Dating an older woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Dating an older woman
2
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 7:32pm

Well, I've been dating a woman who is 12 years older to me she is 39 and I am 27. We have had an on-again and off-agin relationship for the past year. We both care for and love each other but she can't seem to get over the fact that I am younger. This is the same reason why we have broken up twice before but we still manage to keep in touch and then re-kindle our romance. We have many things in common and have fun wherever we go out but there is no tangible explanation from her end on why she feels the age differece. She is looking to settle down and I want to settle down with her.

I want things to workout and we have talked about this issue but she can't seem to get past it. I'm trying to understand her feelings but I am having difficulties.

Can someone explain to me what issues and feelings does a woman go through when dating a younger guy? Is there a way to reslove this?

Thanks so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 8:42pm

Okay....well, have you two talked about the realities of your experience/age/prioritization difference in depth and at length honestly?

You're 27....I have to assume that you realize by settling down with her - you'd likely never have kids. Not just becuase as she ages it becomes more difficult and risky...but because as she ages she's less likely to want to be an infant's mother at 45! So, I will go to one assumption - that you've discussed children and you agree that you both as individuals - DO NOT WANT THEM. Never have......so there is no issue there to revise or resolve...that requires great compromise, or unrest in this relationship.

When I was 20...I married a man 40. This was what I found...in the five years ofthat marriage. It wasn't our age that did us in...it was the disparity in life experience....dn the disparity in prioritization.

He'd been around the world, had his exotic vacations, he'd done all the things he wanted to do "before settling down"...I hadn't. I wanted to do them "with someone" because without someone to fund those things...I had no option on them! And, I had all these romantic idealistic fantasies about how a single woman just couldn't possibly have any fun in Spain alone! You get the idea.

So, it'd be very important for you both to have done everything as single, independent, secure, self-accepting peopel that you want to do.....you've slept with verybody you want to sleep with, you've had whatever sexual fantasies that you wouldn't bring into a relationship acted out, you've "shot the wad" of cash in Vegas on a whim, you've been in the clink for horsing around with your friends and ripping the banner off the bar lampost on hallween.....that sort of thing.

Because that'd be very important...particularly on your end. That you're not thinking she's going to "redo" what she's already done....because half the enjoyment in doing some of these crazy, risky, or impetetuous things is because in youth - they're not so impetuous or crazy as they are "fun and exciting"...age changes your perception and definition of fun adn exciting...because your priorities change.

She's 12 years closer to retirement, to old age, to health concerns, to loss of her professional identity - than you are. And on that note alone...she can't go back and "relive" her youth with you and thru you - spending all that cash and time. That's another reason, unless sh'es extremely financially solvent...that she wouldn't want children unless she's been preparing for that for most of her life in the financial sense. Because to give birth at 42....she'll be 60 when the child graduates HIGH SCHOOL...and 65 at the time of sheepskin if all goes well. Funding that in addition to retirement and health issues - can't be done....without prior planning.

You say taht "she" can't get past the age thing.....well, visit that for a second on the flip side. If you were with an 18 year old - 9 years your junior......what would YOUR impression be of "how long this had the potential to last?" Sure, you'd think you were a hottie stud for getting her - if she's a well-endowed college freshman with Jessica Simpson appeal....but how long would you think that you'd "keep" her true to you...given that she's in a diversity of opportunity and options and flux and transition - going off to college?

That is very realistically where this woman you're dating is at. You're 27....at 37 and 47....you're going to be found quite appealing by women considerably younger than you. (Remember, at 20 - I married a 40 year old!) And at 16, I was dating a 40 year old...and at 42.....I'm dating a 46 year old who jokingly says life for me is going to be tough at 60, funding a 40-something man....I seem to be stuck on men "in their 40's"!

Are you going to find her aging, with fading beauty, less firm skin, a little heavier set, and less confidence in her appearance as appealing as you do today...in 5 years.....when she's 45 and you're 33.....and interacting with the secretarial pool?

I know that is a valid concern that I would have....as I've never seen a marriage of significant age disparity work out to a long-term successful conclusion of "death doing them part".

But, again - I think perhaps that does stem from lack of self-completion, and personal success, security, identity and happiness - prior to finding one another...and then talking in all seriousness about the issues that could arise - as a result in your experience disparity in life.

It'd be like any other type of relationship. Talk about the serious issues, realize waht will keep you together is shared values, goals, priorities, and standards and priorities - and if those things don't waiver.....you'd be together no matter what life thru at you.

I'd also tell you to look closely at something else....why is a 39 year old woman dating a 27 year old man? Quite likely it is because she is one of the women in growing number that are coming "out" of the closet...that she doesn't want commitment, she doesn't want her options compromised, she doesn't want to have to consider someone equally with herself - she wants to be free to pursue her goals, expand her horizons, fulfill her potential as she sees it - without considering the needs, wants, feelings and desires of someone else. She's 39....she's unmarried....she's not "39 and unmarried because nobody will marry her"....she's 39 and unmarried because she doens't want to be married.

It's the same statement that women are urged to consider when men don't want to marry...and they're sitting there going "I'm attractive, I'm smart, I'm willing to compromise, he's a commitment phobe". No..he's not...he never wanted committment - he wanted sex, conversation, companionship on his terms to meet his needs, he's gracious, kind, character ridden, and integrity driven...but he's NOT wanting a commitment and never was.

I honestly believe if she were wanting a commitment......she wouldn't have waited till 39 to start thinking about it...and she wouldn't be with someone that is 27...and very likely less life experienced, established in every way than herself.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 9:12pm
She appears to be insecure about herself. There are plenty of couples like you and they seem to work fine. There are many things she could be thinking, such as that in a few years she'll look like "your mom" OR that you could look for younger women after she starts to show a few wrinkles OR that you're too young to settle now and that you'd rather enjoy your youth with someone else, who knows? You could re-assure her that age is not a important and that you're prepared to settle down with her. But in the end it's up to her.