Dating tips...I promise you'll giggle :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2007
Dating tips...I promise you'll giggle :)
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 9:56pm

"Learn it & love it ladies."

So here's the deal.....my friend Kellie and i were recapping our weekends. Mine was rather disasterous and hilarious as usual. After many nights out, my gals and i have found that there are certain types of boys that must be avoided. Please note that the following does not apply to ALL guys. Below are just examples of extreme cases. Enjoy.

Type Numero Uno: the Metrosexual...You've all seen him out at the bar. Perfectly coiffed. Well groomed eyebrows. Manicured nails. Rockin a blazer and a snazzy driving moc. Oh he's an eye catcher. He'll probably even catch you by buying you a fruity little drink b/c well hey, he's a straight fruit himself. You think you've found someone that gets as excited about spring shoes as you-a match made in fall-frock heaven. What you don't know is that this man can't be in spur of the moment photo-ops b/c he may need a wax. Saturdays that you think will be spent in bed will be for mother/son days at the spa. And when he finally thinks he's ready to make a committment it will most likely be to purge all his undies in favor of fresh new set all from BananaRepublic. Get out while you can ladies. Afterall, you're the one that should be wearing the panties.

Type 2: the Macho Man...This guy is pure male. I'm talking plaid flannel, sports fanatic, boots in the middle of summer, throw you over his shoulder-manly man. No waxing with this one. In fact this guy may even have sudden urges to pound his chest and grunt like a gorilla. (Yes, i've actually experienced this.) What i've discovered, however, is that this sexy silverback is probably over-compensating for some type of emotional drama he's about to spring on you. All in all, i've decided that its best to stay out of the jungle.

Type 3: the Gotti Wannabe....this one is a personal favorite. I'm talking tanned, bleached teeth, pressed trouser/black silk shirt, perfect blowout, Italian stallion fun. Who needs Carmine when you've got this guy? If you find one with light blue eyes, take advantage. Trust me-its a beautiful combo. You gotta go gotti!! He'll woo you with his Italiano heritage b.s. and he looks like a classy club hopper (he IS wearing a figaro chain afterall....eek). Don't keep this one around for long tho-you could end up getting poked in the eye w/ his blowout.

Type 4: the Educated Actor...Ah yes, everyone wants to know someone famous. But remember ladies, the term "starving artist" was coined for a reason. The actor thing = icky pickup line. These studs often don't have much to say outside of their script. The one i encountered was an entrepreneur/actor that lived in Pittsburgh. I think he was straight-up Russian mafia. Don't buy it? Does a white gauze shirt and a fedora hat mean anything to you? Moral of the story: if a man is wearing a fedora hat in public, and he's not on a stage (and its not Halloween), back away slowly.

Type 5: the Older guy...Now when i say older i don't mean ancient...i'm talking mid 30s to 40s. I gotta say, there are pros to knowing an older man. Most are quite gentlemanly. They actually pick you up for dates, they open doors, they take you to nice adult restaurants because they can actually afford them. These boys don't beat around the bush w/ clever bar banter. They want full relationship history, life goals, religious views (i was even asked what denomination i was within the first 2 hours of meeting a guy). Be prepared for a full-on dating interview. Unless you're one of those gals thats in the market just for a ring, its total overkill.

Type 6: the BadAss Poser.....This stud is easily identifiable. Piercings, tattoos, spiky hair, maybe even a little black nail polish. He's trying to be a freak for shock value. Let this guy hang around. He may be kinda nice. Well at least the stud i encountered was for a while. Plus, tongue rings can be hot. Make sure he's only posing tho......because truly bad behavior (i'm talking sketchball central, illegal nonsense, or just pure dumbass-ness) is never hot.

Type 7: the Military Man.....yes, there IS something sexy about a man in uniform....and it doesn't hurt that he's saving the country. Its all very noble. The problem with this guy is that he's under such lock and key by the govt. that when he does get free time, he's completely out of control. These boys travel in packs so beware. You can be completely bombarded. They want beer and sex and lots of both. True, all that testosterone can be enticing, but seriously do you think you're the only person with a vagina he's seen this weekend?

Type 8: the Man in Uniform....he's similar to the military man, but with more freedom. He's fighting to keep your neighborhood community safe, and proud of it. He might even whip out his badge. Literally. I've seen it happen. In my case it was a U.S. Marshall-i wasn't even sure what that entailed at the time, so i wasn't really impressed. Whatever. Anywaaaayyy, this guy is all about his job mainly b/c he has to be. You'll totally never really be his numero uno concern. Back away before attachment strikes.

Type 9: the Touchy-Feely guy.....He's all up in your grill. Yes i just wrote that. He's Mr. In-Your-Face, I-Think-I'm-Gonna-Get-In-Your-Pants. This guy throws lines at you so fast your bullsh*t detector just blew up. He buys you a crap-load of drinks to get you good and liquored up in hopes of taking you home. He's Mr. Hands-Everywhere on the dance floor. He's Mr. Lets-Do-Body-Shots. He's Mr. Slimeball. Give this man a swift stiletto-heeled kick to his crotch and send him packing. Gross.

Type 10: the Underage Guy....he looks like he should legally be allowed to have that beer...he's going to be in college next year....and he DOES have a really good fake i.d.....need i say more? He's in high school. If the word "teen" isn't in the second half of your age back off. Don't be a pedophyle.