DATING TWO WONDERFUL GUYS, HELP!!!
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| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 11:38pm |
The title makes it sound like a good problem to have, but I can assure you it's not.
I am 33 years old and living single in NYC, and after about seven or eigth months of not meeting anyone interesting and feeling pretty lonely, my dating life got suddenly complicated. I have a Ph.D. in science and am an academic researcher so intelligence is important for me; but I also love being social and going out to fun parties and meeting interesting people.
About two months ago I met Guy 1 from Britain. He is 42, never married, and a terrific man. One little problem is that he is not very attractive (by general standards) though I find him really cute! I am 5'4" and he is only 5'5" which for a man is kind of short... He is quite smart in a "street-smart" kind of way and has travelled ALL over the world. He is a diplomat and speaks 6 languages fluently. We get along very well and our intimacy is very intense and quite beautiful.
Some of my friends have made some comments that they don't like him for me, they think I can do much better. But I know I shouldn't care about people's opinion very much. Among the things that I do see a problem with is that he is slightly insecure sometimes, he keeps asking me not to leave the relationship. He is absolutely in love with me and even mentions marriage and kids pretty often. He is warm and affectionate and has many great qualities. But I am just not sure... I've led him to believe I am only dating him and anything less than that, I am afraid, would really break his heart.
On the other hand, about a week later after meeting Guy 1, I met Guy 2: He is 36 and single and he is also an awesome person. Super smart, he is a medical doctor and a research scholar in medicine. Our backgrounds are tremendously similar, our religious and family upbringing, our interest in philosophy and science, our parents' divorces, similar experiences, etc... so we have had amazing hours-long conversations! He has also travelled widely and I find him quite interesting as well, AND he is very good looking. He is 6'1" tall and has a great body and does lots of sports. He is more of a "sure bet" as he would be considered "a great catch" by my family and friends.
He knows of the existence of Guy 1 but thinks that I am in the process of breaking that up (I made the mistake of creating that impression for him). Yeah, I know... I've acted quite stupidly about this. He also wants to date me exclusively, as he feels this is a great match! We've only been on 5 dates and I do feel quite attracted to him, but not much has happened, as he has been sort of "waiting" for a month for me to sort things out with the other guy.
But there is something that I really like about Guy 1, he is pretty unique, and my connection with him is special. Well, my connection with both of them is special in a different way. Why does life get sooooooo complicated sometimes?
How can I leave Guy 1 for Guy 2 without really knowing Guy 2, what if I end up alone with none of them due to a bad decision?
Ok, that's the story. Should I tell the truth to both? I don't feel comfortable with this dating scenario, I don't want to hurt anybody and I think both of them are wonderful people. But I don't feel prepared to choose one of them, yet. Am I being stupid? What choices do I have in a situation like this? I can't sleep and I am soooo worried about this that I am losing my health over this decision. Please tell me what you think. AND Thank you so much for reading!!!!!
hugs and have a great day!

Are you on some sort of fast track to get married to a "good match" recommended by family and friends, or are you out to make a good decision for yourself about what you are doing right now?
I doubt that if you don't get married within the next 3 months that you will shrivel up in a corner and expire so you can relax. I'd be honest with both men and tell them that you are not dating either one exclusively, this will get the pressure off your shoulders. If they walk, they walk.
Continue to get to know both on your own timeline and at some point the decision will be clear to keep one or the other or dump both. Quit thinking about "great matches", you aren't buying a puppy, this is about chemistry, love and mutual respect.
Let's see...the guy that you find less a "good catch" - eagerly talks about "the relationship" as an already established entity and wants to talk vaguely of marriage/kids.
Mm.....so guy that has so little going on in his life that he's simply met you and fallen hard and is going to restrcture and organize his life to include you is less than appealing and desirable.
Good....it simply means the guy doesn't involve with things for what they are - but what they represent and might offer him. He wants status, security, identity, completion, happiness, and self-identity in a relationship. Can't happen.
Guy #2.....lots of sports, lots of friends, lots of interests, an extremely involved profession.......he's NOT talking about you as if you hung the moon, he's not going to restructure his life one iota to be around you.....and you're all over him like white on rice technically.
Naturally......anybody that isn't going to upend what they've created and achieved for someone they don't know is mature, secure, self-responsible and self-identitified......he's also well pursued, well invested in self, and he's very likely not "going to be caught".
Secure people don't think of other people like fish - in terms of "good or bad catch".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com