dating a single dad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
dating a single dad...
5
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 10:09pm

Hi everyone,

I hope I'm posting this in the correct area. Anyway, I've started seeing a great guy. He's fun, he makes me laugh, he's caring....and he's got a 4-year old. The child spends the majority of the time with the mother, who lives on the other end of the state. I've never dated a guy with kids before, so any advice you may have to offer is greatly appreciated! BTW, if it matters, I'm 29, he's 45 (a May-December relationship...another discussion for another day! :) )

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 10:21pm
Hi. I am a single mom and I have dated a few single dads. My son has an excellent father so I have been lucky in this department. Most of what I have sensed from single dads in their fatherhood department is that they feel underacknowledged even if they dont talk about it much. Mothers tend to take care of things a bit quicker with schools and extra curriculars and playdates. It is hard for a single dad to find support in his community or within the school with other single parents. Often women ostracize single dads on the playground because they dont take them seriously. This is a real shame since a lot of them that know attend school activities and play just as much a role in the kids lives as the moms do. I guess what I am saying in my own longwinded way is to take time occasionally to recocignize through what he is saying what a great dad he probably is. They need to hear this and it reinforces what kind of man they believe they are or would be for you as well. Normally they might hear this from their wife or partner but with divorce we lose that validation from the other parent about what a great job we are doing and some times it really helps to just hear it from someone who is paying attention.
Hope this helps...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 11:59am

I think that at this point you just need to ask yourself if things should get really serious down the line, would you be okay with possibly becoming a step-mother? If the answer is no, then you may not want to spend your time on dating him. Otherwise, you just need to take into consideration that he may have times when he can't see you because he is busy with the kid and be understanding of that.

If the relationship ever reaches the point where you're talking about marriage, then I would really recommend trying to learn what you can about relationships between step-parents and step-children, but that is really not something you have to worry about at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:26pm

Im dating a single dad with 2 children, girl aged 7 and boy aged 4. They spend most of their time with mum but he has them every Wednesday night and every other weekend from Friday to Monday and also any time his wife may go away on holiday. I have been with him over a year, and met them in January this year when he knew things were serious with me. Their mum is now dating the man she had the affair with and the kids obviously see him a lot of the time too.

I won't lie to you, its not easy. Ive been pretty lucky that my boyfriend includes me in most things that they do but Ive recently started having the odd problem with his son though for most of the time, we get on great. Nothing major and in the grand scheme of things, I know things could be much, much worse. My problem is a) trying not to take it personally when he does play up and b) trying not to be insecure when mum phones up and talks about the kids as she will always be in his life no matter what. Its been hard but its getting better all the time.

I try to let them still have alone time with daddy so I wont see him on a Wednesday and will only stay over on the Saturday night he has them and we then take them out for the day on Sunday. We try not to flaunt our relationship in front of them though we will still show affection. Its frustrating at times when I just want to spend some alone time with him and of course, its hard having to adjust to kids being around when I actually live on my own still. I know his kids are his top priority but luckily he has never had to let me down at the last moment to go to them.

There are plenty of rewards though. When his little boy asks daddy if I can go to the cinema with them and when his little girl gives me a big cuddle, it makes it all worthwhile. Just knowing they like being with me is amazing.

Just take it slowly. If you aren't sure where you stand with them and what sort of role is expected of you, then talk it through calmly with your partner. We didnt do this at first hence a few problems but now I know I can go to him when I have a worry. Also remember that dad is getting used to being a single parent too and as I found out, he is still learning himself.

Expect to make mistakes but you will learn from them and it DOES get easier as time goes on. Dont try and force the child into being your friend. I found that I started off being friendly to the children but not over the top. I would wait for them to come to me and then encourage them to talk and play with me etc. My role at the moment is as daddy's friend and they see me as another adult they can have fun with but they do need to respect me too.

Talk things through with your partner though, see what he thinks you should be doing and work it out together.

Good luck
xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:17pm

Thank you all so much for your input! You've given me a lot to keep in mind, and answered a lot of questions I didn't even think of! :)

I guess there's a lot to learn in a situation like this. I think one of the most unusual things to get accustomed to is the fact that his ex is a permanent part of his life, compared to the other guys I've dated whose ex's are gone and mostly forgotten. Hmmm....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 3:45am

Glad to have been of help. It is very hard to deal with the ex and its a strange feeling as even though I have my insecure moments where she is concerned, I know Id rather my boyfriend be man enough to accept her still as the mother of his children and still be pleasant to her rather than someone who was always nasty about her etc. Their relationship is purely all about the children and thats the way it should be. Took a while for me to grasp that concept but after many rows with him and chats to friends in the same situation, I have a better understanding of whats its like for them.

This situation is hard for everyone, you, your partner, and most importantly the child. You need to give plenty of support to your partner and have lots of patience and understanding too but in return, your partner needs to be the same way with you.

As with most things in life - communication is the key.