me that he wants me to know how special I am b/c he lets me sleep w/ him and kisses me. Apparently allowing a girl to sleep in bed w/ him and kissing someone is much more special than just having sex w/ someone. He said he's only let his ex and me sleep w/ him. I recently found out that he still keeps in contact with his ex though claims that he would not get back w/ her even if she asked him to. He plays these mind games where he wants me to call him instead of him calling me. I admit I play the games too so I don't call. He's just used to having girls fall all over him, and I'm not that type of girl that wiill go out of my way to pursue a guy. I really do like him though b/c we get along so well and he has a good heart. I just don't know if I should continue to keep talking to him or just cut my losses now. I can't tell if he really likes me and is just scared to commit, or if he's not really interested. I don't know what to think about his ex either. Somebody help me out cuz I am kinda a relationship moron. I hate talking about my feelings and often let my pride get in the way. I'm desperate for advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
In reply to: meltwig
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:29am
It sounds like your guy is insecure. He has these expectation of you calling all of the time or falling all over him, because he needs constant reassurance. Reassure him in other ways. Make sure that he knows how you care about him in all of the ways you described here. Maybe even talk about these expectations and let him know that you have your own way of showing that you care. If he says he is ready for a committment, you should take the chance on him. It seems like before he was confused probably because it was long distance. He may not have been sure if the long distance would work and because he requires a lot of reassurance and attention it was probably hard not having someone physically there all of the time. But, if he has taken time to get himself to together and realize he wants to be with, you should trust him. It would also reassure him if you make plans to live in the same area in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: meltwig
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:17pm
Thanks for the reply! He does need alot of attention. Unfortunately, I don't have alot of time. I make every effort possible to talk to him, but I'm still in school and I have 2 yrs left. He just started his own practice and wants to move back, but can't for another year. I don't know what to think about the whole ex-girlfriend thing either. He said they still talk and I know that she wants him back so I dont' know how I should handle that and if I should be insecure about it or not. I do worry b/c she's willing to move to where he is and will do anything to be w/ him. She's one of those poeple who will do watever to marry a doctor. I can't be there for him all the time and give him the attention that he needs so badly. So I'm restricted...so frustrating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: meltwig
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 7:04pm
I think being upfront and honest is the best. If you want more of a commitment from him, then ask him for one. The worst he can say is no, and then you decide if you're willing to stay with that, or move on.

Or, you can ask him where he sees the relationship going. If he's totally avoiding the subject and can't give a straight answer, then I would take that as he's not wanting more.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
In reply to: meltwig
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 8:15pm

Mind games and inconsistency.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: meltwig
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:28am
The mind games do bother me alot. I've told him and his reply is that he wants "to feel wanted and that I want to pursue him" I'm old fashioned and I don't want to be the pursuer. He's used to being pursued, but I'm not really into that. We had a talk recently and he said that he doesn't know about pursuing a relationship w/ me b/c he doesn't want to mess up and me not talk to him anymore b/c he's been a bad bf in the past. Do ya'll think that's just a line to nicely say that he doesn't really want to go on? But, if he doesn't then why call and fly to see me every other weekend. That just seems like a big waste of time. I go to school in a really small town where there's nothing to do so not like it's exactly super fun. It can't be just for sex cuz we don't have it every time, and he could just get it where he's at anyhow. He drives me crazy! I'm usually in control when it comes to guys. With this guy he just baffles me. I don't know if he's just flaky and doesn't know what he wants, or just a big player.

Another thing is his mother calls me all the time. Just to check up on me and see how everything is doing. She tells me she really likes him w/ me b/c he's been so much more responsible. He tells her that he respects me so much and that he listens to me when I tell him to do things, and he doesn't really know why b/c he doesn't listen to others. He's such a momma's boy so I thought if his mother likes me so much then I'm in...Unfortunately seems like she likes me more than he does sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
In reply to: meltwig
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 3:57am
meltwig...

u know one thing that my guy friends have taught me is that u can't make logic out of an inlogical situation. to me, he just sounds confused himself so you are not going to be able to understand him.

but you know, i'm the same way...i try to make logic out of these stupid little confusing things that guys do...and sometimes u can't. and i also come full of pride..maybe too much. sometimes i just want to ask what are their intentions!? my advice to you, (which is easier said then done) is to approach him of this. say it's fine if he doesn't want to be with u right now but don't say one thing one minute and something different the next. that just confuses u...and leads u both on an unneccessary ride. (i'm in a very similar situation as u at the moment)

~jayjay