Desire and reality in dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Desire and reality in dating
7
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:30am
Hey people! This may strike you as stange and funny but have you had the experience to project love on someone??

Here is how it works for me.

Recently, I've been working on a scietific project that involved a sleuth of foreign countries (statistical job, nothing exciting). But I had to translate the survey of one country from the native language into English. The language itself is very close to another one I speak so I needed just a little to do it. I started researching and along learning about the language I learned about the country. As a result, since I'm easily impressed, I fell in love with the country which happens to be a little "exotic." Since then I've been obsessed with it and naturally, when I met a guy from there, I fell in love. He was the typical type of his country so I wanted to expereicne all that I knew about. As I threw myself headlong into it, I realized desire and reality don't overlap. That is, I projected my image of how things should be on him and then tred to model him according to this image. Naturally, this did not work out and I was devastated.

Why it always happens like that? I treat guys like projects that I have to model rather than objects to discover. My imasgination is running larger than life and I pick guys that remind me of something and then try to model them according to this image rather than take them for granted. But as a matter of fact, I haven't met someone that has been sufficintly interesting to me just "as is." Now call me superfucial and headless!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:01am
Easy. Find a good therapist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:33am
Trying to change other people never works. It's much simpler to find someone who you like as is. If you can't seem to find anyone like that, then either you are too picky or like Deena said maybe you could use some therapy to discover why.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:59am
You sound like a very romantic person with a great imagination. Yes, people do this all the time. Maybe it's less common in our jaded age. Some people are far more susceptible to such "projection" than average. This can lead to extremely painful consequences when reality doesn't match the imagination -- I don't want to use the word fantasy.

You say you've never met someone who was good enough "as is". You need to find the right kind of person and also learn how to mesh reality with imagination.

Have you thought about why you do this "projecting"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 8:26pm
Sounds more self absorbed than romantic, to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:36pm
Ooooooh, you make me feel like a total wacko.I idn't know I'm so derailed.

Now I'm afraid to show up outside.

Actually, i've been trying to control for that. I have deliebrately restrained myself in making any comments on guys I meet. I try to put up with thatever they are and to discover their good sides.

But quite often what I found has not been enough to be interested in. After trying for a long time to like them, I realize it's not working for me and feel very bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 9:53pm
I would not want a man to put up with me or "try" to see my good side. Rather, I want someone who, like someone I dated for a few months this year said - "I just felt happy being in your presence." Of course when you are upset with someone you love you have to try sometimes to see their good side but a relationship should not be based on your "trying" to like someone - that you like the person should be a given - relationships are hard enough without having to try to force feelings - which never works

sounds like you like the drama and the thrill of the chase as opposed to liking the prospect of getting to know a person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:29am
You don't sound like a total wacko to me. I wouldn't take what any one person here says too seriously.