dating - sex?
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| Wed, 11-30-2005 - 8:06am |
I had gone through some hard times and an ugly break up so I inscribed myself on an online dating side to see what kind of people are out there in the world. I got one really cute answer and I decided to meet that guy in a public place.
We met and had a great afternoon! He was really cute and nice and I had a great time enjoying company again.But he was 'extremely' fast. He moved over to kiss me a couple of times, but I told him I dont kiss on the first date. I told him that this is too fast for me.
From that on he told me he 'loves' me, and wants to create a relationship with me...
sounds perfect, huh!?!
Its too fast for me. the L*word after one! meeting...I dont know, ...
He pushes to visit me over the weekend and stay at my place overnight...
I myself am a student who lives with others. I told him that but he seems not to respect that. He still urges to visit me over the weekend and sleep at my place with the others.I dont think that this is ok. He said he will not come if he can not stay overnight!?!
He makes me feel guilty for not offering him a place to stay when he visits me in my hometown. (he lives in a city an hour away)
Why is he doing that?
If he 'loves' me he can drive an hour to visit me. It takes me an hour to get to work everyday...
Well,...I started getting curious when he become not reachable when I called him eventhough we had arranged to talk.
Strange things happened to him in only one week: first he said he had a car accident and couldnt call me back,-of course he is fine.
than he told me he got sick and could not meet with me as we arranged: -yes he is fine again.
than he told me his friend had an accident and he could not call me back and did not answer his phone either.
..something always happens with this guy. And he disappears! I wonder if his second name is Hudini.
Also when I call him he is always somewhere, where he can not talk. He picks up and sais 'i call you back' and that's it. I am not impressed!
I told him that this is not going to work, but than he told me for days how much he loves me, desires me and wants to build a relationship with me.
So I gave it a try again and again and again.
it is a constant struggle for me but I acted cool because I wanted to see what happens.
I feel I am being fooled because he is so...hmm...unavailable and seems to not care for how I live or what I do.
I invited him to a meeting, he did not come. I invited him to a party, he said he comes but only if he can afterwards sleep at my place.
Hey, I only met him once, plus it is not MY place I live at. I feel strange. I feel like this guy is trying to push me around.
I open my world, my people, my surrounding to him and he is not available and always comes up with 'strange' stories!
I mean... it could be all true. but also again it could be that he is full of lies.
My gut told me he was lying he gave me his landline, so I called to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him. And a woman answered the phone.
hmm..he said it was his mother?!(-could be)
Well, I went on that online dating side-that I put my name off the same day I met him. and found out that he had lied to me about a couple of things:
1. he did not put his add off when he met me (like he said he did).
2. he is not my age(like he said he is) but 3 years younger.
3. he obviously lives with (his parents)someone, not alone (like he said he does).
...in the end I wonder if there are more lies where these ones came from. What if it was NOT his mother answering the phone. What if his accident, sickness, friends accident are excuses because he is in a relationship...:( :( :(
I told him what I think and his answer was that he has no relationship and that he has fallen in love with me too much to give me up and I shall please not break contact with him he will come and visit me and I shall give it a try if I really like him (which I do). He seems to rely so much on the fact that I like him. It makes me sick...
It is all so strange. I want to believe him. But if things start out with a lie, where shall that lead to?!.
Also he pushes the physical part a little too much. I know him since 2 weeks and he asked me if I would sleep with him. (we have not even kissed yet, and I still dont know for sure if it was his mom or his girlfriend on the phone). I said that if he was my boyfriend i would sleep with him, otherwise i wouldnt.
He asked me if I would like to be in the same city as him, if I would like to live together with him, if I would sleep with him and that he loves me.
It is all nice, but I feel strange.
I asked him how he feels about the above mentioned points but got no answer.!
....honestly. I think he is only using me to push his self-esteem.
He does not really mean it when he sais he 'loves' me. I think he is using that word to keep me haning onto something that has no future...:(
He would not be lying to me if he would really mean to be with me.
He would try a little harder, and he would show up when we arrange to meet, and call when he sais he does.
I am sick of his 'i love you's', I dont believe it.
Shall I tell him that?
I tried to end this nicely but he wouldnt let me.
Do I have to be so brutal?
I feel a little pitty for him too. He is so young. And maybe unexperienced. I dont want to hurt him but he is starting to hurt me.....
Also...... my ex showed up uninvited at one of my meetings from work! (I had invited my new 'love' from the online dating, but he did not come).
My ex was nice, had prepared a professional speech to impress us and showed interest in me and is now calling me every day. He said he understands that I broke up with him, he is sorry for that he was so stupid and if i want to try it again. I did not answer but we talk on the phone everyday and I am not decided because of the reason why I broke up with my ex. I know my ex will not change.
My ex does not want marriage or kids. But I do. So it doesnt work.
fact is... i want a man i can build a future with.
i want someone to live with. to have a family with. to share my life with.
my ex made it clear that he would never marry me and he has a kid already and wants none.
i see no future for us other than an affair and that does not satisfy my needs.
I get lonley at times, but I think being in an affair and knowing it has no future will hurt me even more no matter how 'nice' the guy is to me.
and this new guy from the online dating side is so.... strange.
he seems so dishonest in many ways.
he seems to play with my hopes.
if he just wants to have sex he should have contacted someone else. i put that in my add on the dating side, on which are also many girls who just want sex. i put myself in a different cathegory.
i made this so clear to my ex and he still didnt understand it. and i made it clear to the man from the online dating side but he also seems to be only interested in sex. neither one of them goes through the efford of going for cofe with me or taking me out for dinner or dancing, or movies..the usual stuff when you date! you invest time and money and efford into the other person.but they both dont have 'time' for any of those things, they only want to stay 'over night' with me and if i say no, they dont want to meet me... it hurts!
i am disappointed.
deeply.
i dont know where else to look for love anymore.
i fell in love with a professor of mine...he asked me if i would go home with him. i said 'no thank you', i still have a crush on this professor and i have to take his classes but i am deeply hurt by his offer. i wanted to go out for cofe with him and talk, and dance and go for walks and stuff... i must have been in lalaland.
he, like all the others only want to screw me and they make it clear.
i dress extreemly conservative(not sexy). somedays i look like a nun. i get respect from all people.i am not 'flirty' or loose!.. and i make it clear that i am not into one night stands. plus i am a woman rights defender par excellence. still..no man takes me serious. they all think i am some big great 'joke'.
i feel that the man who i date are not listening to me when i say i want to take my time with getting physical.
i say i want a man to have a future with and they ignore it.
its like they want to change me. i want to go for a dinner or cofe and they want to sleep with me. this does not work. it makes me want to be alone forever...
my ex wants me back eventhough he hates marriage(which i want).he told me that the only thing i am good for is to sleep with.-so i broke up with him. to take him back now would be like i agree that this is the only thing i am good for. but i know that this is not true. i have so much more to offer. why cant i meet a guy who values everything i have to give?
when i talk to my friends they say i shall be happy that so many guys want to sleep with me.
but i am not.
i want to 'date', i want to 'fall in love', i want love letters and promises to spend a life together, not only sex. i am tired of man who only want to sleep with me. ..i want commitment.
and i dont think commitement is build by only sleeping with each other.
i am almost getting shy about telling man what i really want from them. i keep on saying 'hey, i want a steady boyfriend and a future' and the guys seem to look at me and say 'i dont want to commit to you but lets sleep with other(only)'
-dealbreaker.
i think i will be single for the rest of my life...
the dating scene seems to be not for me.
...
.
any advice?
best,
Angel.
ps: i wish you all a nice day.

Sweetie, we do not give men second chances after we catch them in a bunch of lies, or third chances, or tenth chances. There are many good men out there but if you keep yourself wrapped up with a loser you will never meet them. OLD gives you the opportunity to meet many men and road test them first.
Learn how to cut your losses and move on quickly when you see trouble.
I stopped reading as soon as I got to the line "From that on he told me he 'loves' me, and wants to create a relationship with me...sounds perfect, huh!?!"
No, it doesn't sound "perfect" at all...it sounds totally messed up...no normal person would say that. You should have stopped right there.
Sheri
I second that, Sheri!
To our OP, isn't it more than a little ODD that he'd say he "loves" you after ONE meeting? Yikes. This is a person who doesn't have any concept of love, as you CANNOT love a person in one day. Like? Yes. Lust? Yes. Love? Heck no.
So, forget the rest of the incongruencies, unavailabilty, him not responding to your invitiations, the weird phone calls, him only wanting things on his terms and time.
The first point alone is enough of a red flag to say "thanks, but no thanks."
Wow.
Start
Hi Angel,
You seem like a nice and intelligent person. I understand your confusion; it's the result of a person's up-bringing. I recommend that you read as many books as you can about healthy dating, relationships, etc. I think you probably need to reset your expectations. Don't feel bad, I'm 37 and I'm just now learning. One book I highly recommend "Dangerous Relationships: Beating Domestic Violence Before It Beats You", at least I think that's the full title. Abusers generally, probably nearly always, force, push closeness/sex because for them closeness is intimacy. It's not you, it's the way they are with everyone, everything.
You seem like a very sensitive, caring person. Unfortunately, exploitative, manipulative people are looking for such people. It's not you. It's how they relate to their world. From what I've gathered, they're looking for a target outside of themselves to vent their feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, etc., on. It's sad, because every time I've gotten closer to such individuals, their treatment of me became worse and worse. I've finally surmised that it's because they start to see more of themselves in me, which they cannot stand. We all become a little more like the people we spend time with. Unfortunately, in the case of people who feel badly about themselves, instead of bringing people closer, assimilating to them brings destruction. Sadly, we cannot change them by loving them. It's a choice they have to make.
You can find healthy relationships, but it takes time and learning what we can and cannot expect of ourselves and others. I sincerely hope you'll give yourself the time and find yourself worthy of investing in. Take care. Best Wishes!