dating a man with a kid

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
dating a man with a kid
4
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 8:24pm
Hi -

I just got out of a terrible relationship (with a pothead / alcoholic) and am now dating a man who seems to be wonderful. He may not be, b/c my most recent comparison was so awful, but I think we have a lot in common. The only thing holding me back is that he has a child. She is 14 months old, and lives with her mother about 2 hours away. He sees her on weekends.

I think he's great and I don't want to give up the chance to get to know him better and see where this goes, but I also want to come first in someone's life. If he has a child, she should come first in his life (if she didn't, I'd definitely be gone). I should also mention that the desire to have children has not yet come to me, although it may one day (I'm only 29)...Any ideas of what I should do?

Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 8:46pm
I dated a guy for 3 years that had a little girl. He was a jerk but she was precious and the breakup wouldn't have been so rough on me if it hadn't been for her.

First, loving a child and loving a significant other are two different things. Yes, she will come first but only because he is obligated to her. He is her daddy. If things get serious between the two of you he will make time to be with you. However, you cannot be jealous of a father's love for his child.

I realize this more now that I am divorced with one child. I am obligated to my child and couldn't imagine life without him. However, there is a void in my life. I would love to meet someone that would not hold it against me just because I have a living responsibility.

Give the guy a chance. If you two get serious you will be a priority. You are just going to have to learn to bend a little when it comes to his daughter. You might just fall in love with her too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 8:55pm
I know you're right. Good men are hard to find, and I should welcome this opportunity instead of shun it. I just wasn't expecting to find her when I found him. I have a lot of good friends who have stepparents though, so someone must have taken a chance on them too. Thanks for your sanity. Part of growing up is looking your stereotypes in face and seeing something more. He introduced her to me today, which made me feel that she is very lucky to have a dad like him; I bet a lot of men would try to hide that they had kids at first. And she was adorable, so you're right - I might just fall in love with her too. Thanks again, monkeygirl6
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:08pm
Just take things slow. If he is introducing you to his child, he obviously isn't keeping you away to be with her. That is a big step. I'm sure he has enough room in his heart for both of you. You will just tug at different ends of it.

I wish you luck and hope things work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 10:45pm
As a single guy with kids, albeit much older, may I shed some light on how things may progress for him (and you).

His daughter will be his #1 priority, especially when she is there. You will be his #1 ADULT in his life, whether she is there or not. He will look to you to help with "girl stuff" so that you will have an opportunity to build a bond with his daughter. You have a great opportunity to be her positive role model in life and a guide to be a great and successful young lady. This role is very different from being a mom, but is just as valuable.

On the days that the daughter is not there, there is plenty of time to enjoy adult-based things. When she is there, activities will be centered around the daughter - but there are all sorts of fun and interesting things to do.

It can be a delicate balance and you will have to compromise on time and activities. The rewards though can be awesome, especially if you embrace the role as a positive role model and guide.