Dating vs Relationship vs Even Further

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Dating vs Relationship vs Even Further
4
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:48am

Hi there! I will try to be quick and get to the point, it is late but I have to ask this question.

What exactly is "dating"? When does "dating" become a "relationship"? Is there some....guideline...people follow? Like, if you start out seeing each other and everything is great and neither of you is seeing anyone else, then are you dating, or are you now in a relationship as in girlfriend/boyfriend? Then if you are in a relationship, when do you decide to live together? What goes into making that decision? And then, how long to wait until you think you should get married? I feel like these are ridiculous questions so I apologize if they really are. :)

I have never dated before. I was married to my high school sweetheart until this July. I am 40 years old and feeling quite nieve about this whole dating thing. I am seeing a man who is also feeling the same way and he recently got out of a long term relationship. We both want to make sure we are doing this "right"! We *think* that we are boyfriend and girlfriend since we are exclusive (is this the term for "we are only sleeping with each other and nobody else"?). Too much logic, I know, but we are both over-analyzers.

Any help will be appreciated! :)

TIA,
Robin, Jesse's mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 7:30am

Hi Robin and welcome to the board!


You're questions are far from ridiculous! I'm sure you'll get a lot of different responses, but here's mine:


Dating to me is when you're going out/spending time with the person but both people are free to see other people. In my mind, dating is the intial stage before moving to a "higher" level...


After the dating stage, I think it's all about communication and deciding what the both of you want. If you just want to see him and only him, then you can decide to just date each other. If you decide that you want to work on a relationship though, then not only would I think that you're agreeing to see only each other but there's a certain level of commitment that goes into it since you're also going to be trying to resolve conflicts, etc.


If you've talked to him and you're both agreeing to only date each other, I wouldn't worry about defining it. Worry about asking for what you want out of whatever "it" is, know what I mean?


I hope this helps. I'm curious to see other posters' responses.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:24pm
Congratulations for jumping back in the dating world. If you have found someone else who seems to want to "do things right" you are probably on the right track already so this is good news:)
I think I agree with the other poster in terms of the definitions. My bf and I dated for a few months before either of us was bold enough to mention the subject of whetehr we could refer to each other as bf and gf. It was kind of a no brainer I think that we were already together but sometimes things just need to be said. I think it came up because we were introducing each other to people in our lives and werent sure what title to give if any.
Being exclusive is what people are expected to do when they are bf and gf and have found themselves in a relationship with only one another. For me, I was exclusive with my bf from the beginning because I just have trouble "playing the field" without feeling like I am auditioning for some role on a soap opera. I liked him so much I wouldnt have accepted any offers to go out with other people. I was ready and willing to see where we went with what we had started and I didnt want to confuse my own head or his I guess. He also told me from the beginning that he doesnt date more than one person at a time. Somehow, calling him my bf took a little longer. I had no problem referring to him as the guy I was seeing or the guy I am dating etc but calling him my bf had a certain permanence to it and it places some responsibility on everyone to shepherd the relationship. Maybe that is just me though.
In terms of living together, I consider this a very large step. I have a child though so it would change things for more than just us two. I think people who are dating regularly tend to kind of half way move into each others places without discussion sometimes and then before you know it Boom you are living together. I have seen this happen countless times with friends but I wouldnt recommend it. To do things "right" as you put it, you should plan for this and talk about how finances would be divided, who would be responsible for what around the house, where you would want to live, and what this would mean to the progression of your relationship. If you visit the LIving Together Board it might scare you temporarily since there are a lot of people there feeling stuck living together with no engagement who desperately want that ring. I think it is important to discuss with your partner what the long term plan is for both of you so that you know where living together fits in on that timeline. Also, for you, since you said you married your high school sweetheart, I wonder whether you wouldnt benefit from having your own place and feeling that independance for a while. Everyone should live on their own at some point to know what it is like and be sure you arent moving in with someone to satisfy your comfort zone since this is what you have grown used to.
Some people live together only a short while before getting engaged and setting the wedding date. others wait. I dont think there is a rule of thumb on this one. It depends on the situation and how many different peopl are involved ( i.e. kids) I dont think I would move in with someone if there wasnt a plan to get married on the horizon because it would confuse my kid IMO. But I think you will find many opinions on this.
I hope this helps! Good luck with your new guy and congrats again for finding someone with whom you can try and do things RIGHT. I think this is highly underrated and I think it is great that you are looking for opinions and advice!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:27pm
Dating to me has always meant casually seeing each other, but with the ability to see other people if one chooses. When your in a "relationship", you are exclusively dating each other, no one else. Usually this is discussed (or should be) so both people are on the same page as to the status of their relationship. As far as living together, everyone has a different opinion on this. The only reason to move in in my opinion is that you want a future together...not because you want to save money. If your goal is marriage, I would absolutely have a discussion about where the two of you see the relationship going...make sure you're on the same page! I feel strongly that a proposal should come within a year (that's just me though). But remember, everyone is different. There is no "right" way...if it feels right to both of you, then that's fine.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 1:00pm

My thoughts:

Dating is the getting to know you stage, when you're both free to date other people as well.

When you agree to date exclusively, then I consider that to be a relationship (but of course there are all kinds of relationships that can fall within the larger umbrella of "exclusive relationship"--and it's up to you and your partner to define what you want YOUR relationship to be).

I have lived with 2 men, one of whom I married, one I didn't--and I feel pretty strongly that I will not live with a man again unless we are married or at least engaged with a wedding date that's not more than a few months away. But I want to be married again--if you're not sure that's something you want, then maybe just living together is ok with you.

As for how long to date before you get married--no hard and fast rule, of course, especially when you're older, but I would say *at least* a year. You want to see the person in as many situations as possible before you decide to marry that person, and you want to know them well enough to be able to talk about all sorts of things *BEFORE* you get married, like how you'll handle step-parenting situations, finances, conflict resolution, all that good stuff.

Sheri