Dating a Legally Married Man

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Dating a Legally Married Man
5
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:00am
I have been casually dating a guy for about 2 months. He recently broke the news to me that he was part of an arranged marriage and has been legally married for 3 years. He is helping a lady get her citzenship and married her for that purpose. He explained to me that it is all business and they never had a relationship (he said they never even kissed) Her family paid him a couple of thousand dollars to marry her. He used the money he was paid to pay off his school loans. Since she is established in this country now, they are expecting to get a divorce in 3 more years. Her family has paid and is paying for everything. By the way, she lives in another state. After he told me all this, he asked if I hate his guts. I actually don't have any emotional feelings for him (thank God!), but we have common hobbies and careers. He still calls me to go out on dates, but now I feel uncomfortable going out with him now that I know he is married. Lately I've been very aloof with him. He reassured me that he and his 'wife' have no type of relationship. However they do have a joint bank account which I found out that he has been using money from this account to pay for our dates! (and I know she makes more money than him so she is probably paying for our dates!) He doesn't see anything wrong with this, but I do! This all makes me question his integrity. (Not to be arrogant but I think that he may start falling in love with me.) I just don't know where to draw the line. Do you think I should remain friends with this legally married guy or drop him like a bad habit?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 7:43am

This guy not only is married, but if the marriage is false, he's broken a whole bunch of laws. On top of things, he's very proud of what he has done. This is not somebody with whom you want to be associated.

No, I don't think you should have any contact with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:34pm

IMO, the whole "green card" marriage thing would be too much baggage for me. I'd rather travel lighter than that.

If this was your best friend, and she was in your situation, what would you tell her? What would your opinion of this be, if it wasn't you?

Honestly, you already know what your standard is ... you know << where to draw the line >> ... it's just that, when you're IN IT, people don't always think as clearly for themselves as they would for others. Be your own best friend and take whatever advice and/or opinions you would give a friend.

As for him, << He recently broke the news to me that he was part of an arranged marriage and has been legally married for 3 years. >>

Dumped! Sorry, but he would have been d-u-m-p-e-d immediately for withholding that type of info for 2 months. IMO, it's pretty deceiptful to keep something that big from someone you've been seeing for 2 months.

Secondly, when he married for money, he knew what he was getting himself into. That is, that it could have a serious affect on his personal life and relationships while he's "legally married." So, he has to own that choice. Which means, being straight with a woman about it MUCH sooner than 2 months into seeing each other. I could understand not saying anythign on the first date, since at that point, you're pretty much just establishing whether or not you'd want to see this person again. But, within a date or two after that would have been appropriate. Anything less than that is not giving the other person enough info to make an informed decision.

Lastly, and this is just semantics but ... << he was part of an arranged marriage and has been legally married for 3 years. He is helping a lady get her citzenship and married her for that purpose. >> ... a green card/citizenship marriage is NOT the same as an arranged marriage. He had a choice and he made the choice to marry her. In that regard, it was not arranged. It was not out of his control.

Also, <>

This is most likely for INS purposes. Bank accounts, tax returns, etc. She probably gets some mail at his home to show residency? In case of an audit or an INS check.

In any case, what he is doing is considered fraud. You do realize that, right?

<< Since she is established in this country now, they are expecting to get a divorce in 3 more years.>>

If she's established now, why will it take another 3 years for the divorce? Actually, you needn't concern yourself with that ... you've only been seeing him 2 months, and IMO, you don't need this. There are plenty of guys out there with less complications. But, it's up to you to know what you deserve.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:20pm
Eeek!
Drop him like a bad habit. It didn't sound like you were all that interested in him.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:28pm

The lack of ethics in this situation would bother me too much to even be friends with the guy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:54pm
Since you feel uncomfortable with it and don't have much emotional attachment to him and don't seem to have a high opinion of him perhaps you should get out now.
,
,