Desire to See Other People
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| Sat, 02-25-2006 - 1:09am |
My boyfriend of two years and I have shared a good long distance relationship for a year now after a year of living together, but lately I am feeling so confused. Although I feel that aour relationship is almost everything I could ever want, I feel slightly unsure and feel some desire to see other people. He has made it clear that either I am in an exclusive relationship with him or I will lose him forever.
At the same time he does not understand how I could have this uncertainty and still love him, and says that either we are completely commited or the relationship is over. The thought of losing him terrifies me because he is really a wonderful, honest, caring and commited boyfriend.
I am 24 years old, in grad school, and he is a 22 year old undergraduate senior.
After he graduates, he wants to move in with me..indefinitely. He wants to move in with me upon graduating this year. Both of us agree that the possibility of marraige is still years away. Although he swears his commitment and certainty of the future of our relationship, I have doubts and feel guilty about them.
I have dated several people before this relationship, but he has only had one other serious girlfriend in highschool.If we were to stay together and and to eventually get married, I feel afraid that he will eventually feel he did not "shop around" enough and have regrets. He feels that I insult him by doubting his commitment to me this way. I beleive I am his "first love" and while I have had my heart broken at least three times, he has never experience heartbreak.
I feel about 75% sure that we would be happy together and could make this relationship work, but 15% of me doubts which nag at me constantly. The thought of being with him forever at this point terrifies me becuase I feel I still have so much to experience. At the same time I honestly don't think that I will ever find someone as wonderful and commited as my boyfriend (which everyone tells me.) Should I ignore these doubts or risk losing him?

I think it's important to define that 15%. What are your doubts about? Is it just because you have an itch to explore what else is out there? Or is it because of certain issues in the relationship?
Personally, I would sit down and make a list of the good and bads of the relationship. Be completely honest. If the goods outweight the bads, then I think you need to get to the root of what's bothering you. Is it just because it's a long-distance relationship? Find out what is driving that doubt.
I hope this helps. If you need more advice, let us know.
Kerry
I think your instincts are good...many people who get on the marriage track this young change through their twenties and grow apart and find themselves divorced in their early to mid 30s, a phenomenon so common now there's a term for it: "starter marriages". Not telling you what to do or anything, just something to think about.
Also, you are in your prime for dating possibilities...these years are precious for learning your likes and dislikes in a partner.
On the other hand, I have friends who married their first love and never regretted it; however they are indeed the exceptions!! Some commonalities I've seen in these couples:
1. each really knew what they wanted in life from a young age careerwise;
2. basic personality of each was extremely consistent over time;
3. very very supportive friends and family; large network of people in common;
4. shared common religious/spiritual beliefs and values;
5. spent little time apart i.e. no separate vacations for these couples while young;
6. constantly bringing new people into their circle of friends and expanding it (i.e. social, held a lot of parties!!);
7. did not live together before getting engaged, i.e. were always commitment-oriented.
I'm sure if you look you can find a whole literature on this; these are just my own anecdotal observations. I have to add: even with all these things going for them, they still had 'rough patches', but there was enough 'glue' to keep them together for the long haul in the form of family support and shared experiences. They also tend to have personality types where they don't like a lot of loose ends and ambiguity; that is, they tend to finish what they start, be it a degree program, a black belt in karate, etc.
Edited 2/26/2006 11:48 pm ET by goddess_juju