Decipher this.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
Decipher this.....
6
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 8:32am
I just wanted to get the opinions of you all....I've been seeing my BF for 5 months now and I just had a birthday at the first of this month (Nov)...He told me happy birthday first thing that morning and several times throughout the day, and sent me an e-card, make that a couple of e-cards. I was rather hurt, I admit, that he didn't get me a REAL card or anything else for that matter. Also, we don't go out very much and that's fine b/c neither of us are into bars/clubs. We cook dinner every night (at my expense the majority of the time). And about once or twice a month we go have dinner at a nicer restaurant and he pays. He stays with me every night at my place.(He rents a house with some roommates). I love every minute we are together and I feel that he is the love of my life and he feels the same, we are on the same page with our relationship. But there are the small things like my birthday that really bother me and it depresses me kinda. I mean he can't use the excuse that he doesn't have the money b/c about 2 weeks before my birthday we went out of town (didn't stay in a hotel so there was no hotel bill), he was out NO money on me being with him (we took food) but while we were at this event of his, he spent right at $1000 on stuff (yes it's his money but...)On one of the e-cards he said that he'd never be able to show me his love for me through "items"...does this mean he is incapable of buying for me? Shouldn't mean that b/c he was able to send flowers to a girlfriend that he had many years ago. He is the greatest boyfriend, faithful and very loving but I just know how I would have done/will do on his birthday-the whole kit and kaboodle...balloons, cake, gift!!! Gimme your opinions!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 8:48am

Bottom line....I think he is cheap. If he spent $1000 on himself and then turns around and tell you that he'd never be able to show you his love through items. Um, he is so wrong on that, a well thought-out gift and card doesn't necessarily need to be expensive but will definitely show love and feelings from one person to another.

Next birthday tell this man you want a gift, that way he knows what you want. ecard...tacky.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 5:46pm
I think that this guy is either cheap or that he has reached the "comfortable" phase of the relationship a tad bit early. True, 5 months is a significant amount of time but it's not a year. There is still time for courting. My question is: Has he ever doted you with little gifts or suprises, especially early in your relationship? If he did, then maybe he thinks that it's not required after 5 months. If he didn't then you have a non-thoughtful boyfriend, or a guy that doesn't want to spend a little money. The E-card move was very wrong. Those things are for sending to co-workers and aunts that you haven't spoken to in a few years. Very impersonal and well...easy.
But on the upside you can probably change this behavior going forward. My suggestion is to encourage him to be a little more spontaneous and have more fun with you. Suggest a night out at least once a week or a vacation for the two of you. If he sees how much this excites you and makes you happy and he cares, then he will be more thoughtful. And if you return the favor every now and then, give him a little gift that's personal to him, and show your appreciation for the things he gives you, you won't come off as materialistic. Then maybe on your next birthday things will be different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 10:59am
Thanks to those of you that replied...but ashleyb, no he hasn't doted me with anything since we've been together and we practically split our bill everywhere we go...on halloween i bought this cheap little plastic pumpkin with a lid and it had some kinda cheap candy in it and i poured all of that out and filled it with his FAVORITE chocolate..simple gesture and i got his christmas present early, had to or it would have been gone (a puppy)...he loves it-of course IT loves me b/c i was the first new person it met when i got it from it's old home-but now it's thanksgiving, he's gone to be with his family (2-3 hr drive from our city) and several of my family members asked why i wasn't going with him...and guess what? i didn't have an answer....and i don't want to bring it up although he can sense that something is wrong with me (he thinks it's b/c he was going to be with his family instead of spending the day with me) and we won't be together christmas with, he's going to his sister's house with the mom, dad, and brother (she lives outta state)...he said a couple of weeks ago thru an email that he likes to date someone alot longer than what we've been together before they meet any of his family....i've already met his parents-kinda accidently at an event of my bf's) and we seemed to hit it off very well...his dad TOLD him that he liked me...i don't want to feel like he's ashamed of me, i'm not unattractive by any means and i'm not dumb...an educated pretty girl from what most tell me....i don't know what to think but i do feel quite hurt b/c i don't know why he didn't want me to go with him.. also, just the other day we stopped at a winery and he bought $45 worth of wine...I'm like WOW, and he said that they drink alot of wine on thanksgiving day at his family's get-together....hmmmmmmm
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 11:19am

Not only do I not like cheap men, but this guy takes the cake, he's only cheap when it comes to you.

He may not be proving his love through "items" for you but he certainly doesn't mind proving his family love through $45 worth of vino.

Either have a long talk with this guy about his thought process (and let him know he is on thin ice) or move on. I dated a guy like that once, I dumped him after about 10 weeks. I had to beg that man to take me out to dinner on my birthday even though he made a 6 digit salary. He stalked me for months afterwards and told all his friends I was heartless.

Cheapness is more of a side effect to greater mental problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2004
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 11:44pm
I personally think he is just selfish, when it comes to certain things (for instance his girlfriend) which is pretty important! He spends his money on all the wrong things, and doesn't realize it! or at least does but knows he can get away with it. Like someone said before, he feels comfortable enough in the relationship, to not spend a lot of money on you, but on the otherhand, it's not fair to you!
If I were you, next time a holiday or b-day, or maybe even something just special to you, hint to him what you want! tell him "oh I would really love this" or something along those lines. You never know, he might just get the hint, and if he doesn't then that would be the time to break it to him and let him know how you feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 11:48pm

I dated a cheapskate like that once too. He invited me out for Monday night football. I had to work late, so by the time I got there, the game had been on for about an hour. He and his two buddies devoured an entire 8" pizza and a big plate of wings and didn't save me any. I ordered my own wings. He said he liked me because I was "proactive" and ordered my own wings and beer. Guess who paid for my wings and beer? Me!

Every business trip he took, I picked him up at the airport. He was too cheap to take a cab home and God forbid should he take the train. I picked him up every time. One time, I was waiting outside, honking the horn and he didn't come out. It was a bitterly cold night and it was loooong walk from the parking lot. So I ran into the airport and did not see him. I found him drinking at the bar! I urged him to come quickly as I was illegally parked. He was slow moving, so I inevitably got towed. He wanted to go back in and drink, while I took a cab, retrieved the car and swing back to the airport and picked him up. I told him I was not coming back to the airport, so if he wanted a ride, he was coming with me. He thought I was being unreasonable, but he came with me anyway. We took a cab to the garage and I paid the cab fare and the $200.00 fine. I told him he should pay for the tow. He yesed me to death. but never came through with the cash. These are two of many incidenced with this loser, but the towing incident was the last straw. He was amazed that I broke up with him. He called my family and told them what a selfish B I am and he still calls me and it's been 6 years since I broke off our relationship. My roomie pretends he's my live-in bf and tells him not to call my house again, but the fool keeps calling. My phone number is unlisted, but somehow he got my number. We are disconnecting the phone in my name and putting it in my roomie's name. We will be doing this Monday.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting