dating but never a date

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
dating but never a date
22
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 7:41pm

Hi everyone:

Thanks to everyone for your advice...now I have another question.

As you know, I have been casually dating someone for a little while now. I made it quite clear to him that I am not looking for a relationship as I am still recovering from a break up. He said that is fine but we still kept on seeing each other a few times a week.

Everything has been great, I enjoy his company and he treats me very well. However, we have not had a proper date yet. When I see him, it is always in the evening, after work or saturday evening for drinking, going out. I would like to spend time with him when it is NOT a situation when we are both had a few beers. Is he not interested in a day time date because I told him I am not interested in a relationship or what gives???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 10:47pm
Question before I respond... is sex involved?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 6:11am
Yes, sex is involved. And he has told me numerous times he wants us to be gf/bf...but I hesitate. I just wonder why we have not gone on a real date.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 7:23am

I may be completely off here... but is it possible that you haven't gone on a real date because you keep hesitating, sending him mixed signals? If he's telling you he wants you to be his girlfriend, then I don't understand... Have you discussed this with him? Have you told him you'd like to go out?


Sometimes the only thing to do is be straight-forward as possible...


Hope this helps. Keep us posted!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 7:52am

I'm new at the real, formal dating scene. I'm in my 30s and am just learning how to do this. However, I've been in several LTRs. My past pattern of "dating", which really can't be called dating, had a lot to do with going out to the bars with guys I liked/they liked me and just kind of having that friend/bf boundary blurr. In retrospect I can see how I made it easy for my bfs because I sort of saved them from all the dating, which takes effort and resources and usually doesn't end in going home together -- at least at the beginning ;-) Although in the end I think we all benefit from dating, men and women.

I don't know if this has anything to do with your situation, just sort of reminded me of my own situations. My bfs back then wanted to continue the relationship for quite a time, part because we really got along and I suspect part from the physical element to it. I wonder what would have happened if I asked them to back up and date me formally (like get dressed up and go out for a nice dinner and a movie). I think they would've shyed away from that.

You're definately worth the effort of a nice date. But I think it's sort of hard to go back to the dating stage once there is more of a serious and physical relationship. that's just my opinion...maybe other people have had different experiences!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 8:50am

He isn't interested in a real date because you aren't interested in a real relationship.

You can't expect a man to invest time, money and effort into a situation where the lady has already decided against a serious committed relationship. Change your attitude towards this guy and he may change his. Guys aren't made of money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 2:38pm
I guess I need to make up my mind about him first. The thing is, he spends tons of money on food/drinks when we go out. I would rather have him spend it on a "real" date. Does he feel like he already has me and sees no reason to make an effort? I am a little confused. Maybe I need to take a step back and try to understand what I am doing here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 4:47pm
It's just a thought but maybe going to bars, etc., is what he likes to do. Maybe he thinks you do, too. Have you suggested going anywhere else? He may be accomodating if you make your desires known. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 5:12pm
Yea, he does like going to bars etc as I do but for me it is hard to decide whether I would like to date him unless we do something together. For example, this past Saturday I went over to his place specifically early on (about 3pm) so that him and I could do something and not just drink and go out. Well so it happens that he was watching baseball with his house mate. No problem there BUT i only see him once a week and him not really paying any attention to me was disappointing...I am just confused. One moment he wants to be my boyfriend and us to be an item but then he doesn't seem to want to put any effort into it...does he think he already has me "in the bag"? I am confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 10:32pm

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Yes. This is exactly what it is. He doesn't want to invest his emotions and too much time if you aren't interested in being his gf. He's already invested money (even though it may not be your idea of a date). When he watches baseball with a friend and doesn't pay too much attention to you, he's pulling back emotionally, because he doesn't want to get hurt.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 11:43am
Maybe it would be a good idea to let him know that I would like for us to spend some time together so that I can get to know him better...I think I need to write him an email and let him know and see what he thinks. I just do not know what to think of the situation...

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