dating a workaholic...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
dating a workaholic...
2
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:02pm
i just wondered if dating someone who's a workaholic is good idea? i've been casually dating this guy who is really busy with work and family. we really hit it off from the beginning. first date was the best that i'd had in 2 years. it's been almost a month of dating and nightly phone calls. but it's been over 2 weeks since we have been able to get together to see each other. the main point of contact that i've had with him is primarily the phone because he calls me every night. things have been bad at work plus some family stuff going on. and he has a side project on the weekends (he's a contractor). we only live 20 minutes from each other. i just want to spend some quality face to face time with the man. i'm in sort of limbo-land. we've only just started seeing each other, but it just feels like he doesn't have any time or energy for me. i've discussed my feeling about this with him. letting him know that i would like a little bit more from him in terms of planning dates. as it stands, i don't know if i'll even see him in any given week. he's promised to try to do more of the initiating, but then life or should i say work intruded. should i just let this one go or take my time and see if things change? he wants to date me and he's also looking for a more serious relationship down the road. he says it's up to me if i want to continue things. i said yes, but that we should not be mutually exclusive yet. am i wasting my time with this guy?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:12pm

I would wait and see what happens with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:38pm
Well, dating a workaholic and having a relationship with a workaholic and being married to a workaholic really always looks the same. If you're into consistency - this is it. And if you're a very independent woman with lots of personal goals - this is great.

But basically, no relationship, no cuddling, no hand holding, no dating, no conversations with you - are EVER going to come between him and his job. His "identity" is in that job- the way some women hav an "identity" in a relationship.

And so nothing is going to stop him from being on call, constantly working, constantly thinking about work....he "likes" work - it brings great satisfaction, joy, accomplishment, and fulfillment on a personal leevel...and in society - he's hailed for being so professional diligent and dedicated and/or bringing home the bucks.

So, if you're a woman that doesn't want a man at dinner every night, and doesn't mind going for a week or so without seeing one another - if you've got plenty to do in your life that you want to accomplish, and you're not wanting your time to be accounted for to him, nor his to you, and you're nto wanting much interaction - except primarily sex and fun on some type of regular (although stolen time from your own personal jobs/goals schedule) basis - albeit it could be every two weeks - not every day or every other day, this is probably the guy for you.

Because when you do get toghter, there'll always be plenty of new, different, interesting developments and things in your lives to talk about....you'll have accomplished, and started pursing plenty since th elast time you had a good, long conversation. You'll always be new, different, exciting, and enjoyable to one another - because neither of you has to "take care of the other" in the conventional ways, and neither of you spend enough time together to detract from your personal sense of accomplishment and empowerment.

If you end up in a cohabitational or committed relationship - it is important to not let the new/different/exciting/glamorous/sexy atmosphere of always being around someone who finds you so attractive (infatuation takes a LONG time to wear off in these situations a couple of years perhaps) in addition to oyou having such a great life and someone so enamored of hearing about it without interfering with it let you gt carried away, and cohabitate and comingle funds and lives and families and possesions without truly knowing if you share values, standards, priorities, and boundaries. Because the dynamic that pervaded during dating - would also exist in the cohabitational or committed relationship. But now, they've got your money,your assets - at their disposal.....and if tthey're unethical or principled you won't have them at yours and it'll take osme time to know it. And you'll become liable for their debts and incumbrances if you're legally married, and so you're wanting to ensure this isn't osmeone who lives in what you consider outrageous debt with no structured plan to pay it back, to find yourself now dealing with that debt, while racking up more - becuase your credit enables htem to have more options at credit and cash.

Basically, the time he's got now to oput into a relationship, is precisely the amount of time on a consistent basis he's going to have to "give" to a relationship. Which is why he's not proposing exclusivity yet - there hasn't been enough time and interaction in a myriad of situation to see if you two share interests and values - not just "attraction". And he knows it'll be awhile before you've had enough face to face interaction to know if you admire and respect one another and want to pursue a relationship based on that.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com