Dating a workaholic, want a ring
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| Tue, 06-29-2004 - 6:40pm |
Please help me sort through my personal mess. I have been dating a man older than my self since I was in my early twenties. I am now 31, he 39 going on 40. We had a couple years where we stopped dating because things got bad and boring due to his overwhelming work schedule. I was living with him in one room, things got stressful. He worked all the time and I was getting my MA. We both dated other people and ended up in relationships with other people. We found our way back to each other and this time I thought it was going to be just great. We dated about 2 more years (we have known each other 10 years, dated for 7 total) before we started talking seriously about marriage. We both have always talked as if we would get married and have kids etc that was a non issue the "when" became my issue. This guy I am committed to is a workaholic. He is and entrepreneur and lives a lifestyle where work is his sole priority and he works all day and into the night (until 2 or 3 am). He has very little time for me and mostly to spend time with him I have to enter his world and revolve our plans around his commitments in the town he works in (only 20 minutes from my home). So we’ll catch movies or go to dinner around HIS schedule. I have had problems with this in the past but decided this is who he is, and went along with it. After all, it’s not a big deal and I enjoy my space. It’s not always nice but really not a big deal. I will not live with him again until I have a ring. I don't believe he cheats, that is a non issue. He has a good heart but like I said is very into work. Almost nothing gets between it. His mother recently passed away and he still worked. We have had many talks about how he does not want to hurt me and he loves me and wants this to work but I have to compromise/sacrifice etc. Which I have done. My problem is that about a year ago and a half we made some innuendos to one another that it was time. There are problems in our relationship that we are having because we are NOT married. Like we need a house to call our own. Living together will solve his time constraint issues. We will not have to “go” to dinner, I could make dinner and he’d be there. We both agree. It's hard to explain but he lives as if I am his wife but I go crazy because we do not live in the same home etc. What he expects of me are expectations that come with marriage, however the loyalty is not returned. Because of his busy schedule I am often left on my own to deal with the flu or ponder about issues at work, car problems or whatever. I don’t care it’s made me stronger. It’s more complicated but I can't explain it all. I own my own home and he could have any home in the world (he's wealthy) but he chooses to live with only what he needs (a bed in a very tiny room in a building he owns). No kitchen, he eats out. So anyway, after we talked about getting married he backed down and did the whole "I’m not ready" thing. I said fine, I loved him and would wait. So it came up again about 5 months ago and he told me it was time and he would start looking for a ring, which he did-looked lots but no purchase. He has issues finalizing many things which I cannot get into. No time lines have been made (tried it, does not work) but again, innuendos were made that it would happen soon. Well, soon passed by. He looked for rings and got cold feet again, complained about the price of diamonds and then going back to the same 'ol, "I don't know, I don't think I am ready." I've offered everything, to get to the bottom of his emotionally immaturity. Prenup is not the issue, I have no problem signing one, don't want his cash, I have a job and love him not his career. He is not a wealthy guy who spends money but is generous and has bought me birthday gifts and other very nice presents at appropriate time. What I'm trying to get at is he's frugal and although he HAS money, he does not shower me with it. There truly is no reason why I am with him that is unhealthy. I love him; I care about him in so many ways. Anyway, I'm stuck now. I don't want to pressure him (been there many times with him, he's too smart) or keep bugging him about rings and marriage but gee, I'm 31 going on 32 and I really would like to get going. He is very busy, says it's not me, he just wants to be a good father and husband and right now with all of his responsibility-- he would not be. How can I disrespect that? I only want someone who is emotionally ready, he admits he's not, but loves me and wants to work through it. It seems I AM THE ONLY one working through everything though!!!! But what about me and what I need? I'm starting to feel desperate and I hate that. I feel like I've lost control of my life. I have a great career, house, nice car, pets, health, friends etc. I have all of my things taken care of and now I'm ready to man a household, be a wife and soon a mother. I fear he will never be ready, he could retire but I don't see that happening any time soon. I see him starting to realize life is passing him by, but not soon enough. I don't want an old man to father my kids. I want to be young and vibrant, and God, a part of my social circle who is just about done completing their families. I also fear I'll never love someone like I love him. There have been plenty of suitors I just have no interest; I am loyal to the bone.
I am desperate and ashamed but have thought of just getting pregnant by him and beginning my life. Not to trap him but to just get on with it. I know it's selfish to just think of me but I've made so many sacrifices for this guy. When is he going to think of my needs? Financially, I could raise a child (or 2) on my own. I have a good sized house that could manage a family. I know once I had a baby, he would be a wonderful father, no questions of that. He could join in the stability when he gets ready. Deep down I believe a child would get him ready but shame on me for letting these thoughts come out, right? But what keeps me from doing this is --does this man deserve to father MY child when he is so careless of my needs?- and do I really need to make a decision like that without him?- that is unfair to disregard his needs when I want him to focus on mine. I do have morals. UGH!!! I know it’s wrong but I know he needs a BIG PUSH. He knows too, he’s talked to people with letters after their names and some pretty successful people in his own life, nothing helps. Everyone tells his to “p” or get off the pot. He’s not affected my pressure or anything. He’s going on his gut I guess but he’s never had good judgment with people (in my opinion) or sensing what people want. He can’t see his way out. He is in so deep with his work (totally hands on, no big boss telling people what to do)—(he takes on too much, does not handover enough responsibility). He’s so far caught up in his disorganization, bachelorhood and emotional immaturity he can’t see his way out. I see him wanting to but he has too much going on. He can’t step back. It’s so hard to explain.
I am a pretty smart, attractive, active individual and have no problem meeting people but I get out there and just never am impressed by what I see. I have a strong conviction for the man I love. I'm just so stuck and don't know what to do. I would be perfectly happy, having a baby and moving on. I don't want to leave him, I know he loves me I just can't compromise anymore, I feel I am devaluing myself. Oh, I also told him just put the ring on my finger, we won’t set a date. I told him I just need that social gesture that he has picked me and then I can calm down. I don’t know what to do. Leave a guy I love, who loves me or keep devaluing myself to meet his needs? I hope you can sift through this long mumbo jumbo and get a sense of where I am. I am not an unhealthy person and I do want to do what is moral AND what is in my best interest. Please help, I’m sooo stuck!!

If you were married - he'll still work till 2-3am, he'd still do nothing about cleaning up or anything else because anything a person doesn't do for themselves - they don't prioritize and won't do it "for you or while they're with you".
So I hear you saying that you want a ring, and a marriage license to facilitate the desire to eat dinner together, when he's not too busy working, and so that he doesn't have to commute so much - so that he can work longer hours than ever with a lessened "requirement" in terms of commute.
Because if that is not what you're saying - it'll be precisely what you get when you get the ring, the license and the "I do". He's not going to prioritize you any higher than he does now...he is not going to go out of his way any more than he does right now to meet your needs, share your interests, or involve himself in your life.
But, you're loyal to the bone...you're in love with him as he is, as he is meets your needs...and so you want a marriage and a child.
Okay...the man's a business man...make a business deal. If he'll marry you - he can move into your home (to save commute/expense/time) and in exchange he'll attempt (because this is apromise SURE to be broken 99.9% of the time - no need setting yourself up for disappointment) to have dinner with you at home twice a week......that is provided that you're willing to prepare it around his schedule, and await his arrival to eat.
And, you want a baby....so that you'll have a child to love, raise, nurture, and guide, to interact with and play with - because he's going to be primarily pursuing business, while being very little at home, and being of no use around the home because he doesn't value or prioritize it now - and won't just because there are added obligations and responsibliites - such as home ownership or children.
Because I think he'd strike that business deal with you.....it would lessen his commute, making it easier for him to work more, and it would facilitate his laundry being odne, adn dinner being fixed -so that he'd have more time than ever to spend working.
And you'll get what you want....a ring and a new last name...and hopefully a baby if he can make time to prioritize having one. And....if you are able t strike up this business deal - don't hold out for fancy weddings or an event of magnitude. Get on wit th eprocess at the JP's because he has no time for anything but work and business and productivity. And, have your fertility as an individual determined by medical science to be "ready to produce" - because it is unlikely that hell be willing to undergo the battery of ttests due to time to figure out why you don't conceive quickly. And he wouldnt' be there while you were having the tests anyway. So at least make sure that hte business arrangement your making,w ith your happiness dependent upon producing a child for companionship in this liason......that YOU are able to have children, if he's able to as well.
So at least if you odn't end up pregnant quickly - there is one "reason" out of the way - it's not your body that is unable to reproduce. That'll leave you subject to his timeframes and his schedule to allot for testing as to his fertility....but at that point you could easily consider adoption, as well as pregnancy as a means of having a child.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I don't care about household chores or other brealted activities. I'm old fashioned, i know he'd help where i needed. I'm organized and when I do make dinner he does help out. He helped move me, has brought me to the airport and you know that type of thing. he;s not so bad that he would not lift a finger for me. To himslef, he organizes nothing but min others homes/offices he is respectful. He would never move into my house, he owns several homes, just empty....ie., finalizing issues, no interst in taking care of personal things.
He gets all those needs met already--laundry, dinner, whatever. He has serviuces and restauracts for that. We've talked extensively about fertility and he just ignores it and sometimes jokes about it when I tell him sooon I will have big risks and maybe not even be able to conceive. He tells me and I've heard him say to friends how much he wants kids. Maybe he just doesn't love me and my faith in him needs to cease. I guess if he loved me he'd pay more attention to my needs.
He usually sees me on the weekends and we go to dinner etc. That has been okay with me and has met my needs. When he gets time we vacation and we do a lot of family things together. He makes time for his family. His family is impoirtant, which I love. But even that comes long before me, which is why I spoke of having a baby. He'd be fine.
THe reason I want a ring is not so we can eat dinner together!! It was just 1 example. I want a ring so I know he has settled on me and I can plan for that. Without that gesture (which is just socailly what is accepted), I can't jsut start planning.
He will not make a deal, I've tried. He wants to do everything right (he even wants a wedding). I am very untraditional and lost both parents so I don't want a wedding. It's not important. I'd elope, he would not. He has a big faimily/friends.
The real problem is this comment "He's not going to prioritize you any higher than he does now...he is not going to go out of his way any more than he does right now to meet your needs, share your interests, or involve himself in your life." I need to just let go then, don't I? I'm typically the last on his list and have allowed that because generally I take care of myself and am not very high maintenence. Maybe it's just time to leave. He is just the one I would love to give a child to...
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Ok... what about HIS compromises/sacrifices? Do you know, my ex didn't take me out for my birthday because he needed extra hours at work? I sat at home on my birthday! That's why he's my ex. And don't get me started on "living together."
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You'll just create BIGGER problems for yourself. You'll be stuck raising the kids since he'll be off working. He'll resent you for getting pregnant and not "waiting for him." You'll resent him for not sacrificing and making you feel "the crunch" so-to-speak, and getting pregnant by a guy who's OBVIOUSLY NOT THERE FOR YOU.
This is completely my opinion and based on very little information...but it sounds like you are rationalizing and justifying a decision to "settle"...
Go.
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Perhaps you're putting your faith in the wrong person?