Dating a past player??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Dating a past player??
1
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 7:24pm
I am usually a lurker but I wanted to post my recent situation. There is this guy at work I have been dating for about 6 weeks now. He has been asking me out for about a year now and I have always been flattered but have said 'No Thanks." I was in a 10 year relationship I did not want to jeopordize and he was recently seperated and going through a divorce. He has never given up making it apparent to me and our circle of friends that he liked me and wanted to take me out. In this past year we have become friends and I have been watching him and I have not seen the best side of him. I have seen him date(?)2 women at once.(among other things) One would drop him off to work and another would pick him up at lunch. Because of his actions he has gotten a reputation at work, especially by the guys, of being a player/slutty.

2 months ago I ended my relationship because it has been over for a long time but neither of us wanted to admit it and I really don't want him anymore so I let him go to find someone who does. So backtrack to 6 weeks ago. A bunch of us went out for drinks after work and I was feeling lonely, vulnerable, and little buzzed and I ended up spending the night with him. He doesn't drink and he says he went just because I went. I knew what I was doing but I did not want a relationship or to be in love. I just wanted to be touched by someone who wanted me. Sex with my Ex consisted of him getting on top, pumping 3 times and getting off for about 2 years now. Well I never thought it would go this far and be so fantastic and 6 weeks later it gets better and better. The problem. I can't trust him and don't know if I will ever be able to. He tells me I am the only one he is seeing. He tells me he is in love with me and has been. He tells me I am beautiful,I have a nice body,I am amazing, and incredible. He tells me everything woman want to hear. Everything my ex never said. I still can't help but think I am being played. He says he is sorry I have seen the worst in him and is going to change I have seen some evidence of this. He says a lot of it had to do with getting divorced. He says people at work spread rumors and made him out to be worse than he is just for something to talk about. He really hasn't given me any reason to think he is seeing anyone else except for seeing his past. One of the women he was dating works in another department. He says it was long over, did not last very long but they remain friends. Ocassionally, he runs into her or has to deal with her on work related issues. As soon as I saw him with her I instantly think its not over with her and accuse him of lying to me. He has a cell phone and everytime he is on it I think it's another woman even if he tells me who it was when he gets off. Am I being an ass or I am just vulnerable and easy prey from just getting out of a 10 year relationship. I am going through a personal change myself and am trying to get used to being without my right arm (my ex) and getting to know someone new. Right now we don't tell anyone at work we are seeing each other (although some are getting suspicious) because I am way better than he has presented himself and people would be thinking or asking me "What are you doing? You know how he is." So what do you all think? Should I stop being so insecure and get over it and move on? I am 34 years old and am usually very comfortable with myself. He definetly is making me crazy. Some advice or thoughts are appreciated. Sorry so long.







Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 9:28pm
I know this may sound like a pat answer, but I really think you'd benefit from counseling. On the one hand, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, so you are right to have some doubts about his trustworthiness, but OTOH, you accusing him of lying and monitoring his phone calls is over the top. Also, you are NOT a good candidate for being in a r'ship right now, due to having just ended a 10 year r'ship. There can't help but be some issues there.

I think sorting things out with a trained professional would be a good idea.

Sheri