Dating someone in a financial crisis?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Dating someone in a financial crisis?
6
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 2:59pm
I am dating someone since about Thanksgiving, but we're taking it slow because I am in the process of a divorce and he is in the process of an expensive custody battle. The relationship is going great, I believe anyway. I'm holding off on having a "where do you see the relationship going" conversation until his custody situation is resolved because that kind of thing can really take a toll on a person, it's really his primary focus right now and that is a good thing.

Because of our respective custody arrangements, we only see each other every other weekend and the occasional weekday night. On the every-other-weekend we go out to dinner once or twice. In the last month he has had a series of large expenses and he's pretty much drained of all financial resources already from the attorney he's paying. His financial crisis is temporary, but in light of this I have been picking up the check for our dinners out. We don't go to fancy places, it's usually in the $30 range. Before this we would pretty much take turns paying. I can afford it, and I don't mind.

This guy has not asked me to pay for anything, I volunteer, and that is just for dinners... he has not and would not ask for financial help. But in past relationships I have always picked people that I somehow end up supporting. This guy isn't like that, but I want to make sure I'm not suggesting I am like that either.

If you were dating someone in a financial crisis, would you pick up more of the dating expenses - assuming of course it is temporary? We have been avoiding other things like going out to movies and such, but it doesn't make sense to avoid going out to eat completely. What do you think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 3:52pm
My advice to be to wait until his crisis ends - assuming it ends close to when you are expecting it to. Then you can be absolutely sure that he realizes the temporary-ness of the sitch.

In the meantime, while the dinners are not that much, there ARE cheaper/free alternatives: museums, renting movies, "indoor picnics", etc. He's been managing to feed himself before you guys started dating, I can't imagine that the meals you are buying every other week would make that big of a difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 4:01pm

It's great that you are understanding of his situtation and you are likely right that he is not the type to have a woman support him. But just because he is going through a financial crisis doesnt mean he should pay for nothing. I'm sure he's not destitute make an effort to be caring and romantic.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 4:25pm

I would take turns treating each other, and the person treating chooses the location (and hence controls the cost for his or her turn).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 4:51pm
"I would take turns treating each other, and the person treating chooses the location (and hence controls the cost for his or her turn). I think the precedent you're setting is a dangerous one."

I guess that is what I am afraid of, setting a precident that I can't get myself out of after the financial crisis ends. There we several weekends in a row I just picked up the check for dinner, mostly because I really sympathize with his situation and I know he is nearly completely broke at the moment. This weekend we went to dinner and I paid, but then we rented a couple movies and I let him get that, and then we got breakfast the next morning and it was less than $10 so I let him get that.

I have a hard time talking about it though, and am not really sure how to bring up the subject of "this time why don't I treat" or "this time why don't you treat." Before we'd just go out and at the end one of us would grab the check, generally taking turns but not really counting. Then when he got hit with a ton of expenses all at once, and I knew he was pretty broke I just started grabbing it and taking care of it. Just my nature I guess but I am trying to get rid of bad habits from past relationships. I wasn't sure if this was a bad habit or just a nice thing to do (given that it's temporary, but noting your advice about setting a precedent).

I'll try to find a way to bring the subject up and address it directly.




Edited 3/11/2004 5:44 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 5:38pm
I think its okay to pick up the check once in a while. However, on the first 1-3 dates, I think the man should pay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 5:43pm
"I think its okay to pick up the check once in a while. However, on the first 1-3 dates, I think the man should pay."

Just to be clear, we are way past the first 1-3 dates (we've been dating since around Thanksgiving), and my issues is that I am picking up the check more than once in a while (see special circumstances described in my first post).

He did pay the first 2-3 dates and then we started alternating.


Edited 3/11/2004 5:45 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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