Dating an Unmarried Pastor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Dating an Unmarried Pastor
2
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:17am

I am seeing a single pastor. He pastors a Baptist church. The problem is our relationship is a secret and it is so hard sometimes. It's like having an affair with a married man. I can't tell anyone, we have to be careful what we say or do around the members of the church. Sometimes in public he acts like he doesn't know me. Then he calls me later and talks very sweet and loving on the phone.

I'm tired of the secret life. We have to be concerned about running into people in public. This is hard for me. I no longer want to be his secret. I want us to go public. He likes keeping things a secret. Should I dump him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 2:36pm
Dumb Him. This is obvious not a serious relationship on his behalf. If he is single then he should not have a problem with showing his affection for you in public. The fact that he is trying to keep this very quiet. Sounds like another man who is sneaking around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 2:55pm
i was just wondering... how long have you been seeing each other?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 6:58pm
Why is it such a big secret that you date. Pastors date...don't they? Man that would be very very hard to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 4:00pm

Hi,

I have a bit different view. First how long have you been dating? Even tho' pastors can date and marry, they are public figures and as such, his personal life is under scrutiny that most other people aren't subjected to. So if the RS is young and not certain, certainly I would keep in underwrap b/c if I was him I wouldn't want my congregation to know much about my dating/sex life. It's kinda like dating any other public figure such as politicians and celebreties. So your decision about this has to come from the heart, what does your gut feelings tell you about him? Listen to it and you'll know whether to stick it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2007
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 1:36pm
Sister, you deserve a man who treats you like a queen, not a weak-willed, doulble-minded hypocrite! Why do you have to be "careful" around the other church members? You're both single, so there is no issue of adultery. You should be able to openly declare your relationship instead of being his shameful secret. Because that is exactly how he is treating you. His motives are self-serving and have nothing at all to do with real love. A man who loved you would cut off his arm rather than put you through such humiliation and confusion. There is also the possibility that he has an "official" romance with someone else and all 'hell" would break loose if she found out about you. Don't waste another day volunteering for this sham. THere is a time to pursue, and a time to give up as lost. Lose this loser before you lose your self-respect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 6:48pm
I totally agree - keeping your self respect is alot more important than placating this jerk
,
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 3:11pm

Since you're asking if you should dump him on account of the secrecy requirement, obviously you know there's something wrong with this picture. You deserve a man who is proud to have you at his side. Dump this loser. Pronto.

Holly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 3:51pm
Hi heavenly 36,
Been there done that and got the Tshirt.. He was not a pastor.
Ours was kept a secret the first year, because of work(he said) none of their business what he did when he was off work. We worked for the same company just in different states, or i thought it was because of the company, then I found out that he had asked someone in the same office as him to go to a xmas party for his department. We stayed together another 2.5 years, and it had always bothered me i just tried to pretend it didn't. A couple of months before he left, he was getting emails from ex gfs, asking him why he moved to bham, he would tell them about what he had been doing, working and stuff like that but he did not once mention that he was living with me or that he had a girlfriend. Now that i look back on it, I sometimes think he was wanting to keep his options open. Being kept a secret can and will take its toll on you. But I have promised myself that I will Never let myself be disrespected like that again, and it is disrespect. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 9:45pm
I agree with what most of what you said. But, don't you find that even the nicest guy can get selfish? I haven't seen anything else in my lifetime. I can't believe the response this thread has gotten. Do alot of people get involved with clergy? I dont know anyone who did and I havent' and never would. When a guy puts you in a position to compromise your selfesteem he is only thinking about himself at your expense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2011
Tue, 08-30-2011 - 4:36pm
How long should one date a Pastor, who has announced you to his church as his girlfriend (4 years ago) WITHOUT getting the question popped? I attend everything with him, as if I was the First Lady, but he's scared to commit again. He was married for 25 years and I was married 21 years. HELP! When should "long enough" be "long enough?" Is he getting his cake and eating it too?