Dating a guy with a "girlfriend"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Dating a guy with a "girlfriend"
12
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 11:49am
So I met this guy a month ago and instantly liked him, as he did of me. The night I met him I found out he had a girlfriend, a little shocked but went on with my life and didn't think about him again (as soon as I find out that soemone's got a girlfriend I become turned off right away). Well the next weekend we ran into each other and he said he had asked about me during the week and was very excited to see me and got my number so we could hang out. He told me his girlefriend had just graduated from college and moved to another state and they had only been dating about 2 months and that they had decided not to be compeltely together. So, I have taken that as being kind of a wasted relationship and obviously he wasn't taking it too seriously.

He has definitely been the pursuer in this relationship and we have spent a lot of time together in the few weeks I have known him. Apparently major kissing sessions and hanging out with his friends and also alone isn't making him feel guilty about 'cheating' on this girl, but the one time we slept together did.

He came over the other night to tell me that his girlfriend was coming to town for the weekend and he is really torn and feels really guilty about sleeping with me, but not regretful in the least. He likes her a lot, but also really likes me. He doesn't know what to do. I guess my question is to find out if anyone has any good plans of action I should take. And even though I don't really think I would ever have a real future with this guy, I hate losing, at anything. My feeling is that when she leaves again and they have decided to stay together (for whatever reason) I will still be here and she will not and he will want to see me and hang out...but I shouldn't do that since I am attracted to him a lot and might actually become quite attached. Any tips would be good...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:12pm

Guilty but not regretful?

Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:23pm
Good point...

He was feeling guilty because he has never cheated on a girlfriend, and I definitely believe that. And I honestly have problems with cheaters, I am big on fidelity. But because this girlfriend and he have only dated a couple of months and he has been hanging out with me and everything, then I have felt that he isn't very into this girl.

I think he feels like maybe he shouldn't have had sex with me while still dating this girl who he doesn't ever see since she lives like 6 hours away, but doesn't regret that we had sex. I am glad he has talked to me about it. I guess I don't want to lose the opportunity of spending time with someone I like and am attracted to. That's part of the problem, I am very attracted to him. I know, this all sounds very ridiculous and I just need to call him up and tell him to have a great time with the girlfriend this weekend and to not call me and that it was nice getting to know him. Much safer for me:)emotionally.

Ugh...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:31pm
You are making the right choice.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:40pm
Have you been dating a long time? I feel the same way, I am never optimistic about cheaters changing and such. But for some reason with this guy and this scenario I didn't feel like he really is attached, emotionally or otherwise, to this girl.

This could all be a moot point after he decides to stay with her, despite the fact he likes me a lot and I am here and available. I don't think dating someone for two months is really that stong of a bond, I wouldn't even start calling someone my boyfriend after that. I met his girlfriend the first night I met him, very weird body language. I could tell right away there wasn't much there, before I knew the story. He doesn't really see it as cheating I guess, because I think that she decided she wanted to be free to do what she wants. Whatever, I am either with someone or not. She's a lot younger than I am. I am 28, she's 21, and he's 25.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 12:46pm

I guess I just dont share well....lol.


We have been together only four months....our bond is extremely strong however.

Lilypie Baby Days

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:14pm
Who cares how "into" her he is??? That's SO not the point. The point is, what is he TELLING her and what sort of agreements/commitments do they have between them? Is he lying to her or behaving in a way that is deceitful or contrary to their understanding?

In any event, I would break things off and ask him to get in touch with you if and only if he breaks up with his gf...but I'd have big doubts about his integrity and character.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 3:02pm
<<<>>.

***All cheaters say that, somehow it gets easier for them the more they get under their belt

<<>>

***hmmm but yet you keep dating him can’t be that big on it

<<>>

***That’s just your way of justifying that he is a cheater. Just because they haven’t been going out long doesn’t negate the fact he cheated

<<>>

*** No actually he doesn’t regret having sex with you, who cares how far away she lives, if he doesn’t want to be with her there is the phone, break it off…nice excuse he gave though…you seem to be falling for it so its obviously working

<<<>>>

***The same words are spoken by women who have affairs with married men….it’s an excuse to continue doing what your doing without taking responsibility for it. Make sure you recognize your part in all this.

My advice to you, IS recognize that if he cheats on you, you aren’t getting any big “prize” by winning him, you will have “won” a known cheater…I’d have to ask how trusting you would be with him when he’s out of your sight. I doubt very much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 3:08pm
I think wendie makes a good point. You "hate losing" but winning and losing all depends on your perspective and goals. If you're just looking to win any guy who shows you attention, no matter what his character, then go for it and continue on this same path. I personally would consider it to be myself that was losing to do that. Because you know there's no real future here and it's just a bit of fun. You know he's sleeping with others and you seem to regard that as a challenge instead of as a turn off (again, that's you losing in the long run if that's your outlook). "Winning" to me is making wise choices that lead me to something in life that's worthwhile and lasts (and that also can be fun, exciting and passionate BTW). "Losing" to me is making poor choices that lead me to short term feelings, roller coaster rides and getting nowhere in the long run, physically, mentally and spiritually. But that's just me.

Also, I hope you use condoms. I know so many people who have ended up with STDs, HIV or AIDs after saying "nothing will happen to me" or not even giving their sexual lifestyle much thought. You have sex not only with the person you're in bed with, but everyone else they have slept with and everyone else those people have slept with. There's no possible way you can know that they are all healthy. Be careful and don't trust your health (and life) to anyone else. Protect yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 3:14pm
i think you're flattered that this guy with a girlfriend is pursuing you.

i think you get a thrill over thinking that you'll "win" him.

and you think he's being honest with you?

i don't *think* so. he's getting laid.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:01pm
You hate to lose? Then why are you dating a guy like this? To me, that IS losing. I love when people say things about what they'd never do or what they know someone else would never do. Never say never. Nobody knows what they'd do for certain in any given situation until it happens to them. That's the test of what a person is made of. When it does happen, THEN you know what you'd do or not do or what another person would do or not do. The situation presented itself in your life and now you know what you'd do and now you know what he'd do -- you'd both cheat. You've done it and are doing it and are contemplating continuing with it. Forget all the reasoning and justifications for it. Blah blah blah. Your personal integrity was tested and now you know what you're both made of. "Fidelity is important to me." Honey, those are just words. If they were true, you would not be dating this guy. Period.

If you're fine with it then that's your business and good luck. If not, then do something to change it so that when you look in the mirror you can see a person who feels really good about the choices she's making, instead of guilt, regret or doubt.

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