Dating a genius

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-1998
Dating a genius
7
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 7:51pm

I just started dating a very intelligent man about three weeks ago. He is a physicist and never had to find a job. Essentially, they found him. In any case we get along great and have fun together, but I can't help but feel a bit insecure about not being on the same level as him. I consider myself to be of average intelligence. I have a graduate degree and come from an educated, cultured family but on some level I feel bad that I might never be able to contribute to his physics discussions or other discussions related to his work. I'm horrible at math.

I can sense that he likes me and enjoys hanging out with me but there's a part of me that keeps saying "what if he figures me out?" or maybe, I'll just never satisfy him on that level. I hate having this insecurity. Is this normal?

B

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
In reply to: brookita
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 9:21pm
I would try looking at it from a different perspective, ...I mean, it might be that one of the things he values about your interactions is the fact that he isn't surrounded by his work and gets to relate with a different part of himself. Someone who is on that level intellectually with their work probably welcomes (and needs) a different level of relating. I would try to view it as a 'positive'. That said, even if you're not a physicist, you can probably relate to issues he deals with that are common to all fields of academia by drawing on your own experiences in graduate school. I think it's natural to feel overwhelmed by/in awe of someone with that level of intellect and at times insecure. Someone once told me that there are different types of 'currency' -- some have intellect, some money, some good looks, some a combination of things...I think any can be very powerful in big doses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: brookita
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 11:30am

Hi brookita!

Pianoguy would like to ask you two questions:

"Has this man ever thrown his IQ in your face?" and "Has he ever called you STUPID?"

If the answer is "NO" on both questions....stop looking for problems and enjoy the man's company.

Men seek women out (irregardless of their IQ's) because they provide "the missing puzzle pieces!" These include providing a hug, the ability to understand and accept us when we're having a lousy day, to accept us when our health isn't 100% and especially...giving us UNCONDITIONAL LOVE---whether we think we need it or not!

Feel better now?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: brookita
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 11:45am
Pianoguy is right. Most men I know like to leave their work at the office. Look upon dating him as you would dating anyone else. Have you ever dated a guy in a different field than you and didn't know much about his field? These relationships survive everyday. So enjoy!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: brookita
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 2:46pm

Hi Brookita,

My father was a physicist and an awesomely intelligent man. And I never recall him ever trying to engage my mother in an in-depth conversation about his work, even though my mom is also quite smart and well-educated. If he did talk about a project it would come up almost accidentally... like he would start rhapsodizing about the "fun" of a particular equation (or something), but he didn't really care or expect any of us to understand what he was talking about!

I don't know what conversational habits your new friend has, but if he's like my dad was, he doesn't usually go into details about physics with laypeople. After dealing with that heavy stuff all day, your friend is probably more than glad to hang up his scholar hat and just be a guy when he's with you. On the other hand, the fact that you also are a post-grad probably played a part in his decision to date you... it means he can comfortably talk about his education and work, without worrying that he's too far "above" you.

What you've got to determine is whether you like this man or not. You get to choose him just like he chooses you. Is he interesting? Is he kind? Is he funny? Is he exciting, physically and intellectually? Are you two at ease when you're together, or are you struggling to find common ground? Does he talk over your head? Does he refer to himself as a GENIUS? THAT would be pretty hard for anyone to take.

But if you think you've got an otherwise wonderful guy and you're getting along well, then the hangup is YOURS. You've got to relax and always remember you've got your own accomplishments to be proud of and a value EQUAL to his or anybody's. Go ahead and talk about YOUR life and your interests. If he's worth your time, he will be interested in YOU and what you're sharing, but he'll also be eager to find things you can talk about comfortably together.

Good luck, and let us know how things are going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
In reply to: brookita
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 11:33pm

I agree with what everyone else has already said, but I'd like to add from another perspective.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: brookita
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 1:52pm
All I can think of is "So?" If there's not a problem, don't go looking for one, and in every human relationship there's an imbalance -- one's more intelligent than the other; one's in better shape than the other; one's more social than the other; one's more confident than the other; one's more insecure than the other; one's better at math than the other; one's better at writing than the other; one drives better than the other; one excels at golf while the other excels at swimming. It's something we all have to adapt to. Also, if he's that bright, he's had to go through his whole live dealing with people less intelligent than he, and I'm sure he's gotten along and made friendships with lots of them. If you're getting along, just go with the flow and don't worry about his IQ. It's not that big a deal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
In reply to: brookita
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 1:16am
I think this is an amazing opportunity and an exciting relationship possibility. Think if you were both physicists. It is inevitable things would become competitive, and that is the worst thing to happen in a relationship. So, enjoy this, learn and have a great time. Don't worry about it too much!