dating a superior or professor
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| Wed, 05-30-2007 - 3:13am |
Hi folks,
I've posted this on another board but wanted to get a different perspective. here's the situation: I've got a crush on an instructor in the college program I'm in. He's probably 10 years older than me (I'm 37). I'm in a certificate program that will last for at least another year. I had two classes with him this semester and will probably have at least two with him next year. He's given me many compliments on my work and often when I'm doing my work in class I'll look up and find him looking at me. He's even gone so far as to say that I'm a "kindred spirit" and "one of the brilliant students". I think the attraction might be reciprocated but nothing has been said about it by either of us.
so...I'm debating whether I should say anything to him about it. the school says that relationships between professors and students are considered "immoral" due to the power imbalance even if the relationship is consensual. I've considered just stating my attraction to him but am worried that it will cause problems in my program if the attraction is not reciprocated or even if it is and he can't do anything about it.
have any of you dated a professor or superior at work and if so, can you give me any suggestions? or even if you haven't....
Thanks....
frazzlegirl

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Hi.
I don't know if I have responded to your other posts to which you refer because there was a similar one but a while back. Anyway, I am a professor, but female. I have also had tons of school to get here and have had my share of crushes. The relationship between teacher and student is a difficult one to describe, but it does include these kinds of feelings sometimes. That positive nurturing that goes along with educating someone can feel like "something else" from the student's perspective. Sometimes there really are feelings of love btn a student and prof who get close, but it's not romantic love or something to be acted on in that way. It is more like strong feelings of temporary mutual adoration that will fade in time, altho there will always be something there.
My advice is to keep this as a crush. It is imperative AT LEAST that you not speak of this until you are no longer his student. Your school frowns on this kind of relationship and there IS a good reason for that! This will sound arrogant, (I am NOT AT ALL), but students have crushes on me all the time. Getting students enamored about the subject and my enthusiasm for it is part of being a good teacher. However, the rules are in place because if I were a real piece of trash, I could easily take advantage of those crushes. These rules protect YOU.
After you are done with school and this guy is no longer "above you", then IF there is something there, it will remain. That's when a simple "I had such a crush on you" can be divulged and he will either blush slightly and be flattered, or something will come of it. Please do not open this up until then tho. There is no need to rush anything, and in this case, rushing could actually be very negative, more for him than you. He could get fired!!!
Not to rain on the crush parade here, but I wouldn't act on this. There are too many obstacles while you are his student. When you're no longer a student then it's a whole new ballgame. Wait it out and see what happens.
The other magical thing about crushes is that sometimes they simply run their course.
Holly
here's the thing about attraction - IT DOESN'T REQUIRE THAT YOU DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Sometimes you are attracted to people, things or situations, that for whatever reasons, is better left alone. Meaning - yu acknowledge that you are attracted to it or them but you CHOOSE to look at the bigger picture and let a sleeping dog lie because its in your best interests to do so. Now isn't the time to get head over heels - focus on what matters - your education. If there is something real here - then it will be happy to wait until a more appropriate time. Notice, I didn't say YOU would be - but the 'potential' of something is far different than the reality of it - there is potential for a flower to grow into a fruit on a vine - but not if its picked too soon.
If more people did this- there would be less frustration, conflict and confusion in life. This just isn't a good idea fora number of reasons - attraction be damned. Say nothing and remember why you are there. Tone down the interactions and keep it professional.
When you treat someone professionally they reciprocate - when you engage them in flirtatious and friendly ways, they will reciprocate that too. YOU are respoonsible for maintaining your professional conduct as to not jeopardize his tenure.
Toni
you know, this morning after I posted my question I realized what is at stake here, and that I was so smitten with him that I didn't even think too hard about what he could lose by getting involved with me: his job, tenure, and everything that goes with that. I am going to step waaay, way back and be nothing but professional with him because I don't want to screw things up for him or myself.
I do think he's interested but is practicing restraint for this very reason, which is the smartest thing he can do. And I need to make it easy for him to do that, which will benefit me as well.
soo...fruit on the vine, not ripe. hard not to pick, but necessary. darn. guess that's part of maturity.
thanks for all your wise words, folks!
Dear Frazzlegirl,
I've written about this very same quandary for a while off and on. I have a major crush on my supervisor/faculty for a year now. I was attracted to him the first moment we met. I've never told him straight up how I feel so imagine the mental turmoil regarding our interaction. We've been meeting one on one 1 hour a week since last july. I'm 40. He's 56. Just like you I have questions about his attraction towards me. Too long to go into details. I can only speak for myself. That is until I lay it out in the open, I will not know for sure. One can try reading signals, etc...but that's difficult. I like him so much and given the constraints of the relationship, I'm not going to be happy with ambiguity b/c I will find excuses, maybe he can't b/c of this or that reason. A supervisor who takes his job seriously will not make advances on the supervisee. First b/c policy forbids sexual relationship b/w supervisor-supervisee (at my work), and other reasons such as sexual harrassment concerns. I can also go the other way and think well, if he really likes me he would find excuses for us to get together w/o making it like a date.
However, why speculate excessively. The outcome is: is there a date or not, so I'll have to let my intention known. It's so hard to find someone you're attracted to and appears to have potential. So when you meet such a person, you owe it to yourself to let your interest known. Hopefully he will reciprocate.
Now that our supervision is almost over, I will tell him. Whatever the outcome is, I've decided that I'll be OK with it. Should a miracle happens and he reciprocates, I'll be the happiest woman on earth (God knows how long I've been looking). Should he not feel the same, I will accept that and move on.
I would advise you to keep it to yourself for now. In the meantime use your time with him as an opportunity to learn more about each other. A relationship should it happen b/w you will be the stronger, the more foundation you have built going into it. Look and act your best. Learn to be comfortable around him. Flirt a little w/o being inappropriate. A semester is only 1/2 year, you can do it.
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