dating my boss

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
dating my boss
5
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 6:59pm
I am a 25 year old male. My boss and I; who happens to be a female, flirt back and forth on a regular basis. My boss is a couple years older in fact she is 7 years my senior. Eventhough she is my boss we really don't have any work related interaction. My job allows me to manage myself. Well, in the up coming months my team will be combined with another team. She will no longer be my boss but will still be part of the same department. I want to ask her out and since she will no longer be my superior...do I ask her out? We have already made plans on joining a running club together. I'm just not sure if it would be right to do so. Please help...I'm confused!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: rainem2
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:36pm
Hello rainem, welcome to the board!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: rainem2
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 6:42pm
Hello cl-tgowens. Thank you for your reply...I was beginning to think no one was going to respond. The more I thought about it I realized that I shouldn't make any effort while she is still my boss. We currently are planning to go a basketball game together this sunday. Do you think that spending time outside of work as "friends" is not a good idea either? Should I hold off all non-work related events till after she is no longer my boss?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rainem2
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 6:56pm

Well, you need to do some checking with your current HR department.

While we tend to think of "sexual harrassment" as the male boss coming onto the secretary....it's much less aggressive than that - and much more objectively defined than that by law.

And here's the thing....anybody that is in a position of superiority to you in the company organizational chart....could be slapped with a sexual harrassment suit if they engage in any sort of "friendly comingling" in or out of work - with people in positions lesser to themselves.

Basically, if SHE is smart...she wouldn't go out with you while you still work there. HER job, particularly as she is a woman...is at great risk. While you're going "I'd NEVER slap her with sexual harrassment as a charge at work".......don't be too sure.

If you, when your department combines and she's no longer directly your supervisor, and her started to date....and you couldn't GET a promotion because YOUR boss determined that you dating coworkers period (supervisor or not) wasn't something they want to promote.....you'd be in a real bind.

This really can go all over the place...and there's no point in endless speculation. But basically, supervisors that "date" people in lesser positions than them, whether directly supervising them are not....are at great risk.

On a professional level...it gets around that you date people under you in position - and future employers will be leary about hiring you. They realize that whoever she's dating NOW might not object...but that if she did this elsewhere and was less positive in her judgement of character - the entire company could be risk because she likes sexual gratification.

So, if she's really smart.....she wouldn't be dating, flirting with, or really even interacting with "just you" while you two work together. Same with with......while she could slap you with a sexual harrassment charge if you broke up with her and she didn't like it....what I would think would be more likely is that you'd be less included in your coworker peer group...and that would lead to less productivity possibly in your position right now. If you can't get cooperation out of your peers at work - it's hard to be productive!

So check with your HR department...if waht you find is that there is a company rule regarding dating (supervisory, coworker, or lesser than personnel) realize that she probably is well aware of the rule....and is enjoying the flirtation and it'll never go anywhere. Maybe bed....here and there, if discretion can be the better part of valor. But nowhere public.

If there isn't a rule prohibiting dating amongst employees at the company.....ask around discreetly about precedent. Because I'm sure other people there have been attracted to one another and acted on it. What happened to them in terms of their professional career there - and elsewhere - it's good to know that.

Also....please remember that the person at work has a vested interest in putting their best foot forward at all times. Outside of the office, once infatuation fades...they're rarely that "life of the party, take charge" person that you see from 8-5. I know, I married my 3rd husband thinking that the responsible, intelligent, diligent, and detail oriented guy from work....was who he was at home. I just refused to acknowledge that facts...through 2.5 years of living together trying to get him to marry me...and 8 months of marriage that ended in divorce at my own instigation when "aisle/altar/hymn" didn't produce the "I'll alter him" result!

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: rainem2
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 7:04pm
Erin makes a lot of good points (as she usually does... thanks Erin!)

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: rainem2
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 7:16pm

I really want to thank you all for your thoughts first off. I have a lot to think about in the next couple days since we are planning on going to a NBA game on Sunday. To make things worse she sent me an e-mail today stating that she has "something to confess!" When I asked her what it was she said, "I'll tell you once you leave the department." So I think that this Sunday I will just go out with her as "friends" and don't make any actions like I'm interested. Once we are no longer on the same team then I will reconsider what to do. I know of people who have meet their mate here at work. I work for a really large company and they know that people will date at work. They don't allow bosses to date their employees but as far as I know they don't have a problem with people in different departments dating. I'm going to look into it. Then again...is it worth all this work?

I'll keep you all updated.

Thanks again.