dating an ex?
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| Fri, 04-27-2007 - 10:47am |
I am 26 years old and recently am in the process of seperating from my husband of 1.5 years. For lots of reasons, it wasn't working out for either of us on ANY level.(no quality time, no attention, no sex, no future plans...) It felt like we just really had no connection between us and were lying to ourselves the whole time we were together. I honestly think I married him while in the throes of a rebound relationship with him. The man I was dating previously (seriously) 4 years ago I had ended up breaking up with because I thought I wasn't ready to settle down yet, and wanted to party endlessly, and the new guy gave me that adventure...and that was all. We ended up getting married and I finally admitted to myself my true feelings for this man were that I had none. As soon as I told him I was moving out we both were relieved and it's been "all business" ever since.
Making a long story short, I moved home to my mother's and I find out my ex boyfriend who had been saving up for an engagement ring until I dumped him quite coldly, has been desperately trying to get my family to let him know where I was living, and what I was doing becuse he has wanted to talk to me ever since I left. They didnt want to get involved, and all had felt I had made a mistake in marrying someone else, cause they all knew how me and my ex had loved eachother. ( I left him because I thought I wasn't ready for marriage yet, and rather than talking to him about it, I got scared and took off.)
I knew none of this and had just become accustomed to missing him everyday since we broke up, whether I admitted it or not, I thought about him EVERYDAY. Even the day I married someone else, I wore his sapphire ring he gave me on my right hand. It's pathetic I know. I should have tried to say something sooner about how I was still feeling...but I thought I had to try to get over it.
Anyway, I found out through my sister in law that he had been trying to contact me for years and I went to his work and left him my phone number and he called that night.
Turns out, he bought a house about 60 miles away from me and had a girlfriend living with him, but he was in the process of breaking up with her, cause he just wasn't feeling anything for her. He said he knew we had made a mistake the day we broke up but didn't know how to make it work. Me either.
He said he saw a picture of me at my brother's wedding and how sad I looked and it all came rushing back to him about how special I was to him once and honestly he was still in love with me after all these years. He has been keeping busy with friends and work trying to keep his mind off of our old relationship. He said our two years together were the best two years of his entire life and he missed me everyday.
He never spent any time at home because he just couldn't stand being around his girlfriend. Same as me, since I was working extra hours at work rather than fight with my husband.
We both apologized and admitted past mistakes, and forgave eachother for any nasty comments thrown at each way back then during that rough time, and I found out I still have HUGE feelings for him as well. I still love him too. It feels so good to say that outloud, you know? :)
My question is: Can this ever work out? In my heart I feel like I came home from a long trip or woke from a bad dream. This man means the world to me and I feel like I have my other half again. I feel complete and soooooo very happy. I haven't been MYSELf since I left him. I tried to be someone I'm not, and I found out that doesn't work, I'd been miserable, ask any of my friends or family. I'm a bad liar, I guess.
We talk everything out now and don't hide anything, and I feel like since "growing up" and trying to move on with someone else or with out him and realizing that it won't work, I FINALLY know what kind of man and relationship I want and its my sweetie.
We have an amazing connection and tons of chemistry and he's the only guy I have EVER felt the whole "butterflies in the stomach thing" for... I know it's corny. Do these things really happen in real life where you find you are still crazy about someone from YEARS ago and it is just meant to be? It just feels so surreal. Is communication THAT important that it will just keep bringing us closer, and maybe we can be happy together again for the future? Is there anything else we can work on besides making sure we keep talking to help us stay the course together?

I think this is great. I generally don't get back together with exes because if I broke up with them it is because they did something to make me understand that they are not right for me. You, on the other hand, broke up with this guy because you sensed it getting too serious too early in life for you.
"Do these things really happen in real life where you find you are still crazy about someone from YEARS ago and it is just meant to be?" - yes
"It just feels so surreal. Is communication THAT important that it will just keep bringing us closer, and maybe we can be happy together again for the future?" - yes
"Is there anything else we can work on besides making sure we keep talking to help us stay the course together?" - yes - make sure you both are on the same page with each other in terms of goals, dreams, plans and certain types of ethical situations. One of the biggest eye openers, just from being married and divorced twice, is that when people are in love they don't stop to think about "rules" or the ways in which they were raised and how it impacts how they handle things in the future. For instance, let's say you get married and have kids. Who does the diapering? Who stays up with the kid at 3 am? When someone is sick, how do you handle it? Are you the type to want to be left alone when you are sick or do you want company? Do you both have the same definitions of cheating? It is strange things like that that could blind side you later.
Also, expectations shift from lover to boyfriend to husband. Get to know your expectations. I know that I had different expectations of my husband than a boyfriend in terms of what they contribute to my life and our relationship. An example: my second ex husband liked to drink alcohol - don't alot of us? While we were dating and working at the same company, it wasn't a problem. If he got a DUI, that was HIS problem, not mine. We didn't live together prior to marriage. Once we were married I got to see how much more of a problem his drinking was (like how he couldnt clean the house each week without downing beers) and once we bought a business together I unfortunately realized that he could and would get a DUI and risk our financial security. I asked him to cut back while we were out to avoid a DUI and he refused,saying that he actually drives safer while drunk. I was shocked at the time because he presents himself as very responsible. He had a more intimate relationship with the bottle than with me. Because I saw he didn't care about himself or his business, it did contribute to our divorce and my lack of respect for him.
Thank you for your encouragement! It really feels RIGHT.
We've both been so sad and lonely in our past relationships, it was wonderful to discover that we brought out the best in eachother only after a few dates still. We never even had to discuss what made us each unhappy in the other relationships, becuse it was the same for both of us, it's weird.
The two of us definately are like minded and on the same path in regards to buying a home, and having a family someday. It almost seems the "details" will be an interesting aspect to work out between us, since our upbringings were very different in life. I had both parents, he never had a mother in his life, she died when he was only an infant. We both are very responsible, hard working people who like to work on projects together, almost anything. Neither of us is the jealous/suspicious type who needs to control the other and have elaborate plans together EVERY night.
It sounds so cliche, but its the truth. I have heard so many people say opposites attract, and it may be a bit intriguing at first, but I have found out first hand that if you have NOTHING in common except drinking and partying, there's NOTHING more in your life. I'd rather experience life with someone who understands me and loves me for who I am then have to keep jumping through hoops explaining my actions and every thought to death day after day.
I honestly thought I'd never have the chance to even talk to him again after leaving, but now here we are together again, it's a gift, this second chance.
Thank you for your advice and I will keep it in mind as we move forward together.
You say "details". Hmmmm, while you say "details" please keep in mind the following and you'll see it is not just details but important. Take a common scenario (like sick rules): hubby gets sick and while maybe you were raised to "walk it off" he was raised by a doting mother who coddle him every chance she could. Hubby doesn't understand why you don't care about him. You expect him to walk it off. He may squawk about it for a minute and you look "huh?" at him in bed, "oh, do you want me to bring you something?" He starts to think you don't care as much as you say you do - because if you did, then you would KNOW that it is important to dote on him when he is sick - like a mind reader. He doesn't make too big a deal out of it, but, when the moment is right and you really have a "thing" about remembering anniversary dates, he will "oops" forget a date and you then begin to feel he is not romantic anymore. And the battle begins. This situation usually snowballs over years and in the end a couple has no idea why they started this war to begin with.
Understanding each others history, mind set, values, eccentricities and how it affects their expectations of a significant other is important to avoiding trouble in the future.
"it's a gift, this second chance" - enjoy!