Dating someone with a child

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2006
Dating someone with a child
8
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:10pm

Hello all,

I am 33 and have a 3-year old son. I have been dating this guy (are bf/gf now) for about 6 months now, and our relationship with each other is going pretty well. One concern I do have though is his relationship with my 3-year old son. It seems that in the beginning , he was eager to spend some time with my son (who I have for one whole week, every other week). However it seems that he feels that my son is uncomfortable with him (he told me so), but I strongly feel that it is he who is uncomfortable with my son. Now looking back at the times that he does spend with me and son, there was some lack of comfort there from his side too, I just didn't read into it before. Otherwise, when it's just the two of us, we have a great time together. And he loves planning things for us when he knows I do not have my son with me for that week/weekend.

I've never dated a guy before who had a child, so I can't say for sure why he feels uncomfortable. But I can only surmise, trying to place myself in his shoes (one who doesn't have a child himself, and has not been placed in a position to be an adult caring for one), that he may just not be used to it, or feels that he may be in competition with my son for my attention. While I haven't really confronted him about it, I did suggest one time that perhaps he could spend a little more time with me and my son and do some activities together, to which he replied "let's just take it one step at a time", and I said "Sure, but I am just responding to your concern that you feel my son is uncomfortable to you. I thought that may help you two be at ease with each other".

Again, we have been dating for 6 months, so perhaps it is too early to tell whether or not this guy will really be comfortable with and accept the fact that I have a son, and he will always be a very important part of my life. But I am also concerned that he may never be comfortable with that, and I do not want to have to compromise the time and care I give my son because of what my BF's attitude is toward all this.

My questions are:

Do you all feel that 6 months is still too early to decide on acting on his
behavior towards my child, given where he is coming from?
If not, then what advise can you give me as far as how I need to treat all this
Should I just ignore it for now, or actually be proactive about it by
sugggesting other things like "guy" activities that both he and my son can
enjoy?
I'd also like to see the points of view from both sides - that is, from people
who are dating or have dated others with children, and those that have dated
those without children, but have one or more themselves.

Any other advice you can offer is greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:27pm

You don't need to make a huge deal of it at this point - that will make him more uncomfortable - but obviously you are a package deal and he needs to be able to relate with your son if the relationship moves forward.


How does he feel about children in general? Does he want any of his own? Can he feel "fatherly" toward someone who has a biological dad in the picture? These are things you don't want to grill him about per se but areas that you need to have a real awareness about.


And hoow does your son feel about him and the idea of you possibly getting serious with someone? Your son's feelings need to be explored as well?

,
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:42pm

<< How does he feel about children in general? >>

Well, I know that he doesn't necessarily dislike them. He currently lives with a roommate who has his own 8-year old daughter (his roommate gets his child every other weekend), and he likes talking about the daughter every now and then, in a fascinating way, actually.

<< Does he want any of his own? >>

Yes, definitely. We've already had discussions about our goals for the future, and he definitely wants a family, and has stated that he does want children of his own. Whether or not he would accept having children not his own is another story, don't you think?

<< Can he feel "fatherly" toward someone who has a biological dad in the picture? >>

This is something that still needs to be explored. I could see that during the times he spent with me and my son, he did make some effort of getting closer to him, but more on a "friend" basis. We've already had a discussion where he asked me how far I will let him "discipline" my child or take action in case he sees that my son is in danger, so he is very respectful of my boundaries - on how I let other people handle my son. I think I may also have "ingrained" in him though, that my ex-husband is a great father, sometimes even a better parent than I am, so he has this notion that my son's biological dad will be in the picture for awhile, and perhaps he won't need to be "fatherly" toward him. But again, that is something I am still not fully aware of, as I don't really know how he feels about that aspect yet.

<< And hoow does your son feel about him and the idea of you possibly getting serious with someone? Your son's feelings need to be explored as well? >>

To be honest, I'm not quite sure what level of understanding a 3-year old has regarding situations like this. This is my first serious relationship since my divorce. I've certainly talked to my son and have referred to my BF as "mom's friend", and have told him or made him aware before my BF would come by and visit with us or before we would all 3 go out or something. What is funny is that whenever he's with us, and I ask my son "What's his name?", and he would say "Daddy". So, that makes me feel that perhaps my son still sees male figures as "daddies" in his life.

I know I probably shouldn't make a big deal out of it at this point, but at what stage in the relationship can one say for sure that perhaps it is not in my best interest to continue on, if the lack of comfort is still there, given my situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 3:08pm

My opinion for what it's worth, is to keep this issue in mind, but back off of it for now. It seems that things are going well, but to me it is still a little early to try to resolve this question. Take time with your bf when you can spend time with him alone, continue getting to know each other. If it seems that you're going to be a long-term item (or maybe you're already there??), gradually and slowly spend more time as a threesome, don't place too much emphasis on it, and see how it goes.

Hope that is helpful!

MK

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 5:22pm
Hi. i am a thirty two year old woman who is divorced with a near eight year old son. I remember dating when he was three also because we divorced when he was not quite two.
I know everyone is different on timing so I wondered - when did you first introduce them? How long had you been going out with your bf at that point?
I have been dating a guy for about two months now and I am nowhere near introducing them. With visitation schedules it is easy to date and also takegood care of my son and he already has plenty of viable male role models including an active father.
So I guess I have always thought that I would introduce him if someone becomes crystal clear that they are thinking about sharing a life with me or talking about "our" possible future. Then I think it would be necessary to include my son in on our visits and let that dynamic be felt by everyone.
After I read your post I had to wonder whether your bf telling you that your son seemed uncomfortable wasnt really more your bf telling you he was uncomfortable. Especially considering that when you said that you could arrange more stuff between them he said he responded with something about one day at a time. Could it be that even though I am sure your bf is serious about you and the two of you, he isnt at the point where your future seems ironclad. That would be normal I think at 6 months for someone to be in love certainly but not ready for the whole committment. Adding your child to the scene may have made him feel like he should be feeling something he isnt yet and you dont want to rush these things. They happen all on their own.
So basically I would cool the activities with your child for a while and concentrate on the two of you and where you are with each other.
BTW my son was definitely not capable of understanding anything around a boyfriend or dating or the implications of either when he was three. He is now but I dont think would have gotten it very well at all until maybe a year or so ago except to think that there was another person around playing with him. That being said, he has only ever met two people I have dated and they were introduced as good friends and there were never any PDA at all in front of him.
In any case I wish you luck. These issues are difficult for all of us single parents to navigate!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2006
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 5:40pm

I think you are very right in that my BF may not be that totally committed to this yet, and like the other posters have also mentioned, I shouldn't really make a big deal of it at this point. I suppose one thing that I have failed to mention is that the first few months of our dating, we've kinda rushed into things a little bit (including introducing him to my son, albeit just as a "friend", and I think there was excitement on both sides for them to get to know each other more.) And I think ever since my BF and I had a serious discussion about our 4th month into the relationship that we needed to take things slow, this aspect of it has also been affected.

It is actually a good thing that we have slowed down a bit in our relationship and are just having a lot of fun right now (our foundation was almost shaken up quite a bit because of a trust issue incident, and that was what led to our serious discussion about slowing things down).

Thanks for the advice and opinions...this has actually made me realize again, that we need to keep things going at a normal pace, not rush into things. We're having a great time, so I shouldn't sweat this stuff (not for awhile at least).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 8:00am

Well I have no children but im dating a guy who has 2 (7 year old girl, 4 year old boy). We have been together over a year and I met the kids 7 months ago.

Its a very hard situation for ALL involved. Ive been pretty lucky that Ive had it quite easy but recently the little boy has made a few comments about wishing I wasn't there though for the majority of the time we get on great. It was hard to hear at first especially as my boyfriend didnt know how to handle it and naturally thought it was my fault. We talked it through and he realised that he hadnt made the situation any easier so he has said that when his boy behaves like that to just ignore him and he will get bored as he is making comments to see what reaction he gets from me.

His son is very much a daddy's boy and hates his dad spending time with anyone except him and that includes his sister, nanna and obviously me. Though I obviously cant judge and I dont feel its my place to say anything, it does seem to me that he gets away with everything whereas his sister tends to get the blame all the time. Dad is over compensating for not being a full time dad by giving into his son which will obviously only make matters worse in the future. Plus I know his mummy is quite strict with him so its only at dad's that he can get away with stuff.

My fear as the girlfriend is that dad will listen to the children and if they dont like me, then he will finish with me. Luckily my partner has told me that will not happen as he is in charge, not the kids but its still a worry for me.

I can understand why your boyfriend is worried. I wasnt bothered at first but after each comment by the son, I get more and more nervous and Im guessing he is picking up on that. I reassure the little boy that I love being with him but he is no doubt confused as to whats happened to his family and no doubt sees me as someone else who is taking up daddy's time. Maybe your son has the same fear, could you speak to him in a way he understands and see how he feels??

All I can suggest is you have some alone time with your son without your partner around, some fun times when you are all together and maybe let your partner take your son to a park for an hour so he can associate fun times with him as well.

Have you discussed your partner's role with your child? Is he expected to discipline or is that entirely up to you? Do you expect him to take a backseat but sometimes want him to be more involved? This is very confusing territory and still confuses me now. Sit your partner down and ask him what makes him uncomfortable around your son. Ask if there is anything you can do to help the situation. Explain you and your son are also learning in all of this on how to act with each other.

Communication is the key, both talk about your fears and worries and it should hopefully help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 10:40am

Thanks so much to those who posted and shared their opinion/experiences.

I do agree with what some of you had posted in that I should just lay low on the bf/son relationship for now and just focus on my relationship with my BF, and just have fun with him whenever I don't have my son. While part of me wants to just talk it out with him now, and try to "fix" things, I feel that perhaps it is a little early in the relationship to do that. Also, he has asked me in the past what I feel should be his role in all this, and I did tell him that I still want to do the disciplining of my child, and that he can step in only when i'm not present and he feels that my child is in danger. Coupled with the fact that I've said repeatedly in the past too that my son's father is a great father (I've been expressed that my son's father might be a better parent than me). So perhaps too, he has acknowledged that he isn't expected to play a major part in the child's life (at least not in the forseeable future). And I know he does realize that my son is my biggest priority in my life right now, so I also think he tries to respect the time I do have with him.

My boyfriend and I actually had a talk last night about our relationship (I mean the one between the two of us), and we've reiterated that we feel that we are going in the same direction in life, have some similar goals, and quite a number of interests in common. So that reminded me again how good our relationship is. Perhaps in the future, our relationship will be stronger and stable enough for him to feel a little bit more comfortable with my son. I think really the biggest thing with him right now is for both of us to feel really secure and sure about us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 3:01pm
I've dated people with kids, without kids, and I have kids. If you are dating someone that doesn't have a good relationship with your son or you see it becoming something that than don't wait. If he isn't kind and supportive after I would recommend that you watch that closer and see how it goes. You can't force him to spend time with him but if he is really interested in you and if you are going to be interested in him then he should take the initiative. It's out of your control...if he doesn't get better I would move on.