dating an ex's friend
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dating an ex's friend
| Fri, 05-12-2006 - 6:33pm |
A few months ago, I left my fiance. He turned out to be emotionally and physically abusive and had a drug and alcohol problem, among several other things that made him out to be a complete loser. Not long after I split,(when I say I split that means he wouldn't let go but I did.) Some friends of mine kind of set me up with a mutual friend of theirs. I actually knew the guy, he was friends with my ex. The new guy(we'll call him James)and the ex(we'll call him Brian) NOT their real names! Well James had actually hung out and slept on our couch a few times.James is a real sweetheart and kind,he has a college education and a great job. Unlike Brian he does not do drugs, rarely drinks and has never been in a mental hospital. James knows what happened with Brian, our friends told him about everything from the abuse to the guns in my face. I really like James and have been going out with him for 7 months or so now. Him and Brian aren't friends anymore because of me and he is fine with that. He says that they weren't that good of friends and the biggest reason he ever hung out with Brian when we were together was because he had a crush on me. James says he loves me and wants to be with me forever. He has even moved me half way across the country and helps pay my tuition and everything. He pays for everything because he thinks I should just focus on my schoolwork. He's great. Well I guess what my question is, Is becoming engaged to the very next guy you start dating after a relationship like my last a good idea? And, does anyone think I am completely awful for dating my ex's friend and busting up that friendship? Which I didn't mean to do, and I told James that I didn't want to ruin their friendship. He said he didn't care, and that I am worth losing that friend over. I really think that James could be the One. But I am worried that I might be making a mistake because of how we met and all that I have been through. I am just confused.

<< And, does anyone think I am completely awful for dating my ex's friend and busting up that friendship?>>
Admittedly, James said he and Brian weren't THAT good of friends and the only reason he hung out with Brian as much as he did was because he had a crush on you. So, if anyone is responsible for busting up their friendship, it's James, not you. I wouldn't feel too bad about that.
<< Well I guess what my question is, Is becoming engaged to the very next guy you start dating after a relationship like my last a good idea? >>
If your relationship with James is solid and feels like it's going somewhere ... then, go with it. Don't fight it. So long as you had the clarity and healing you needed from your past relationship, then no ... I don't think that James is destined to be your transitional guy. It's a matter of knowing that you learned what you needed to learn from you last relationship and have the tools and resources within yourself to not repeat past mistakes.
I'd be concerned if James was another Brian ... that would mean that you're looking to attract yourself to guys who "need help" ... but, sounds like he's quite the opposite of Brian. Therefore, you're not seeking another Brian via James ... as long as your lessons were learned from the Brian relationship, I dont' see a problem with the next person you become involved with being a serious relationship.
The only potential problem here I see is << James knows what happened with Brian, our friends told him about everything from the abuse to the guns in my face.>> and << He has even moved me half way across the country and helps pay my tuition and everything. He pays for everything because he thinks I should just focus on my schoolwork. He's great. >>
To the first point, I'd just want to be sure that James isn't/hasn't aligned with you because he's a "caretaker" and wanted to come to your rescue. Some people have the "need to be needed" which is line with many symptoms of a codependent giver. Be careful of letting him do TOO MUCH for you ... it can create an imbalance in your relationship ... which leads me to ....
The second point ... he's paying for EVERYTHING! Hon, codependent givers love to enable ... and enabling isn't helping. Enabling is doing for others what they could and should be doing for themselves. While his paying for your tuition and everything is nice, what its not is YOU taking responsiblity for YOUR debts and responsiblities. What if you guys do break up, do you have a plan in tact for paying him back? What you don't want to become is indebted to him and dependent on him, ok?
Usually, a codependent dynamic exists in an addict/enabler environment. However, it can exist outside of addictions. While you're not an addict (like Brian), you are allowing James to enable you by doing things for you that you could and should be doing for yourself. If I were you, I'd change this arrangement and start paying your own bills. That is the responsible thing to do.
In your past relationship, you probably did some enabling of your own with Brian ... doing for him what he should have been doing for himself ... in this relationship, you're allowing James to do for you what you should be doing for yourself (ie, paying your tuition) ... so, in essence, you've reversed roles. Break that cycle and do what you need to be doing for YOU. It doesn't matter that he wants to pay your bills (of course he does, if he's codependent and wants to "rescue you") ... what you need to do is NOT allow yourself to be dependent on him, ok? It has a high chance of backfiring later. Look into financial aid, grants, scholarships, etc ... it's important that you stand on your own two feet ... explain to James that while appreciate his wanting to pay, that it is your responsiblity to pay your tuition and that you don't want to create an environment where you're indebted to him.
When I said he pays for everything that was an overstatement. He helps pay my tuition and books, but I can pay them myself. I recieve money everymonth from the VA and DAV. I do pay my own bills and debts. He just pays for everything else. Thanks for the advice.