Dating Unluck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Dating Unluck
1
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:34am
The reason that I turned to you is that I don't want to burden the people around me with that since they have a lot of problems and because they live too close to me to have an unbiased view.

I'll cut it short since the whole story will span days.

I was born the only child to two loving parents in their 40s. They are great and very intelligent but unfortunately, I inherited my dad's congenital disease. Let me just say that where I was born it was completely unknown and doctors did not know it was transmitted to generations. The disease reduced my vision (I almost lost my left eye sight), my hearing and mobility. Early in my childhood my left hip stopped growing that left my leg shorter. Needless to say, I spent years in hospitals while my peers grew up. Due to all this and my family's financial problems, I matured very early. My parents realized that my potential was my brain so that did everything to educate me. I speak 6 languages and I'm graduating this year from an Ivy university. I've always been very altruistic, sacrificing everything for my friends and doing my best to help them often at my own expense. I'd spend evenings to do my friend's date dress instead of going out.

I grew up clinging to the hope that my condition could be cured and I delayed my life until that but at the age of 18 it became clear that it will not be and it may get worse. This left me an emotional wreck. On the outside nothing changed -- I still laughed, met people but inside I was dead. I retired from life even before starting it. I thought no guy will ever pay me attention and I closed in my shell. I did not go out because I thought I cannot compare to even the ugliest healthy girl. I knew I'm not ugly, although not drop dead gorgeous. I also knew my condition wasn't that bad. I was walking, dancing and not in a wheelchair. But I could never wear stilettos, I hated wearing skirts, although my mother urged me.

I gave up hopes of having children one day since I didn't want to transmit the disease to them. I hoped I could adopt some.

I just wished I could become insensitive to guys. I tried deliberately to avoid meeting and thinking about them. I could be very assertive in work but became the wallflower at parties (actually I always found reasons not to go to one).

I just wished nature took away my penchant for falling in love as it took away my health. I kept falling for guys, some of which were quite nice and most of them were gorgeous in appearances. However, no one of them became interested in me. Most of them just used me as much as I helped them. No one ever invited me to a real date. At my current age (23) I've never been kissed. I realized that things get more difficult as time progresses since my emotional baggage grows. Probably I even developed some bad traits to which I'm not aware that further repel guys. To make things worse, friends and family are constantly bugging me about that (my clock is ticking).

Just let me mention the last example.

I met him in an informal French class. He was a gorgeous foreigner, a bit shy and spoke very bad English. His father was a visiting professor at my university and he came with him temporary. He had studied engineering. I mentioned I'm was trying to learn his language (this wasn't a move, I needed it for a project) and he offered to help me. He was very nice but also a bit careless which I attributed to his young age (the same as mine but I'm more mature). He made it obvious that he was from a rich family and told me that the Consul was having diner at their place and that he was looking to buy a Corvette while here. We met several times and once he asked me out to a concert. However, at the convert, he was pretty detached and hardly spoke to me but kept ogling other girls. I thought I did something wrong and was very upset. Later, he called to apologize and told me it was his first time ever to go to a classic performance so he was very confused (!!!). However, things did not get better afterwards. He'd call me several times to make sure we are meeting and then would be late himself or say he has to hurry to pick the car. When we were talking, he hardly asked anything and left me do the talking. Sometimes, he'd be plain oblivious to me. Once we were coming back in the dark, he left me to go home alone so that he's not late for dinner at home.

I asked him straight where were matters going and told him I expect more decent treatment but he said he doesn't see anything wrong. Then, upset and teary-eyed, I realized I had to move on.

The breakup was yesterday. He chased me home and made a scene in front of my friends but I told him I gave him many chances to correct but he forfeited them. I felt sorry for him but decided for the first time I'll be the one to go and will not allow to be treated like trash.

Then, like before, I swore I'll never look at a guy again and dumped all of my nice clothes figuring no one cares how I look. I hope biology would stop playing tricks on me.

My mother keeps saying that my time will come but my prime age is slipping away. I'm well aware that everyone wants a healthy partner so maybe it is unrealistic of me to expect something. Instead, I'm slowly turning into a full time nurse and support to all my family and friends. I practically gave up life for myself and focused exclusively on others.

Well, forgive me for this rant. So often I've been the counselor for others that no one ever asks me how I feel.





iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
In reply to: neolamiette
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 8:37am
First, I'm so sorry to hear of your illness. It's a shame. I have a relative who was born with some congenital problems. He's still young but I wonder what he will go through as he gets older. Already kids look at him funny and treat him differently. It's so sad. I wish there was something I could do to make his life easier. But I digress . . .

I think you are selling yourself short. You are saying to yourself, I am ill, not healthy, no one will want me, no one will find me attractive, no one cares how I feel, etc. You are obviously very intelligent and articulate. Your story was compelling and even though your post was long I read every word. You are focusing on what you perceive as your negative traits and not giving yourself credit for all of the many wonderful things about you.

As for you thinking no one will want to date you b/c of your health issues - that is just not true. I have a relative who has one leg shorter than the other. He married in his 20s and is still married years later. Plenty of other people with disabilities are married. Nobody is perfect! Anyone who is looking for a perfect partner is going to be looking for a long time. There is someone out there for everyone. I truly believe that. A lot of it is attitude. It sounds like right now you have a very negative attitude about yourself, and THAT is a problem. That will drive men away. If you don't consider yourself important and fun and wonderful, why would anyone else?

And your prime age is NOT slipping away! Not even remotely. You are 23. I am 34 and I think that my prime years are NOW. 23 is a tough age. You're about to finish college and enter the working world, and that is a huge adjustment. I am much happier in my 30s than I was in my 20s.

I don't see how your clock is ticking at 23 either, especially if you don't plan to bear children.

The guy you mentioned sounds like he is very immature. If a guy treats you like that (ogling other women in front of you is a HUGE no no), he's not worth your time. I think you did the right thing by ending things with him. But don't take that one experience to mean that you will never find someone.

I think you have some self-esteem issues - which, sadly, is quite normal for a young woman in her early 20s. I know I had some issues back then. Anyway, I think you might consider counseling to help you work through some of those issues. Your college probably has a student counseling service you could use.

I wish you the best.