Dating a Friend...Advise Needed...long

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2006
Dating a Friend...Advise Needed...long
1
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 5:49pm

Hi Everyone,

I am a fan of iVillage and come around when I get the time, but brandnew to the board.

Ok here is my story:

Let me give you background first.

I have known J for 16 years - to give perspective I am 26. We have be the closest bestest friends the whole time. You know someone it feels like you have known your WHOLE life. We were friends through school and college etc. We were both late bloomers and didnt start seriously dating until the end of high school. We stayed best friends through broken hearts and failed marriages (mine) etc. Well I am now a single mom of three. He was engaged and she broke it off ugly. So incredibly long story short it has been almost 3 years since either of us have been in a relationship. We have both dated, but he says he never finds what he is looking for and once guys hear I am a mother of three well I need an egg timer to count how fast they are out the door. So we have begun to spend more and more time together. Everyone assumes we are "together" and when they find that we are not the bagger us silly to find out why the heck not. He is a great guy, sweet and kind and I think the last real gentleman. We are both fantastic flirts and have flirted well together forever, we are both the kind of people that will flirt with a napkin without thinking about it. So this whole time we didnt think anything about our friendship....well at least I didnt.

We chat daily so two weeks ago he brings up how his new friends at the bar thought I was the best girlfriend. The next think I know we are discussing dating (for hours). I wigged! It honestly had never ever crossed my mind! So I told him I would need time to absorb this new idea. Well we had a movie date the next night that we kept. He kissed me good night WOW I mean WOW...so 45 minutes later I leave the parking lot of the movie theater thinking um ok wow I can do this. When I get passed the fact that I have known him forever and never thought about dating him...it makes sense. He was raised by a single mom and he thinks my kids are the greatest thing next to slice bread. So for me that is a huge hurtle already crossed. So we chat the next day and he says he is sorry for putting me in such a bad position, he doesnt know what he wants or what he doesnt want and he has put me in a situation of "stalemate limbo" and so I should just think of it as a one night stand. I get really hurt and log off the chat for a bit(all I said to him was ok). When I get back on later that afternoon he said he didnt mean for it to sound like never he just meant we will see. So we are tabling the idea. (his idea to table I voted to take it slow).

He left the next day (a week ago today) for a business trip out of the country and wont be back until next friday. I leave to take my kids on vacation next saturday. So I wont see or talk to him for a total of 3 weeks. I really miss him.

So my question after all of that is what the heck do I do when we are both in same zip code again? Do I play it off like a fluke? Is he even interested? I hate that I would never have thought like this if he hadnt had brought it up. Why Why Why would he bring it up and then say nevermind?

Help Please any advise would be great!

Delicate

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 6:33pm

By his reaction to the kissing thing and such and his response of "he doesnt know what he wants or what he doesnt want and he has put me in a situation of "stalemate limbo" and so I should just think of it as a one night stand" it seems to me that he's afraid of going to next stage as a "couple" with a committment to each other and ALL the responsabilities that come with it. He may be confussed as well.

In your place I'd talk to him on how bad his comment hurt you, after all you've been friends for 16 years so you have the openess to talk about it. If you're trying to find out if you're two fit to date comments like this cannot be left without addressing them. They will affect you on the long run and silence is not the way to go. The fact that he brought dating up should not be the reason for you to to date him. If you don't feel attracted to him in that way and want to keep the friendship then don't date him. He won't be hurt, as he's confussed himself. It's best to keep a good friend than trying dating him for the wrong reason and ending up lossing him.