Daughters boyfriend has major ISSUES

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Daughters boyfriend has major ISSUES
1
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 10:22pm
My 18 year old daughter just moved out with her boyfriend of 10 months (who also happens to be 26 years old). My husband and I were totally against them dating, but at 18 there’s very little you can do to stop them. At first he was sending her roses, a dozen, then 2 dozen then 5 dozen…my house looked like someone had died, there was roses EVERYWHERE! He would take her shopping and buy her clothes and all sorts of crap. I told my daughter you need to tell him the gifts are getting out of hand and you can’t accept them, she agreed, or at least seemed to. It got to a point where she would tell him not to buy her anything and he would say, if you don’t pick something out I’ll just have to pick it out for you. NOW, as time is passing, the more he’s buying her the weirder he’s getting. I’m not going to get into all the hairy details but for starters he cries and I don’t mean a tear falling down his cheek. I’m talking full force balling, weird, loud crying sounds…why was he doing this???? Because one of my daughters girlfriends called to see if she wanted to hang out. He didn’t want her to go out with her friends, he didn’t want her to talk on the phone, he didn’t want her to talk to her parents, he didn’t want her to get off the couch and leave him so she could use the bathroom! When my daughter told him she wanted to break up he got on his knees and started begging….I’ll change, I’ll stop doing whatever is making you mad, please give me one more chance. Well, the next day my daughter goes out with her girlfriend and his change didn’t last 24 hours! The next week a couple of boys from her school stopped by to say hi and her boyfriend opened the door and demanded she get in the house. Two weeks after that my daughter and her boyfriend move into an apartment of a friend of his so they can save money to get their own apartment. They still don’t have the money for rent and security, no furniture, dishes, towels, no anything and they have to be out of there in another week. Since they moved out he has got worse. He doesn’t want her to answer her cell phone, he doesn’t want her to tell my husband and I where they are or where they’re moving, and he doesn’t want her to visit us or even talk to us on the phone. I’ve tried talking to my daughter and she seems brainwashed. I’ve told her the door is open and she can come home anytime. She keeps telling me he says he’s going to work on his insecurities and jealousy issues. I just see them escalating, and I am very concerned once they have their own place his jealous tantrums will turn into physical abuse. She’s an only child, brought up in a loving home and never was around verbal and physical abuse. I don’t know what else I can do to make her see this is NOT a normal, healthy relationship. When I talked to her about it before all she could tell me is it’s hard finding someone to measure up to dad. Which reminds me of another “problem” her boyfriend has…my daughter and husband are very close, always hanging out doing things together, she’s 100% a daddy’s girl and this upsets her boyfriend to no end. And, it’s killing my husband because he’s lost without his little buddy. I’m open to any advice because I’m at a total loss.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 08-21-2005 - 1:46am

No matter what happens and how angry/ upset the situation makes you, she will have to figure it out on her own- so just make sure she knows that your door is always open, day or night, for her to come home.

It may also be a good idea to see a therapist/ counsellor to talk with to see what advice they might have to helping your daughter to see that the man she's with is NOT a healthy relationship.

It sounds to me like she's so caught up in the part of "someone wants to be with me" that she's not seeing clearly. She will figure it out eventually, and you will need to be there for her to help pick up the pieces.

Good luck!

Alison

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