Dating a married man

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Dating a married man
10
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:14pm
I have been dating a married man for almost 3 years now. He stopped having sex with his wife and stopped everything else with her a little over 2 years ago. She knows about us and she said that is why she won't leave. They have 2 small kids together. There relationship ended long before he and I actually got together though. He said she lied about everything and he is tired of it. He met her online but didn't get to know her very well because her profile and everything she told him was a lie. He won't just put her out of his house (he had before they married) because she will lie to the kids about it and turn them against him. He also said he can't afford to just let her have the house because he owes to much on it. He said if he knew for a fact that he would get the kids, then he would kick her out. The judges in this state though are for the mom no matter what.

I just don't know how much longer I can't wait. When I tell him that he says if I really love him I will wait for him. The kids are too young to wait on them to grow up to the age of understanding divorce.

When I do try to get away from him, he doesn't leave me alone.

I am ready for my own husband and more kids. I have 2 boys now, but I would like to have at least one more. He is also older than me and he really probably wouldn't be able to see the child grow up if I keep waiting.

He also tells me no one will love me as much as he does. i have asked several people about this and of course they tell me to get out of the relationship, but that is easier said than done. I knew better than to go out with a married man but I thought if something was bad enough at home for him to be looking then they would be divorced soon.....boy was I wrong.

She is looking on a dating service he said but she is still there so I guess she hasn't found anyone yet.

Thanks for listening to me and I hope you can help me out soon. I think I am going crazy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:28pm
This is not a dating question, it's an ending an affair question. Please check out the board that is about having affairs. You will probably find the support you are looking for on that board. This board is generally not tolerant of 'dating' married people, just to warn you.

And yes, you should most definitely dump him. Easier said than done, but you have the ability to do it so go ahead and get it over with. He is probably lying to you about her being all bad and him being such a saint. After all, he has been cheating on his wife and unwilling to be with you for 3 years! Divorce and relationship failures are generally not one-sided.

These kind of situations never work out. You won't be okay until you leave him and move on. Don't keep contact with him at all. You owe it to yourself and your children do to this.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:39pm
Thanks for answering me so fast. I guess I really knew what everyone would say. I just wish I could type the whole story. He has to know where I am at all times and everything I do. I really don't know what he is up to at all times, even though he says he tells me everything.

Well sorry to keep dragging on, I know you said this wasn't the right place for this.....sorry.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:44pm
He sounds very controlling. Maybe his wife hasn't moved out because he has to know where she is at all times and everything she does. And if he lets her go he will loose that control over her. He doesn't have to leave her to have control over you, obviously, so he's getting everything he wants. The problem is you are loosing out on the chance at a real relationship with someone that loves AND respects you.

Go to the affairs board, you can tell them the whole sordid story. You'll feel better, but don't let anything stop you from making the decision you KNOW in your heart is right. Get out of this relationship tomorrow.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:51pm
Thanks again. I did put it in the affair one like you said.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 7:29am
Let's see - you're having an affair (married people don't date) with a man who married someone based on an online profile and he never checked out whether she was lying - if it's true, he's pathetic given the internet and all sorts of background checks available and if he's lying - which he is good at since he lied to his wife about you for a long time - then you're in love with a pathological liar. Charming.

maybe do this for your sons - do you want them to grow up thinking that they can just go for someone who is married and do their best to be homewreckers, or cheat on their wives with the excuse that they were lied to back when they married them? Nice role model you're presenting. And yes they know, or will know as they grow up.

Even if he leaves his wife he will cheat on you the second he gets a little bored - after all without all the sneaking around what will there to be excite him - do you really think he wants to settle into domestic bliss with you - he might as long as he has another "you" around to have sex with. It will be a lovely life for you, I'm sure.

It's about choices - you chose to get involved - and until you accept responsibility for that you will play the little victim - and you can choose to leave - you just don't care how this is affecting your kids, his kids and his wife - so long as the sex is good and you get that cloud nine feeling, that is all that matters to you - I am positive you want to be able to look yourself in the mirror and have your sons regain respect in you - that should be a motivator.

The affair boards might be more supportive than this board. good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 7:32am
I think the issue here is that you think that the more to the story justifies your behavior. He is a married father. He is cheating on his wife with you. You just admitted you don't trust him completely.

If you keep trying to layer on details to justify or explain - to yourself - you will never leave - keep it simple and basic - they all say they will leave, right - watch the feet not the lips.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:18am
WARNING! WARNING!: If a man cheats on his wife with you, he will cheat on you with somebody else. An old saying yet sooo true.

I do not care if she lied to him about her history or anything else for that matter. He married her!! Why are you wasting your time with him. He wants a wife and lust mate (that being you!). Don't you deserve better than this? Please ask yourself this a lot of times!! He is stringing you along and having a ball doing it. He says he loves you? Gurl please! He is lying. Love is not struggle,betrayal, lies, pain or suffering. They must not be options in your life at all! The lines he uses like (I am staying for the children, the house, the finances and so forth and so on are typical lines which he uses to say, I am dependent on this woman to stay.) He said they do not have sex; do you actually believe that BS? The procreated 2 small kids together, if not that, then was it Artificial Insemination? I do not think so.

If his intentions are true blue, then he would leave the situation and move forward. Apparently, she is not that bad that he is still with her. She is looking for dating service? What is her major malfunction? Gurl, LEAVE! Sure you will go through cold turkey yet, it is worth it in the long run. Do you think that you can not get a man? You sound like a very caring person. Being with this fool will hold you back from having a nice guy in your life. Let me know what happens.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:38am
*sigh*

3 years you have wasted on another woman's husband. When are you going to put yourself first????

All I read in your post was excuses and stories told to you by him

"she won't leave" - Why should she, your the third party here dear, this is her marriage.

"she lied to him" - So says he, the very trustworthy cheater

"she is looking online for dates" - again so says he

"the judges in the state are for the mom" - she's not the one running around with someone else and breaking marriage vows so I would imagine the judge might look more favorably on her

"when I do try to get away, he won't leave me alone" - hmmmm easily solved, change of phone number, blocked emails, blocked calls and if need be restraining order

"I figured if things were bad enough at home to be looking" - lol, things don't need to be bad at home for men/women to cheat on their spouses...


The part that struck me the worst is that you have two boys. What kind of example are you setting for them, you are teaching them in your own behavior that its okay to be involved with someone who is married. If you continue down this path, they will probably grow up to either cheat or have affairs with married women. You aren't setting a good example.

I think you know in your heart he's never leaving his wife for you. It has nothing to do with you, it doesn't mean you aren't "worth" him to leave, it just means he gets a payoff for staying in the relationship, no matter how "bad" he makes it sound to you.

You want to be married and have another child, well you've already wasted 3 years with another woman's husband, how many more years are you going to waste until you "get it"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:13am
What is it you want us to tell you, hon? How to leave your married man, or how to stay with him? As you can see, you're not likely to find anyone here who is terribly sympathetic to the "other woman."

You are on a dead-end street with this man. He will probably never leave his wife, and even if he did, how could you live with being the homewrecker? You don't know WHAT actually goes on between him and his wife, and truthfully, it's not your business. He tells you what is convenient for you to know so you will continue to be his mistress. Don't you think he realizes that he has NO right to you? You can (and SHOULD) walk away at any time, and he would have absolutely no right to stop you.

The only reason he is able to keep bothering you is because you LET him. If you cut him off and REALLY mean it, he could not stay in your life. Change your numbers and refuse to see him. File a complaint with the police if he continues to harrass you.

I'm sure you know all this. I hope you get the support from the other board to get out of this deadly affair. Three years is a long time... I hope it was long enough for you to learn that you deserve more, and so do your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:17am
Simply put, if you REALLY WANTED to get out of this situation, you would. People have extracted themselves from far worse situations because they realize that what they are in is doing far more harm than good.

Or think of this---there are two small children involved and you are part of the equation of making their home a dysfunctional one (not the whole, but definitely a part of it)....is that really what you want from your life, that knowledge about yourself?

Regardless of what he says and does, the excuses he makes and the lies he tells (because I'd guarantee he's lying to you, his wife, his children and everyone else), your choices are your own...you either choose to eliminate this from your life or you choose to stay. If it's the latter, then in the end the only person who's going to have to face the negative repercussions of your actions is you and more than likely you'll be facing them alone.

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
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